Back at his apartment, Angel collapsed in his chair. Buffy, after studying him for a moment, sat down on his lap.
His arms went around her almost absently, and his eyes were focused on some point in front of them. She took his chin in her hand and turned his face towards her. “Hey,” she said softly. “I never knew staring off into space was more interesting than I am. Let’s see what we can do about that, huh?” And she leaned forward to kiss him.
He twisted his head out of her gentle hold. “Angel?” she asked, her voice becoming anxious. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Angel’s eyes finally focused on her. “How can you still want to kiss me? After everything I did.... How?”
Buffy felt her chest tighten in fear. She’d been expecting this. In fact, she was surprised that the guilt had held off this long. She knew that it was going to take everything she had and more to keep him from leaving. But no way was she going to let him go without a fight. “Because I don’t believe it was you. You *know* that you would never have done any of those things if you’d had your soul. And your soul is what makes you you. So it wasn’t you. And I know that. And so does everybody else, except for you.”
He got up, gently easing her off his lap and into the chair, and stood across from her, leaning against the wall. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be happy. *I* *killed* *people.* I killed people I knew. I killed friends. I shouldn’t have the things that I took away. Life, and hope, and happiness. It’s not fair.” He started in the direction of the door.
“Angel...”
He stopped, still facing away from her. “Buffy, it’s not fair for me to stay. You’re always saying that you want a normal life..... well, I’m about as far from normal as you can get. And if I’m gone, maybe you can find someone else...”
She blinked in disbelief. “*Someone else?* Angel, we’ve been over this a hundred times. You were gone for six months. I could have found someone else. I had multiple opportunities to find someone else. I don’t want any one else.” She was kneeling in the chair now, pleading eyes focused on his back. “I only want you.”
“Buffy....”
She got up and moved towards him, grabbing the front of his jacket in both hands and turning him to face her. Her voice was angry now. “Stop being so damn selfish, Angel! You think you’re so noble, giving me up so that you can feel like you’re giving penance or something... so that I can find someone else. Well, I’ve got news for you, Angel. You don’t need to give penance. No-one thinks you should. I forgive you, Giles forgives you, Willow forgives you..... even Xander forgives you! I heard what he said last night. If he still wanted you out of the picture, he wouldn’t have said anything. We fixed the damn spell so that it can’t be broken. My mother doesn’t mind about our being together. Every possible excuse that you can think of falls through.”
Angel’s hands grasped her wrists, pulling them free of his jacket. He held them in a tight grip as he spoke.
“Do I need an excuse? Where does it say that I can’t just leave because I know it’s right? Because I don’t want to see you suffer, or cause you to suffer any more? Because you’d be better off without me?” He pushed her away and, caught by surprise, she fell to the floor. He turned his back on her and reached for the doorknob.
Buffy was sprawled on the floor, crying. She pulled herself to a sitting position. “How can you do this to me?”
Angel half-turned.
“I gave you everything. I gave you my trust, my friendship, my love..... I gave you *myself*.” He was turned all the way around now, eyes focused on her bent head. “You left me once, and you took it all with you. The knife was just going to quicken my death, Angel. I was dying slowly anyway. I’d been dying since you left. If you leave again, you’ll take everything I have.” She choked on a sob, paused, and started again. “I love you. I want to be with you for as long as I can. I don’t.....” Her voice broke. “I don’t want to be alone again.”
He felt as if someone had slapped him in the face. It had never occurred to him that she wouldn’t be all right if he left. Her near-suicide was the climax of everything, her mother throwing her out, getting expelled. It wasn’t just because of him. Buffy was strong. She’d get over it. She’d be better off without him.
For the first time, he began to realize that maybe she wouldn’t. He forced himself to replay some of the memories from the demon’s reign. The emptiness in her eyes. The lack of life in everything she did.
Maybe she did need him. Maybe even as much as he needed her.
Angel sat next to her on the floor, and carefully took her in his arms. He felt her tears soaking his shirt, and he rocked her gently back and forth. “Shhh. It’s going to be all right. Everything’s going to be all right.”
She shook her head. “Nothing’s going to be all right. Not until I know that you won’t go away again.” Her eyes lifted and locked with his. “Promise me. Then it will be all right. Everything will be all right.”
He looked at her. She needed him. And maybe, just maybe, she was right. Maybe everything the demon had done wasn’t his fault. Maybe it wasn’t a sin for him to be happy.
“I promise. I’ll never leave you again.”
Their lips met to seal the promise. With each kiss, they distanced themselves further from the pain and the loss of the past few months. With each kiss, they healed one more wound.
***
When she woke up, she thought it was another one of her dreams.
It was a familiar dream. She lay in bed, wrapped in Angel’s arms. Soon the alarm would go off, and she would have to open her eyes and deal with the usual sense of post-dream loss, and then shake it off and go to school. She snuggled deeper into his embrace, and closed her eyes, trying to prolong the dream as long as possible. Another minute, maybe two, and she would be alone again.
Two minutes passed. Three. Five.
Slowly, as her brain rid itself of the cobwebs of sleep, she realized it wasn’t a dream.
Smiling, Buffy opened her eyes. Angel was still asleep, one arm underneath her head, the other lying heavily across her waist. She propped herself up on one elbow and studied his face. She’d never seen him asleep before. For the first time, she saw his face completely unguarded. She saw the pain that he always tried to hide, overlaid now with the happiness that was so new to him. That *she* had given him. She touched his lips gently, then traced his eyebrows with her fingertip.
He stirred, then blinked sleepily. Opening his eyes, he smiled at her. “Seeing you first thing in the morning is better than watching the sun rise.” He pulled her to him for a kiss.
Angel ran his fingers through her hair and down her back, sending wonderful chills up her spine. “Silk and satin,” he mumbled.
Buffy was confused. “What?”
“Silken hair and satin skin,” he elaborated.
“Oh.” She smiled. “You’re great with compliments.”
They lay together for a while, saying nothing. Safe in the knowledge that for once, for this brief moment in time, they were together.
“Angel?”
He turned his head slightly to look at her. “What?”
“Who’s the girl in that picture? The one that looks like Ms. Calendar?” She had raised herself on her elbow again, and was looking down at him.
Angel sat up, looking confused. “What picture?”
Buffy sat up too. “You know. The one over your desk. It’s a big portrait, and the girl looks like Ms. Calendar.”
He was silent for a minute. “That’s the Romany girl. The one I killed, and her clan gave me my soul back. I never realized that she looked like Jenny.”
Buffy swallowed. “Did you ever know her name?”
Angel furrowed his brow, trying to remember. “I think the Gypsies called her.... Jannah, maybe? I’m not sure.”
She sighed. “Jannah. That would fit.” She looked up at him with sadness touching her face. “Ms. Calendar’s real name was Jannah. She told Giles that once, when she was trying to explain.... everything. She must have been related to the Jannah that died, somehow. That would be why she got the job of watching you.” She sighed and leaned back against the wall. “It’s funny, isn’t it. She and Giles were so different. But at the same time, they were so much alike. They even had the same job. Watching.” She realized that she was probably adding to Angel’s guilt feelings, and fell silent.
“Buffy?”
She shook herself out of her reverie. “What?”
Angel was frowning, as if he was trying to remember something. “Everything that happened right before I got my soul back is pretty fuzzy right now, but I’m almost positive that Spike stood up and hit me over the head with something. Did that really happen, or am I just not remembering something?”
Buffy giggled. “Yup. He got up out of his wheelchair and hit you with a poker or something until Dru attacked him. She was pretty upset. Then he knocked her out somehow and I don’t know where they went.”
Now Angel was *really* confused. “You wouldn’t have made it if he hadn’t helped. Or if he hadn’t knocked Dru out. You’re sure you didn’t do a soul restoration on *him*?”
She smiled. “No. He didn’t like the way Dru acted around you. He was jealous. So.... he looked me up and told me that he would give me Giles - alive - in exchange for letting him take Dru out of the country. And he wasn’t too happy with the whole end-of-the-world thing either. So that was added incentive to stop you.”
“Who would have guessed it......” Angel looked completely stupefied. “My best friend turns on me..... for a *girl*! Well, I guess it’s about the nicest thing he’s ever done.....”
Buffy was still angry at Xander. “A lot nicer than *my* best friend was to *me*. I still can’t believe he didn’t tell me that Will was going to try the curse again. It would have saved a lot of time, for one thing.....”
Angel pulled her into the circle of his arms. “How? I pulled the sword out before you noticed, so you would have had to kill me anyway.”
She gave him a withering look. “I would have made very sure that you were down for the count, decapitated those vamps, tied you up, and waited for the curse to hit. Not a fool proof plan, I admit, but it would have worked.”
He tilted her head up to meet his gaze. “It all worked out, so it won’t do any good to keep blaming him. We’re together now. That’s all that matters.” Buffy felt like she was drowning in his eyes. Slowly, she raised her lips to meet his.
When they finally broke the kiss, she settled herself comfortably against his chest, reveling in the knowledge that if she reached for his hand, after all these months of grasping at empty air, she would feel his fingers twine with hers. Angel ran his fingers lightly through her hair.
“Buffy?”
The sound of his voice made her smile. When the demon had spoken, it hadn’t really sounded like Angel. That voice had been devoid of all tenderness. When Angel said her name, she could hear his love in every syllable. “Hmmm?”
He rested his chin on the top of her head. “Remember that dress you wore, that one time when you danced with Xander?”
Buffy winced. “Is anybody ever going to let me forget that?”
He chuckled under his breath. “I wasn’t bringing it up to embarrass you. I was just wondering....”
The undertone in his voice sounded suspiciously teasing. “You were wondering what?”
“Maybe you could wear it sometime when you’re *not* going to be tearing my heart out and stepping on it. Because it looked really pretty on you.”
She looked up at him, surprised and pleased. “You notice what I wear?”
Angel smiled to himself, recalling lonely nights when he would try and bring her closer by drawing her, copying every detail of her hair, her makeup, her outfit, her expression.
He shrugged. “Sometimes.”
The murmur of voices pulled Buffy awake. Blinking, she yawned and forced her eyes open.
She sighed. She’d been at Angel’s for two days, and today was the day she’d promised her mother that she’d be home. Even though she *did* want to be home again, she would miss the peacefulness of his apartment. She would especially miss being with him. Curling up next to him in his chair while he read, feeling his arms around her as she fell asleep, watching *him* sleep.
Suddenly Buffy remembered what had woken her. Frowning slightly, she strained her ears to the outer room. She recognized Angel’s voice, but he was talking so low that she couldn’t make out the words. The other voice was low also, and although it sounded familiar, she couldn’t quite place it.
She sat up, swinging her legs off the bed. Pausing for a moment, she glanced around the floor. “Clothes. Yes. Clothes would be a good idea,” she muttered to herself. Grabbing the first thing that she touched, which happened to be a shirt of Angel’s, she put it on and buttoned it. It hung just above her knees. Deciding that it covered enough, she pushed past the curtain that sectioned off the little alcove.
And promptly stopped in her tracks. Angel had pulled his foot stool slightly away from the chair and was sitting there. Across from him, comfortably ensconced in the armchair, was the demon Whistler.
He turned to face her. Feeling suddenly cold, Buffy wrapped her arms around herself. She felt like if she let go, she would fall to pieces on the floor. The last time she’d seen Whistler, he’d told her that she had to destroy Angel. She still didn’t know whose side he was on, if anybody’s. And deep inside her, there was this irrational fear that his presence meant that Angel would go away again.
She took a deep breath. “Did you come to take him away from me again?” she asked, her voice shaking ever so slightly.
One corner of Whistler’s mouth turned up in a half-smile. “No, kid,” he said gently. “I don’t think that I could, even if I tried.” He paused. “Even if I wanted to.”
Buffy let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Every muscle in her body relaxed, and she felt herself smiling back at him. She walked over and sank to the floor by Angel’s feet, tucking her legs underneath her and leaning her head against his knee. She felt Angel bend down to kiss the top of her head, and twisted her neck around so that the kiss landed on her mouth instead.
She heard Whistler chuckling. “You were right, Angel. She *is* prettier than the last Slayer.”
Buffy pulled away from Angel and raised her eyebrows at him. “And when exactly did you say *that*?”
Angel gave her a slightly guilty look. “We-ell, actually.......”
Whistler glanced from one to the other. “Angel, I said you were supposed to be a *cryptic* guy, not a completely silent guy. *Tell* the kid things every once in a while - you know, with*out* making her give you the third degree?”
Angel glared at him. “I was going to. I just never got around to it.”
Buffy was looking back and forth from one to the other, resembling a spectator at a tennis match. “Whoa. Wait a second. Still needing back story here? What are you two talking about? What does this have to do with me being prettier than the last Slayer?” She turned to Whistler and gave him a look that would have made a hardened criminal cringe. “And when and why did you *tell* him he was supposed to be a cryptic guy?”
Angel sighed. “I was living in Manhattan about two years ago.”
“ ‘Living’ is a stretch. ‘Scrabbling for an existence like a bum on the streets’ comes a lot closer to the truth,” Whistler put in.
Angel gave him a withering look. “Could you let me tell the story?” Whistler put up his hands in a ‘peace’ gesture. “Thank you.” He turned back to Buffy. “Anyway, I was living on the streets, and one night this strange guy in strange clothes with a Brooklyn accent comes up to me and offers me the chance to be somebody. I had no clue what he was talking about.” He was staring off into space, reliving the memory as he spoke. “He showed me you. You were waiting for your boyfriend to get out of football practice, and your first Watcher showed up.” He looked down at Buffy. She, too, was lost in the past, experiencing the moment as if for the first time. “I...” He swallowed hard. “I was in the graveyard that night. And I was outside your house when you got home afterward. I watched you through the window.”
Buffy looked up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She smiled. “I guess you really are my guardian angel, then, aren’t you?” He nodded slowly, the a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Whistler cleared his throat. “Well, kids, I hate to interrupt this touching moment, but I really just stopped by to make sure that everything was back on track.” He stood up and headed for the door. Opening it, he turned back and grinned at them. “I’ll be in touch. Don’t get yourselves killed.”
And he was gone.
“Hank? It’s Joyce.”
Buffy and Angel sat in her kitchen, listening to the phone call between her parents. She was curled up on his lap, her head leaning against his chest. Mrs. Summers had insisted that Buffy be in the room with her for moral support, since she was about to tell her ex-husband a whole list of reasons why Buffy wouldn’t be spending the summer with him, none of which were technically true. Buffy had insisted that Angel be in the room with *her*, for moral support when she had to talk to her dad.
“It’s about Buffy,” Joyce was saying. “No, nothing like that. She’s fine. It’s just that..... well, she won’t be able to spend the summer with you this year. At least, not the whole summer.” There was a pause while she listened to Hank’s predictable (and understandable) reaction. “Well, it’s partly because of school. She missed some of her exams..... Why? Well, one of her friends was in the hospital, and Buffy couldn’t really concentrate under those circumstances.” She glanced over at her daughter and crossed her fingers. “So she has to make those up.... and her teachers think that she might need to take a few summer school courses. She’s been falling behind a little bit... nothing to worry about, they say. They just want to make sure that she’s prepared for senior year.....”
Angel raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Once your mother decides to accept something, she really accepts it,” he said.
Buffy nodded. “Yeah. She’s really taking this well. I’m still waiting for the breakdown.”
Just then Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia came in through the kitchen door, arguing good-naturedly. They quieted when they saw that Mrs. Summers was on the phone, but continued to talk in whispers.
“I come bearing food!” announced Xander, setting two pizza boxes down on the table. At a glare from Cordelia, he moved them over to make space for the popcorn and chips she was carrying.
“What movie did you guys get?” Buffy asked.
“Scream 2,” Oz answered, setting the bag from the video store next to the food.
Buffy groaned. “Don’t we have enough bloodshed in our everyday lives?”
Willow giggled. “Well, it was the only decent new release that didn’t involve demons, vampires, werewolves, or high school,” she said apologetically.
Angel looked relieved. “Good,” he said. “I hate vampire movies.” Everyone burst into laughter, and after a moment, he joined in.
“Buffy,” Joyce said. “Your father wants to talk to you.” She held out the phone. “Try and keep it down to a dull roar, all right? The pillows and things for Willow and Cordelia are in the linen closet. And make sure that the guys are on their way by midnight. See you in the morning.” She kissed Buffy on the cheek and headed upstairs.
“You guys go in and start the movie, okay? I’ll be in in a minute,” Buffy said. She looked at Angel, and he nodded. He’d stay in the kitchen with her. The rest of the Scooby gang picked up the food and relocated to the family room.
Buffy lifted the phone to her ear. “Hi Dad.”
“Hi Buffy. What’s this I hear about you not coming this summer?”
“I might be able to come for a couple of weeks at the end. But I really need to get caught up on my work, get ready for senior year, you know? I wish I could come for longer,” she said.
“Well, I’ll miss you, honey. I wish you could come for longer too.” Her father’s voice sounded sad. Then he brightened. “You sound like you have some friends over.”
She smiled. “Yeah, Willow, and Xander, and her boyfriend Oz, and his girlfriend Cordelia.” She paused, glancing at Angel. “And....... my boyfriend. His name’s Angel.”
She could almost see her father’s eyebrows going up. “Oh? What’s he like?”
“He’s wonderful.” She could feel Angel’s eyes on her, and she raised her gaze to meet his. “He looks out for me, and he’s smart, and really sweet.” She saw a smile creeping over Angel’s face. “He’s a great guy.”
“Well, that’s wonderful, sweetheart. I wish I could meet him.” He sounded slightly wistful.
“Maybe you will sometime.”
Suddenly Xander called from the family room, “Hey Buff! Hurry up or there won’t be any pizza left!”
Her father sighed. “Well, I guess I’d better let you go. I’ll see you soon, I hope.”
“Soon.” Buffy was reluctant to hang up. Here was another person she’d almost lost. “I love you, Daddy.”
She heard the smile in his voice. “I love you too, Buffy. ‘Bye for now.”
“ ‘Bye.” She hung up the phone slowly, then turned to Angel. “Come on,” she said with a grin, grabbing his hand. “Let’s go pretend we’re normal teenagers.”
With a crooked smile, Angel allowed himself to be led into the family room.
THE END