RATING: PG, some cursing
SUMMARY: Jesse reflects from beyond the grave.
SPOILERS: Seasons 1-5 are fair game. Set before Buffy's death.
DISCLAIMER: Nothing is mine.
Sucks to be Me
by Rebecca Carefoot
It sucks being dead.
I know, that seems sort of obvious. But it needs to be said.
Because it REALLY sucks.
Oh, I'm not talking about physical pain or an eternity of torture or whatever your feverish little brains are conjuring up. I'm not in Hell. Not *the* Hell. But you know...sometimes I feel like I might as well be. Isn't it a sort of hell to be stuck, watching, never doing, not able to *do* anything? Isn't it sort of a hell to watch yourself be forgotten, like you never even existed at all? I'm getting kind of deep in my old age. Who would have thought.
But see. That's part of the problem. Age. The dead don't age. Which, I know...you're saying...sixteen forever, what a trip! And I don't have to deal with acne or high school either. But in a way I wish I could. I wish I could *anything.* Fall down and skin my knee. Cut off one of my fingers. Grow my hair long. Have acne. Anything that would be a *change.* You know, man? Cause we don't change here, not at all.
And it's not like I got to do anything before I died either. Xander and Willow have helped save the world. More than once. Me, I whacked off some, went to the Bronze some, goofed around with my friends. When they die, it'll probably be some heroic thing where they give their lives to save someone else, or save *everyone* else. And even if it's not, they've had all these adventures. They've seen things hardly anyone on Earth has seen. Me, once I got ahold of Lindsey McAlister's boob. Not exactly the kind of stuff you write home about. And look how I died. Tricked by a chick and used as bait. Barely even put up a fight. I can't tell you how often I've wished that I could have spent even one more year with my buds, fighting evil with them, joining in the excitement, doing something *important.*
I've been watching them for years; I've seen them change. But somehow, my mind can't grasp it. I'm still stuck at sixteen, in my mind I always see the Xander and Willow I knew then. I see Willow and Xander now and I'm like, who are these people? The two people I loved most in the world. My best friends. I knew them better than I knew myself. And now I can't even recognize them. It's change, man. It's *life.* I mean, look at Willow. She's got herself a cute little chicky by the name of Tara. Little quiet for my tastes, but pretty good for someone who's never had a girl before. She's in love with a girl. Willow's bisexual? Geez. When did that happen, you know? And a witch on top of that. All kinds of powerful. I watch her and Lord... Where's the shy little hacker I used to know? The one who'd scold me and Xand if we got too crazy. The one who'd do my homework for me if I got behind so I wouldn't fail my algebra class. She was the quiet one, and now she's blowing holes in walls, trying to kill a god with her mind?
And Xand. Wow. Xander Harris engaged to be married. I never thought I'd see the day. But he's changed too. Not like Willow. It's weird. In high school, Xand and I were the loud ones, the clowns, and Willow was the quiet one in the background. And now, Willow's more powerful than anyone, and Xander's this normal guy. Background guy. He's like this responsible man with an apartment and a job and all that stuff you think are only for old people. This is a guy who drank a gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath? This is the guy who had to go the hospital after he shoved a raisin all the way up his nose on a dare? Who got detention with me when we set off a smoke bomb at a football game? He's all grown-up.
And I'm not.
I never will be.
When I first got here, I used to sit around and wait for them to join me. Not like a vulture or anything. Okay, maybe, sort of like that. But I just figured, they're hanging with this Buffy chick and she's a magnet for danger and demons and stuff. So pretty soon one of them is gonna buy it, and I'll have me some company.
Only after a while I started realizing, things had changed. All of sudden, it was almost better to be alone, so fucking lonely I could go crazy, than to have them here and find out they didn't even know who I was. Or if they did recognize me, to feel the disappointment of having absolutely nothing in common. What could we do? What could we talk about? I'm not like them. I didn't grow up. I didn't change. I didn't get to help them save the world or share their sorrows and their joys. I don't have any cool memories or stories to share, anything for them to catch up on.
We were best friends. And now they're strangers to me, and I'm nothing but a dim memory to them.
So, great. Back to watching them get ready for the next epic battle I don't get to be a part of. Back to watching them get further away from me every single day. Back to watching. What else is there to do besides twiddle my metaphorical thumbs?
Man, it sucks to be me.
end
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