LORNE: Well, isn't this a lovely surprise.

CORDELIA: *He's* surprised. I didn't think he *owned* terry cloth.

LORNE: Hmm. Such a small entourage tonight. Hey, Gunn, why didn't you bring your other friends? 'cause they make a party.

GUNN: (contrite) Maybe I should wait outside.

LORNE: You know, I'm - I'm not entirely uncomfortable with that suggestion.

(Gunn leaves.)

TRISH: What kind of a place is this?

LORNE: Oh, do you like it? I was kinda going for a Dresden after the bombing sort of feel.

ROGER: Ah, is this one of your big 'industry contacts?' Some guy in a bathrobe, wearing makeup and fake horns?

LORNE: They're not fake! And it's - only a little eyeliner.

WESLEY: Lorne, I'd like you to meet Fred's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Burkle. They're here visiting - from the country.

ROGER: (offended) Yeah. You have to forgive us hicks. Down in Texas we don't get a lot of guys who wear eyeliner - not for long anyway.

CORDELIA: He's just teasing you. He probably just got back from a shoot. He and Angel do monster movies together! Right, Lorne?!

LORNE: Ah... No.

(Angel walks up to Lorne and pulls him aside.)

ANGEL: Can I talk to you for a second?

TRISH: Some detectives! You have no idea where our daughter is, do you?

ROGER: Maybe they do. Maybe they just don't want us to find her.

ANGEL: Look, Lorne, I'm sorry about the bar, but right now Fred is missing and we need your help.

LORNE: Oh, really? Yeah, well, I'm not some mystical vending machine here to spit out answers every time *you* waltz in with a problem. I have a heart. Granted it's located in my left butt cheek, but it's still a heart. And that heart is broken! I mean, why is it no one ever cares about *my* destiny? Everyone who walks through that door is all about me, me, me. Well, what about my me? My me's important.

ANGEL: You know where she is, don't you?

LORNE: (reaching) A-and another thing, how... how do they get the pimentos in the olives, huh? There's a mystery for you. You know, do they stuff each one by hand, 'cause that seems a little time consuming, or do you think they have a - little - pimento - stuffing - machine ...

(gives up) Fred doesn't want to see her parents. She has reason for that. I mean, why force a showdown if you don't have to?

ANGEL: Because it won't be over. They found her once, they'll do it again. At least this time we can be there to protect her. (Lorne shakes his head a little and looks away) Please. Tell me where Fred is. I know you're not a slot machine.

LORNE: Vending machine, you big palooka. (sighs) Alright, but play this one delicately, bro. Because it's gonna get messy.

• Angel & Lorne (the Host)

written by: Mere Smith; Original transcript anonymous. Edited and formatted for this site by me.. Full transcript at:
http://www.buffyworld.com/angel/season3/transcripts/49_tran.shtml