ANYA: You're too close.

XANDER: How m'I supposed to read?

ANYA: I don't know. I'm staring right at the stuff and I can't read it.

XANDER: Well, how's the translation coming? What have we got so far?

ANYA: So far we've got "the". Well, either "the" or "towards" I'm not really sure. I can't do this. I'm in retail. Stupid ancient Sumerians...

JONATHAN: I'm pretty sure it's Babylonian. The text is similar, but the dialect is completely different.

XANDER: Great. Babylonian. Thanks a bushel. Unless you can read Babylonian, why don't you sit back down?

ANDREW: Why are you helping them?

JONATHAN: Because they're saving our lives, you moron.

ANDREW: Uh-huh. And what then? Even if they kill that Wicca bitch, you think they're just gonna let us walk? They own us.

JONATHAN: So what do you want me to do?

ANDREW: Look around! You know Magick. We're in a Magic Shop. We can take *them*. The books are sucked, dry, but so what? - There's still like tons of supplies all around us - this is the best chance we're gonna get to make it out of here.

JONATHAN: And do what?

ANDREW: Start over. We can be the Duo. You and me, you can even be the leader, I swear. I'll take orders. I like taking orders. Just tell me what to do.

JONATHAN: You want an order? (shoves him) Grow up.

XANDER: Hey now - play nice, fellas, or you'll break our concentration.

ANYA: Which means no protection spell...

XANDER: And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless, too.

ANDREW: Then what? You think your Li'l Witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck driving Magic Mamma. And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa-burgers, and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her.

XANDER: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

• Buffy vs the Legion of Dorkness (Trio)

written by: Douglas Petrie; No transcript available, so I started with the Shooting Script and spent a couple-three hours editing it to match what was said and shown on the broadcast version. . Full transcript at: