JONATHAN: (eyeing crowd) What are we doing here? Somebody might recognize us. (sees Warren) Oh, that'd just great. We're risking everything so Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown in jail. Or worse. Maybe you and me should think about --

ANDREW: (shutting him down) Warren's the boss. He's Picard. You're Deeana Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

WARREN: ...the clothes, the cars, the money -- that's all just window dressing, baby. This is what's really important... Two souls, coming together --

FRANK: Hey! She only comes together with me. Get lost, shrimp.

WARREN: Frankie? Oh my god, is that you?! How long has it been? It's Warren, remember? Remember Warren, gym class, fifth period? (still jolly) Oh man, you and your jock buddies used to give me such a hard time. That thing with the underwear? God, I thought I'd never stop crying.

FRANK: That was you?

WARREN: Yeah, that was me, but hey, no hard feelings. I know you were just fooling around. Like I'm gonna be with your girl in about five minutes.

FRANK: (darkening) What'd you say?

WARREN: You heard me, meathead. Take a walk.

FRANK: You're dead, you little --

WARREN: This ain't high school. (starts fighting) Let's party.

WARREN: Don't worry about the tab, now, ladies. It's on daddy tonight. Don't worry baby, Daddy's gonna give you some too...

XANDER: (walking up) See now, I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her. 'cause incest -- not that sexy.

JONATHAN: (softly, watching) Aw crap.

XANDER: So why don't we leave the ladies to their impending nausea and move the freakshow outside. Wadaya say?

WARREN: Okay. But can I ask you something first? You think maybe you could put in a word for me with that Anya chick? 'Cause if she's taking it from a vamp, I think I might have a chance --

(Xander slugs Warren in the face, but it doesn't phase him. )

WARREN: No wonder she's screwing a dead guy. You hit like a girl.

XANDER: At least I know how to get one.

WARREN: Let's see how popular you are without a face...

JONATHAN: Warren, we have to go.

WARREN: We go when I'm ready.

JONATHAN: Hey, it's your call. But... we're gonna miss that thing you wanted to do tonight if we don't leave right now. That's all I'm saying.

WARREN: It's your lucky night. Shemp.

ANDREW: We're just gonna leave him there? What if he sics the Slayer on us?

WARREN: Bring her on.

• Buffy vs the Legion of Dorkness (Trio)

written by: Steven S. DeKnight; No transcript available, so I started with the Shooting Script and spent a couple-three hours editing it to match what was said and shown on the broadcast version. . Full transcript at: