Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy and the WB.
Summary: Xander and Angel find a deeper understanding of eachother.
Rating: PG...character death.
by: Andrea
It was a day like any other on the Hellmouth, yet another demon intent
on destroying the Slayer, or the world, I'm never sure exactly what
they're up to, only that I have to help stop them.
So, on this day, we were all present and accounted for, the Slayers and
her two Watchers, the witch, the werewolf, the boy and me, the vampire
with a soul. We found the demon's lair easily, too easily it turns out,
and before we knew it we were ambushed, vampires, demons of all sorts
attacking. It took me a few minutes to get my bearing enough to know
that Faith was there, and that she had set us up.
I watched helplessly as she moved towards Giles, her eyes crazed as she
lifted her stake. Then from out of nowhere came Xander, throwing his
body in front of Giles, taking the stake that was meant for him. He
slumped to the floor, blood pouring out of a wound in his stomach. I
moved quickly then, killing anything that got in my way as I moved
towards him, barely noticing when Buffy killed the last demon. I picked
up his unconscious body in my arms just as the roof began to crumple.
I have never moved so fast in my life, desperate to get the boy out
before he died in that cave. Faith ran too, her arms stretched out
towards Buffy, who was waiting at the entrance. Faith fell, pleading
with Buffy to save her as I tried to get her to take Xander's body.
Everything seemed to slow down as Buffy reached down, lifting Faith up
and leading her from the cave. I struggled against time as dirt filled
the only exit, my feet feeling like I was trapped in quicksand as the
opening disappeared. I saw Buffy's face for one last instant, saw her
looking at me in terror, the traitor laying in safety on the ground.
The exit was gone by the time I reached it, but I tried anyway, setting
Xander down carefully on the ground as I dug at the dirt, not stopping
until I heard him moan. Kneeling down in the dirt beside him, I kept my
face blank, not wanting him to be any more afraid than he already was.
He looked up at me, a weak smile on his face. "The enemy of my enemy is
my friend."
""What?" I begged, the smell of his blood frightening me, there was so
much of it, and the aroma was so rich.
"Faith...you...understand now, " he said his voice weak. He reached out,
putting his hand over the hole in his stomach. "This is bad."
"Xander." I started to lie; to tell him that everything would be okay,
but when I looked into his eyes all I could do was nod.
"Do you know me?" He asked, his body shaking as shock set in.
I took off my coat, laying it carefully over his body before answering.
"Yes."
"Really?" he pleaded, tears slipping down his cheeks. "Look at me then,
and tell me who I am."
I hesitated, I don't know why, before looking at him. I met his eyes
slowly, carefully, afraid of what I would find. I stared into his eyes,
and saw things that I had never dreamt of seeing, and everything I had
expected to. He looked up at me, his mask slipping away until all that
was left was his soul, his essence, and the truth that was Xander. In
that moment I realized so many things, so many lies that I had told
myself, and lies that I had told others. His dark eyes searched mine,
and I could do nothing but accept the truth, that he was everything I
had ever wanted to be.
I cleared my throat softly, needlessly, wanting to find the perfect
words; words that would make him understand who he was, to me and to the
others even if they didn't know it. "You are Xander. You're braver than
you should be, and more loyal than any of us have any right to deserve.
You love your friends more than you love yourself, and there isn't
anything you wouldn't do for them."
"Lies." He choked out, his voice raspy as his chest rose and fell
slowly, too slowly. "I didn't tell Buffy that Willow was doing the
curse."
I shook my head, dismissing his words even as I answered him. "You did
that so that she could do what she had to do."
"I betrayed her." He berated himself, guilt swimming in his dark eyes.
"You didn't." I whispered, smoothing the hair back from his face. I
remembered the first time I saw him, and the overwhelming feeling I had
then that he would change my life. He was so young, and so innocently
brave, wanting to defend his friends from the demon in their midst. He
hated me so passionately from the beginning, even before I lost my soul
and I don't think he ever understood why. I always did.
"Will you tell her I'm sorry?" He begged, his voice growing weaker as he
looked at me.
I nodded, wanting to argue that she didn't deserve his apology. She had
chosen Faith over him, had taken the girl from the cave even after she
had seen the blood pouring from Xander's stomach. Buffy had made her
choice knowing that Xander would die if he was left here. My stomach
rolled at the thought and I had to look away from him, not wanting him
to know that she had made that choice. I couldn't protect him from the
wound in his stomach, but maybe I could save him from one last wound to
his soul.
"I'm sorry you were sent to Hell," he whispered, his words turning into
a moan as the pain assaulted him.
Fighting back tears I smiled at him. "I deserved it."
"No." he replied, his words hard to understand as his breathing became
more labored. "You didn't. I understand now that you didn't have a
choice, that you did what you did because of the demon."
Absolution, from him, from the one person in the world who I had any
faith left in. The horrible part of it was that I would be happy now, if
he didn't lie dying on a cold dirt floor. When I came back from Hell,
his hatred greeted me, wished death on me and I was grateful for it. His
rage was so different from the others, so pure compared to the
grief-stricken Giles, or Buffy's hidden anger. Xander's rage was focused
and it had only one thing to say, "Why?" Why did I ruin their happy
group? Why did I bring my curse, and my evil and my failure to them? I
saw it all in his eyes, and I understood. "Xander," I whispered, my
voice thick with grief. "It's okay, you can hate me."
"I don't hate you," he answered in a voice made stronger by the
conviction in it. "I hate me. I've always hated me. And in your eyes I
can see myself."
I was silenced by his confession, shocked that he knew and that he could
say the words. I watched him carefully, searching for any hint of the
old hatred in his eyes.
He took a shaky breath, trying to shift his body and failing. I reached
out, my hands trembling as I helped him move. He laughed and then sucked
his breath in as another wave of pain hit him. Reaching out, he took my
hand in his as he continued speaking. "When we met, I knew you. Because
I could see the same pain and anger in your eyes that I didn't want to
feel. I've spent my life pretending that everything was okay, pretending
that nothing bothered me. I always made a joke, or made fun of myself so
that no one would know that I hurt. But when I looked at you I
understood that I wasn't alone, and I wanted to be alone so badly. I
thought I deserved to be alone, the wisecracking useless guy whose
parents can't even stand to be around him." His voice broke off as he
struggled for air. I moved closer, wanting to do something, anything to
help him, but he held his hand up weakly, his voice barely a whisper as
he continued. "When I looked at you all I could see were the
similarities, and I hated you for making me see. I hated you because you
made me wish that someone would see me."
"I saw you." I broke in, my heart breaking again for this boy.
He coughed, blood spilling from his lips as he fought for air. I took my
shirt to his lips, wiping the blood away gently. Xander smiled at me,
his eyelids falling closed and then opening again. "I know. And I hated
you for that too. You brought the pain that I couldn't share to my
friends and they saw you, while I was left alone."
"I'm sorry." I managed to say, angry with myself for not saying anything
sooner, for not forcing Buffy to look closer at her friend.
"Doesn't matter," he said, "Because I wasn't really alone. You knew, and
I knew underneath my anger that you cared. And sometimes I think Cordy
knew too." He grimaced, one tear slipping down his face as he struggled
to continue. "I understand now that none of us deserved the hand we got.
Especially you. You were made a vampire because you liked a girl, I
could have made the same mistake."
"No." I murmured, blood tears streaking my face as I shook my head.
"But I got lucky, I met you," he finished, his eyes intent as he looked
at me. "You didn't have a choice Angel, that's what you have to
remember, that's what you have to hold onto."
I stared back; feeling pieces of me falling away and shattering in the
blood soaked dirt. I touched his face gently, memorizing the feel of it
as he closed his eyes. He was silent for so long, the only sound in the
cave that I could hear was his heartbeat, faint and weak but still
there.
His eyes opened finally and he spoke again. "I know that Buffy chose
Faith." His lips curled upward in a weak smile as he motioned me closer.
I leaned down beside him, his words blowing across my face as he
whispered. "Don't you understand?" He lifted his head, pain vivid in his
eyes as he brushed his lips against mine. His head fell back all of his
strength gone, his dark eyes shimmering in his pale face. I pulled him
into my lap, my arms holding him tightly as I cried. "Haven't you always
understood?" He murmured as his eyes closed one final time.
I held him with shaking arms as he took one last breath, the life
draining from his body. Tears choked my throat as his body cooled in my
arms. "I understand," I answered him, holding his body close to me even
though he wasn't there any more. "I'm sorry I didn't..." My voice
trailed off, there was no use in apologizing, no use in pretending it
could have been any different. We were the same, Xander and I; destined
to be pawns in a game we had no control over. Destined to never be seen
for what we were inside and to be forced to play a part that wasn't
really us.
And yet we were different, no matter what he said, because at one time I
had a choice, no matter how unfair the choice had been, and he had never
been given one. He had been taught from birth that everything was more
important than him, and it had cost him his life. The unbearable part of
it was that no one would ever understand what he had given them. Except
me, I would never forget.
I set his body down gently, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. "I
love you," I whispered before I covered his body with my coat and sat
back against the wall, tears pouring from my eyes.
It wasn't long after that I heard the shouts from outside as they dug
the exit out. I stood carefully, picking up Xander's body and waiting
for them.
Buffy burst through first, making apologies and excuses that I couldn't
hear. I stared at her like I had never met her as I carried Xander's
body out into the world where he belonged. The wails of his friends
filled the air, mourning for a boy that they hadn't bothered to see. I
walked away from them, pausing for a moment in front of the brunette
girl standing silently on the edge of the group. I met her eyes and for
one brief minute I saw under her hard exterior to the heart broken girl
beneath. Cordelia moved forward gingerly, her fingers tracing lightly
over the outline of Xander's body as tears pooled in her eyes. She
looked back up at me, her eyes questioning.
"He was okay." I whispered softly to her. "He understood."
She nodded, one tear slipping down her cheek. "Can I go with you?"
"Yes." I answered as I began to walk again. She followed slightly behind
me as we moved away from the group, our masks firmly in place as the
others continued to cry.
end