ANDREW: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers. (re: book) You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery?don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

ANDREW (narrating Buffy's hunt): It was cold last night, and the wind was crew-ell, but the Slayer had a job to do. Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too.

ANDREW: Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready? (there's a knock at the door; Andrew ignores it) ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn. Let's rejoin them now to see?

ANYA: For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?

ANDREW: Entertaining and educating.

ANYA: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

(credits)

ANDREW: (runs up to Buffy, video camera in hand) That was great. I completely got you dusting that guy on film. Hey, why do vampires show up on video?

BUFFY: I told you I didn't want you doing that. It's distracting.

ANDREW:OK, I'll cut the footage together and do the intro tomorrow. "She was a woman in danger, or was she?"

BUFFY: Are you still filming me? Stop!

ANDREW: But it's a valuable record. An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in action."

BUFFY: "A nerd in pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.

(cut to Anya dragging Andrew out of the bathroom)

ANDREW: But the story needs to be told.

ANYA: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you video taping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me.

ANDREW: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations.

ANYA: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your?your story seems pretty pointless.

ANDREW: Oh, I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your whole perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour...

ANYA: (flattered) Oh, well balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.

• Funnies

written by: Jane Espenson; originally transcribed by: CariCranberry. edited by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/buffy/season7/transcripts/138_tran.php