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Part Seven

Sunnydale Beach
May 30, 2006


Cordelia felt the words leave her mouth before she even considered it. He turned at the sound of her voice and stared blankly at her standing there. She watched him consider her, knew that he hadn't accepted her presence yet. But then his face filled with love and he moved towards her, his hand outstretched. She held her breath, her heart pounding wildly, moving tentatively forward. Xander reached out for her, his hands grasping her tightly as he pulled her to him, mumbling softly in her hair as his hands moved across her back. Cordelia stood frozen in his embrace, caught between enjoying the feel of him holding her again and the knowledge that the smell of liquor emanating from him was probably the only reason he was anywhere near her. She pulled back slightly, fighting the urge to stay in his arms as long as he would let her. Xander stumbled as she moved away, his upper body swaying as he tried to stay on his feet.

"Are you real?" The words tumbled from his mouth barely intelligible. He reached out to touch her face, his eyes full of love. "Are you back with me?"

She stared at him, realizing he was to far gone to remember that he hated her. Swallowing the tears that wanted to come she smiled at him. "It's me. Come on, I'll take you home."

"No." Xander sank to the sand, his arms reaching out for her. "I was just remembering the night we spent here on the beach, when you told me that you never wanted to leave me. Stay with me here. Pretend you never left me." His voice pleaded with her.

Cordelia was beside him on the sand before she had time to think, her arms encircling him as if she could protect him from the clarity he would find once the effects of the liquor wore off. "I'll stay Xander. Don't worry, I won't leave."

"But you did." Xander spoke brokenly, more to himself than to her. "You left me and you said you never wanted to leave me." Snuggling his head onto her lap he closed his eyes and began snoring softly.

Running her fingers through his hair Cordelia cried softly, her heart breaking at the pain he still felt. "I never wanted to leave you. Never." Her arms wrapped around him tightly as he lay in her lap and she watched him sleep.

She woke a few hours later, the moon still high in the sky. She was confused for a moment, the feel of someone's arms around her an unfamiliar feeling. Xander moved against her then, his arms holding her a little tighter as he mumbled in his sleep. She stared at his face, so peaceful and unable to help herself she leaned in slightly to kiss his face. Knowing that she shouldn't do it, but also knowing that once he woke he would hate her again. Softly she touched her lips to his, trying to memorize the feel so she could carry it with her always.

When his lips began to move against hers she pulled back, but his lips captured hers again and she gave into the kiss. Her mind was screaming for her to move away, to stop this before it went any further, but the feel of him in her arms was too hard to fight. Cordelia surrendered to the moment, the temptation to be with him again impossible to resist. She closed her mind to any thought except the feel of him in her arms as they made love once again.

She woke again as the sun was slowly coming up in the sky. Slipping from Xander's arms she dressed quickly, terrified he would wake up before she could disappear. Last night had been her gift from fate and she knew as soon as Xander woke reality would come crashing back. Looking back down at his sleeping form she smiled softly before turning and running down the beach.

Cordelia avoided the beach after that night, afraid she would run into Xander again, afraid he wouldn't remember that night. More afraid that he would. She threw herself into her work once again, the loneliness becoming more and more difficult to bear. Most nights she sat alone in her apartment wondering how she was going to survive the rest of her life. Something had to change, she was sure of that. She either had to get out of this town, or move on. Xander wasn't ever going to be a part of her life. Rescue came in a strange form, her old friend Harmony, now a busy socialite in the Sunnydale country club came into her shop one day to ask for her help with a charity auction to benefit the Children's hospital. She couldn't understand why she said yes, but she had, grabbing onto the first semi-friendly voice she had heard directed at her since she had come home. Before she knew it she was on the planning committee and most of her nights were busy.

She almost enjoyed the nights spent planning, enjoyed the verbal sparring matches with Harmony, enjoying even more the look on Harmony's face when the only space available to hold the auction was at Sunnydale High School's auditorium. Some days she could almost pretend that this was the life she had always wanted. Everything went smoothly until she received the final copy of the guest list. She had felt her stomach drop out when she saw Willow, Buffy and Xander's name on the list of major contributors. Grabbing a chair she waited for the sinking feeling to pass. She looked over the paper closely, unable to believe that she had walked into the trap Harmony had set, but there it was, hidden on the back page in tiny letters, Alex Harris will be emceeing the auction. Laughing bitterly she stared at the words, finally understanding why Harmony had wanted her to be on the committee.

Going into her room she changed her clothes without knowing for sure what she planned to do. Quickly fixing her hair and make-up she stood looking at herself in the mirror. Satisfied that she looked like the Cordelia they all thought she was she spun around and left her apartment once again. Driving much too fast down familiar streets she pulled up to Sunnydale High School before she had time to think about what she was doing.

Slamming the car door behind her she walked into the building and headed straight to the gym. There was a meeting of the decorating committee there tonight. She wasn't sure if Harmony would still be there, but she was to angry to think straight. Yelling out Harmony's name she entered the gym, her eyes blazing as she prepared to have it out with her one time friend. "Harmony, why didn't you tell me? I can't do this. Harmony, where are you?"

"She's not here."

She spun around at the sound of his voice, her stomach clenching. "Xander." She fought desperately to keep her voice sounding normal as the room swam around her. Losing the battle the room around her faded as she fell forward onto the floor.

She came back to consciousness slowly, realizing that she was no longer in the gym. Moving her head tentatively she realized she was in the library. And that a very annoyed Xander was staring down at her. Struggling to a sitting position she pushed her hair off her face as she waited for him to speak.

"Why did you come back here?" Xander's voice was low and angry.

"I...I was trying to find Harmony. I didn't know you were here." Cordelia spoke softly, not wanting to anger him further.

"Not here. Sunnydale. Why come back? Haven't you done enough?" Xander's voice was still angry, but she could hear the pain under it, the hurt he was hiding.

Swallowing she struggled to sit up, hiding the hurt she felt. "I wanted to explain. To apologize. Xander..."

He was staring at her in open horror now, his mouth hanging open. "You are back for me."

Cordelia stared questioningly at him. "Back for you? I know you'll never forgive me. I just...I just wanted to say that I was sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know."

He began shaking his head, his features hardening into a mask. His mouth was tight as he spoke. "So, now you're sorry. Now that I have the money and the prestige you're sorry. How very Cordelia-like."

It was her turn to be horrified as she leaned back against the couch. "No. I...money doesn't mean anything. Xander..."

He smiled at her as he began clapping slowly; each time his hands came together the roar in Cordelia's head got louder. "Beautiful Cordy. Beautiful. I might believe you, if I didn't already know you. Very realistic, you almost seem human, your face so pale and your hair a mess. One might almost think that you were being truthful. That you had no idea that I would be here."

"I didn't." She choked out.

Xander continued as if he hadn't heard her. "But we both know you did. I've been set to emcee the auction for months. You can't honestly expect me to believe that you didn't know that."

Cordelia stared at her hands, wondering why she hadn't realized what Harmony was up to. She didn't realize he was waiting for her answer until he spoke again.

"What? You thought it would be this easy to trick me? You faint and I come running back. Come on Cordy, put a little effort into it. Put a smile on your face, compliment me, something. Cause this lost soul look just isn't you." Xander's leaned in close to her, the tone of his voice chilling her.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, wanting to block out his words. Speaking softly she questioned him. "And what exactly do you know about me?"

"I know you're heartless and cold. I know people are nothing more than a means to an end for you. I know you Cordelia. And I won't be fooled this time." Xander glared at her, his arms crossed in front of him.

She nodded her head, folding her arms tighter around herself, trying to widen the distance between them. "Like I fooled you before? Is that what you mean? And how did I fool you Xander? By dating you? By changing everything about my life? By loving you?"

"Don't." Xander's voice was harsh. "Don't sully the word Cordelia. Call it lust, call it anything, but don't say that you loved me."

Cordelia threw her head up and glared at him. "Does that make it easier? If you think I never loved you? Well, I did. So deal with it."

"Maybe you did, as much as you can love anything." Xander turned and started to walk out of the library.

Cordelia watched him start to leave, but the anger was present in her, for the first time in a long time and she couldn't let it go, even if it destroyed her to see the hate on his face. She sprung from the chair, ignoring the buzzing in her head as she caught up with him, grabbing his shirt to turn him around. "How dare you? How dare you say these things to me? What gives you the right to sit in judgment on me?"

He pulled his arm free and spat out. "Because I loved you. Because I believed you loved me. Because you left me, and you never looked back. Because I wanted to die when you left." His face was bitter as he paused, before continuing. "Because I still dream about you, dream of holding you. That's what gives me the right." His voice was louder now, his anger building. "Because after all this time I still want you. Is that what you want to hear?"

Cordelia stared at him, her anger fading as she remembered the night on the beach and realized that to him it was only a dream. Her voice was soft as she spoke again. "How do you know I never looked back? Did you ever look for me? Ever call me? Don't lay this all on me Xander. You never once tried to come after me. You seem to think I walked away free and clear Xander." Her voice broke as her words trailed off.

"Come off it. Cordelia Chase doesn't miss someone like me. You just went back to everything that being with me made you lose."

She crumbled then, feeling her insides disintegrate. Holding herself together by sheer will she spoke again, "How could you have been with me Xander? We were together for over two years and the whole time you were just waiting for me to change back?"

"No. I believed you. I believed the lie, totally." Xander's voice was bitter as he stared at her.

Cordelia nodded her head at him, her smile bitter. "But I act like a bitch for two weeks and you forgot those two years. You let me walk away. You didn't call, didn't write. You've been so busy hating me, blaming me, that you never asked yourself why. You never asked me why." Her voice was shrill and out of control even to her own ears. "You let me go Xander. I was yours and you let me go. And I've taken the blame for it for much too long, but I'm done now. You can take your hatred and your mistrust and your friends and you can stay out of my way."

Xander was watching her, the hatred mixing with puzzlement on his face. He was silent for a moment before the confusion faded away, and the anger burned even stronger. "Cordelia this is low, even for you. You're going to try and blame this on me? And then conveniently forgive me, I suppose. Then we'll fall into each other's arms and live happily ever after. Well then come here honey." Xander reached out and grabbed her before she could react.

He pulled her close to him, his lips hovering above hers for a moment before coming down hard on them. Cordelia was engulfed in a storm of emotions, from passion to fear, overwhelming love to the first stirring of hate. She kissed him back frantically; unable to stem the tide of emotions she was feeling. He released her just as suddenly, pushing her away with one hand as he wiped his mouth with the other. "So is it all forgiven honey?" Xander voice was rough, his breath ragged.

Cordelia felt the burn in her lips, and the hole that had just widened in her soul. She felt a tear run down her cheek, but she refused to wipe it away. Speaking softly to the man she loved she whispered, "I forgave you everything that happened then. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you this night."

Turning Cordelia walked out of the library, wiping frantically at the tears that spilled down her face. She felt her anger burn inside her at Xander, at Willow, at Buffy. At all the people who had found it so easy to believe the worst of her.

*~*~*~*~*~*
Part Eight

Sunnydale High School Library
July 17, 2006

Xander watched her walk away; her head held high, her shoulders straight. He felt a curious lump in his throat. She was back, finally, after all this time. And even though he knew she was lying he had wanted to believe her. Even though he knew she was a self-absorbed bitch who didn't even understand the meaning of the word love he wanted to chase after her and beg her to forgive him. He sat heavily down in a chair,his hands covering his face.

He didn't notice when Willow entered the library and sat down in the chair across from him. She cleared her throat quietly, letting him now that she was there. He looked up into the understanding face of his best friend. "She was here."

Willow nodded as she reached out and patted his arm. "I saw her car outside. She looked pretty upset."

Xander sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands across his eyes. "Her plan didn't work. She played the damsel in distress to perfection, but I told her I knew what she was up to."

"Good." Willow looked at him, her face worried. "You've got to let this go Xander. Move on. Cordelia left you over five years ago and you're still not over it. Buffy's doing better than you."

"Buffy's doing better because she knows he loved her. Hell I know he loved her and I can't stand the guy." Xander slammed his hand down on the table. "Why couldn't I have someone who loved me as much as they loved each other?" He stood quickly, walking over to the weapons cage.
"Except who isn't a monster."

"Xander." Willow's voice held a note of warning.

"I know, I know. But I never liked him." Xander busied himself playing with the weapons that were not yet put away.

"You will have someone that loves you that much Xander. I'm sure of it." Willow got up from her chair and walked over to him, carefully taking the crossbow from his hands and locking it up.

Xander smiled at his friend before walking away from the weapons cage. He didn't look at her as he began speaking again. "I had this dream about Cordelia and I can't seem to stop thinking about it." Picking up a book he feigned interest in it until Willow came around to stand in front of him. Knowing she would wait all night for him to finish he began speaking again. "I dreamt that she came to me on the beach and told me that she never wanted to leave me. And..and then we made love." Xander dropped his head, his face turning red as he suddenly threw the book he was holding. His paced around the library as he continued talking, his voice angry. "I can't stop thinking about it. It was so real, so vivid. I keep having these flashes of her, she's crying or she's holding me, or we're making love. It's driving me crazy, but I can't get it to go away."

"Xander..." Willow's voice trailed off as she looked sympathetically at him. Squaring her shoulders she spoke softly. "What if she's not lying? What if she really has changed, realized that she made a mistake? I mean, Xander, none of us has a perfect track record. Maybe she got scared?"

"Willow she wasn't scared. She was a bitch. She walked away from all of us without ever looking back." Xander glared at Willow before stalking out of the library.

*******

Cordelia sat in her car for hours, sobbing until she had no tears left. The only thought left in her head was anger at the unfairness of it all. How dare he sit on his high horse and judge her? He had failed her too. He was the one kissing another girl in the graveyard. She vowed to herself that these were the last tears she was ever going to cry for him.

She drove home blindly, and walked into her empty apartment. Sitting down at her kitchen table she dropped her head into her hands. Xander's words had shown her something she had tried not to face. His touch had proven his words. That had held none of the pain she had seen at the beach, none of the love she had felt in his arms. The sober Xander detested her more than she had imagined. He hadn't doubted her act, not even for a moment. When she had insulted him, he had thought that was the real Cordelia. Slamming her fists down on the table she pushed her chair back. Standing she began pacing around the room, her anger pushing the unbearable pain down so low she could barely feel it.

She walked through the weeks leading up to the auction in a daze, barely noticing the world around her. The nausea and the dizziness that seemed to plague her constantly she ignored until she passed out in the grocery store one day and woke up in the emergency room at Sunnydale General. She had tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea forced her to lay back down. She heard a rustling beside her bed and turned to see Willow sitting quietly in a chair.

The redhead looked up from her magazine and spoke quietly. "I saw you pass out. I..I don't think anyone should wake up in a hospital all alone."

Cordelia stared at Willow; her thoughts still confused as she noticed he air of self-confidence Willow now possessed. Licking her lips she whispered her thanks before closing her eyes again. She lay there, comforted by the rustle of the paper as Willow read her magazine. When she felt stronger she spoke to Willow again, her voice soft. "You don't have to stay. I'm awake now, and I know how you feel about me."

"Do you?" Willow spoke calmly, placing the magazine in her lap as she considered Cordelia.

"You hate me." Cordelia whispered.

Willow nodded her head slightly. "You hurt Xander. He almost died when you left."

"And you think I was okay?" Cordelia stared at the ceiling, knowing there was no way to change the actions she had taken. No matter why she had done it, she had still done it and the result had been horrible. But she was also finished pretending that she was something or someone she wasn't. Almost whispering she spoke. "I loved him with everything I was. Do you think it was easy to leave?"

"You did." Willow's voice was still calm.

Cordelia nodded her head once. "You're right. I did. But he never followed me. Never tried to find out why I left."

Willow stared at her like she was crazy. "You were so cold to him. Why should he have? You made it perfectly clear to all of us that we meant nothing to you."

Cordelia almost laughed, choking it down at the last minute. Afraid if she started she may just keep laughing until they came with the little white jacket. Her voice was brittle when she spoke again. "And how did I do that? By never asking you what was wrong when you started acting strange? By just assuming that the only reason someone could be bitchy is because they were a bitch? By ignoring someone's actions over a period of two years in favor of how they act for two weeks?" Cordelia stopped speaking suddenly, the tears to close for her to be able to keep talking.

Willow's voice was louder now. "Are you trying to say that we failed you?"

Cordelia covered her face in her hands, trying to give herself a moment before she answered. Uncovering her face she spoke to the ceiling. "No. I failed. I know that now." Her breath caught on a sob as she turned to look at Willow, her eyes wild. "It was my fault. I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone, but it wasn't. I thought I would make Buffy happy, Xander happy, everyone happy. And no one would feel guilty, because I was just shallow, self-absorbed Cordelia." Not wanting to face Willow's questioning look she continued, talking more to herself than to Willow. "It half worked, everyone thinks I'm a bitch."

Willow was glaring at her, her expression furious. "The best thing? You thought losing you would be the best thing for Xander?"

Cordelia took in Willow's angry expression and decided she had finally had enough. Her eyes dull, she stared at Willow. "Yes. I thought that would be the best thing. I, Cordelia, tried to be self-sacrificing and all I got for my trouble was a lifetime of loneliness. And the added bonus of ruining Xander's life. I won't ever make that mistake again."

Willow laughed then, her voice mocking. "Self-sacrificing? You?"

"Yes, me." Cordelia's voice was empty of any emotion. "How dare you even presume to know me or what I would do? I fought beside you for over three years, was your friend for over two. I proved myself to you. I trusted you. I even, and this is the really funny part, I loved you. But you never felt the same, none of you did. You were all waiting for the old Cordelia to reappear. All of you, even Xander!"

"That's not true." Willow spoke angrily.

"Not true? Did you believe I loved Xander? Before I changed?" Cordelia fired the questions at her.

"Yes." Willow spat the word out, her face cold.

"Did you believe I was your friend?"

"Yes."

Cordelia smiled then, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Then why didn't you ask me if anything was wrong? Why did you let me push you away? It was so easy for you to do." She paused, struggling to keep the hurt out of her face. "You've done it for Buffy, for Xander, Oz, Giles, even Angel. But you never asked me, never cared enough to ask."

"I'll ask now then. Did you have a reason?" Willow spoke carefully, as if the answer was something she didn't want to hear.

"Yes. And it was a stupid reason, and it means nothing now." Cordelia felt all her anger leaving her as she realized how futile this discussion was. She had lost Xander because of her actions, and whether or not Willow had cared for her once didn't really matter anymore. She felt the tears slip down her face, but she didn't care. Smiling sadly at Willow she spoke. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I came back here. I thought...I thought I...I don't know what I was thinking. I just...I never thought I would hurt him Willow. I swear I didn't. I thought he would be happy without me."

"Why? Didn't you know how much he loved you?" Willow's voice was cold as she considered her.

"Yes. I did. But I also knew how much he had once loved Buffy, and she was so alone, and so sad. I thought if I was out of the picture they would be happy together. But they weren't, so I lost everything for nothing." Cordelia cursed herself for the broken sound of her voice. She wasn't supposed to cry about this anymore. It was done, over; she should just turn and walk away.

"Why would you get jealous of Buffy then? Xander hadn't been in love with her for years." Willow spoke softly, her expression slightly less cold.

"It doesn't matter now Willow." Cordelia felt a weight lift off her shoulders as she spoke the words. She stared at Willow, seeing the past much clearer now. "What I thought or felt, or even saw means nothing."

"How can you say that? Xander loved you." Willow was almost screaming now. "You owe him some explanation of why you left him. Even if it is as stupid as being jealous of Buffy."

Cordelia nodded at Willows words, her heart still aching at the pain she had caused him, and the pain she had felt seeing him again. "So you tell him. Maybe then he'll understand, and stop putting all the blame on me."

"Tell him what?" Willow took a deep breath before continuing in a calmer voice. "What happened Cordy? What made you think he still loved Buffy? Why?"

Cordelia stared at Willow; shocked to hear Willow calling her by the nickname they had used when they were friends. She was silent, feeling hopeful that maybe they could find a way to be friends once again. That they could forgive her for leaving, if they knew that she had thought she was doing the right thing.She opened her mouth to finally tell someone the secret she had been carrying for so long when the doctor walked back into the room. She stared at him, worried suddenly that there was something really wrong with her. Holding her breath she waited for him to speak.

"Well Ms. Chase, it looks like congratulations are in order." The doctor smiled at her as he spoke. "You're pregnant."

Cordelia stared at him in horror, her mind flashing back to the night she had spent with Xander on the beach. She let out a small gasp, her hand reaching down to cover her stomach. Forgetting that Willow was in the room, or that her life was a mess she touched her stomach, amazed that she was being given a piece of Xander to keep with her forever.

The doctor wrote her a prescription for vitamins and told her to take it easy for the next few days before telling her she could go home. She turned then to see Willow sitting with a shocked expression on her face.

The redhead slowly picked up her magazine and purse and stood. "I'll wait outside while you get dressed. I can drive you home."

Cordelia looked at her in surprise, before speaking. 'Willow..."

"Don't." Willow held up her hand to stop her from speaking. "I don't want to hear your explanations. I can't believe I almost thought that you really did love Xander, that you still loved Xander. I'm sure you and the father will be very happy."

Cordelia watched Willow walk from the room before whispering softly, "No. We won't."
*******

The drive home was silent as Cordelia stared out of the window, trying not to think of what lay ahead of her. She shifted uncomfortably in the seat, desperate to be alone and to be able to think. Her hand reached down to touch her stomach, holding her hand over it as if she could protect the baby from all the mistakes its mother had made. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought of her child growing up without ever knowing its father. She toyed with the thought of telling Xander for a moment before realizing he would never believe the child was his. And what could she say to him, that she found him drunk on the beach and took advantage of him? Even if he believed her, he would never want to be her baby's father. Sighing she leaned her head back against the seat wishing Willow would drive faster.

She kept her eyes closed until she felt the car slow and finally stop. Her hand on the door handle she turned back to Willow, wondering if the red-head was going to say anything at all to her, but Willow's eyes stared straight ahead, her face a blank mask. Cordelia slid her legs out of the car, carefully getting to her feet. Her hand still on the door she turned back to Willow. "Thank you. For driving me home and for not letting me go to the hospital alone."

She stood straight, preparing to shut the door when Willow spoke. "Why did you move back here?"

Cordelia froze, her stomach tightening. "I don't know. Because it was home, because the best times in my life were here. Maybe because I thought I could apologize enough, could make you guys understand that I did love all of you." Cordelia swallowed, the sun shining down on her forcing her to squint to see Willow. When the other girl said nothing Cordelia continued. "When I got your letter, well, that was when I realized how wrong I had been, how misguided. I wish there was some way I could make you understand that the reason I left had nothing to do with how I felt about all of you. Especially Xander. I loved him then, and I'll always love him."

"You love him so much that you're barely divorced and already pregnant. What, did you give Xander a few months to forgive you and then moved on?" Willow stared out the window as she spoke, refusing to meet Cordelia's eyes. "How could you do this Cordelia? Xander was getting better. He was happy again, finally moving on and then you came back. And now you want him to watch you have a baby?"

"No." Cordelia choked out, her eyes filling with tears. "I didn't mean to do anything to Xander. I meant to make it better."

"Whose baby is it Cordelia?" Willow spoke coldly.

Cordelia stood silently for a moment, her thoughts spinning wildly, knowing the truth was out of the question. She stumbled over the words, trying to find the answer that would hurt Xander the least. "It's...it's Doug's, my ex-husbands. Call it the modern way to celebrate your divorce."

Willow turned to her then, her eyes shiny with tears. "Cordelia, please leave town. Don't do this to him."

Cordelia stepped back from the car, reality crashing down on her. Willow was right, she couldn't stay here, couldn't do it to Xander or to her child. "I'll leave before anyone can tell I'm pregnant Willow. I promise." She pushed the car door shut and walked away from the car with her head high and tears streaming down her cheeks.

Letting herself into her apartment, she dropped the keys onto the floor and sunk down beside them, sobbing brokenly for the father her baby would never know. Holding her stomach she apologized to the new life growing there for the mistakes she had made.

*******

Xander was sitting in the library when Willow walked in, her face pale and sad. He sat up a little straighter in his chair expecting her to tell him that there was yet another apocalypse headed their way. Instead she threw herself into a chair, sighing loudly. Xander sat back, sure now that whatever was upsetting her wasn't catastrophic. He smiled openly at her, "Where's my sunny Willow?"

Willow half-smiled at him, obviously struggling to put her dark thoughts aside. "How are you Xander?"

Xander looked at her worried face and realized that it was because of him. "I'm good Will. Better than good. No drinking if that's what you're asking. I'm working on a new book, this one's about this crazy vampire who crashes parent-teacher night. Sound familiar?"

Willow grinned at him. "Our old buddy Spike. That should be a good one. Can't wait to read your take on the night."

"What?" Xander grinned back at her, his face innocent, "You mean how our fearless hero set himself up as an offering to Spike and was nearly killed, but managed to outsmart him?"

Willow laughed, "I thought Angel set that up, and saved you. And isn't Buffy the heroine?"

Xander laughed with her, remembering that night and amazed that they could laugh about it. "It's funny isn't it Will? I mean we've faced death so many times and we can still laugh about it." He leaned back in his chair, remembering when fighting with Buffy had seemed like an adventure.

Willow sat quietly for a while, then clearing her throat and staring at the table she questioned him. "What about Cordelia? How are you doing on that front?"

Xander felt his stomach drop, but quickly recovered. "Better. If I could just stop having flashes of that dream..." His voice trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

Willow considered him carefully before speaking again. "It must have been some dream."

"I was drunk that night Will. After you told me she was back I got drunk." Xander stared at Willow, waiting for her to yell at him, or worse, pity him.

Willow smiled knowingly before replying, her voice soft. "But you haven't had a drink since that night."

Xander started to answer her, but realized it wasn't a question. He nodded quickly before speaking again. "I can't get it out of my head."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Willow queried.

Xander looked at his best friend, trying to decide how much he should share. He was silent for a minute before deciding he had to talk about it with someone before it drove him crazy. "I could feel her next to me, even smell her. She looked so sad and alone as she told me that she had never wanted to leave. Then I have this picture of my head in her lap and her stroking my hair. And then I can feel her lips on mine, and her body next to me." Xander stood abruptly, knocking his chair over. He started pacing around the library, the words falling out of him. "It seems so real Willow, even now. Like it's a memory and not a dream. I mean I was drunk that night, and probably hallucinating, but when I woke on the beach that morning I wasn't even wearing clothes." He turned to Willow, expecting to see pity on her face, but she just smiled softly at him. He walked over to the chair, pulling it upright and sitting down again. "That's why I decided drinking is no longer for me. I wasdrinking to escape the memories, not make new ones."

Willow nodded her head, then she pushed her chair back and stood up. Walking over to him she wrapped her arms around him and held him close. "I'm sorry Xander. I wish that it had turned out all right for you and Cordy, that she had been who we thought she was. But I think that you need to move on. Forget the dream." She pulled away from him and walked slowly back to her chair, her eyes still showing her worry.

"I am moving on Will. I've even got a date for the Charity Auction. Proud of me?" Xander smiled at her as he spoke, his voice teasing.

"For the Charity Auction? Won't Cordelia be there?" Willow spoke quickly, her voice rising as she looked at him.

"Isn't that a plus? I mean, she seems to think she can come back and say she's sorry about everything. I just want to show her that I'm fine without her." Xander's voice was defensive as he watched Willow carefully.

The red-head looked undecided for a moment before nodding her head. "I guess it's for the best. Now I really have to get some work done. I was delayed this morning."

Xander took his cue and stood up. "Okay, got the hint. I'm leaving."

He turned to look at her when he got to the door. She was just sitting there, her head in her hands, looking like the weight of the world had just dropped onto her shoulders. He stared at her for another moment, suddenly sure that all of the worry on her face wasn't directed at him, but before he could decide whether or not to try and talk to her about it she got up from the table and walked slowly to the stacks.



CONTINUE