I Love You Today

by Amy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy shifted uneasily under his gaze. She knew she should tell Riley about
Angel... She *knew* she should say something, but somehow just couldn't bring
herself to open her mouth and speak his name. For some reason, it was still
too fresh, still too painful, and her relationship with Riley-- whom she
couldn't deny she was falling rapidly in love with-- was still too new.

He'd asked her about all of this before.

In the midst of the Faith/Adam crises, she'd had the perfect opportunity to
tell him. She could have told him who Angel was, and what part Faith played
in hurting their relationship, and how it could never be. And she could have
told him why.

But there was a small, irrational, insecure part of her brain that told her
how he would react. A Slayer in love with a Vampire? Giving your heart and
blood for one of the things you hate, to something that represents everything
you live to kill? The circumstances to their falling in love might have no
bearing to Riley. He might just look at her as though...

Well, that was what she was afraid of.

But he knew something was wrong; very wrong. And now she was going to have
to tell him.

"Just go, Riley," she finally whispered miserably.

"What?!" He stared down at her. "You want me to leave you alone with
this... What are you doing? What are you thinking? *What* is going on?!"

"Just *go*!" she demanded forcefully, willing the tears not to fall from her
eyes.

Riley looked at her a moment longer and then stalked off, leaving her alone.

Though not entirely.

* * * * * * * * *

~Three days earlier~

"Buffy, I need to tell you something..." Giles took off his glasses and
looked at her seriously. Buffy smiled nervously, sensing something wasn't
right, and sank into the couch, primed and ready for his revelation.

"I thought for a moment about keeping it from you, but, after last time..."
He trailed off, and cleared his throat. "He left it up to my judgment. I
believe you have the right to know."

"Giles, what's happening?" she smiled, trying to not worry. "Telling me
slower isn't going to make it easier, right?"

He smiled briefly at her. "I suppose not. I got a phone call today, from--"

The color bled out of Buffy's face. "Angel. He's coming to town."

Giles looked surprised, then he nodded. "Yes. Was I right in telling you?
I realize that you're just embarking on a new relationship, and that it may
be a little difficult for you to see... Angel... right now. But Cordelia has
had a vision, and you were in it."

"What was the vision?"

"You, fighting with a man... and the man had a stake raised against you. He
stabbed you with it." Giles paused, taking off his glasses. "Of course,
under normal circumstances, I wouldn't think anything of it, as you tend to
handle yourself well while fighting. But, Cordelia *did* have a vision,
which leads me to believe that..."

"Something's wrong," Buffy finished for him. "Of course. Nothing ever goes
right for Buffy for any length of time."

"Buffy," Giles said gently, touching her hand.

She shrugged off his fingers. "No, it's fine. I've handled stuff like this
before; stuff that's worse than this, even. But..." Her voice dropped to a
whimper. "Riley..."

"I understand, Buffy. Would you like me to give Angel a message?"

Buffy sat up straight and lifted her shoulders. "No. No, I've got it.
Just... Tell him to call me when he gets into town, all right? If he doesn't
have my number, give it to him?"

"I'm sure he has--"

"I know." Buffy raised her hand, then slowly curled her fingers into a fist,
as if she could hide his words away. "But just in case he doesn't have it."

"I understand."

Buffy felt the silence fall between her Watcher and herself and she sat
quietly, knowing that hell was coming again, knowing that this might be the
last peaceful moment she got.

* * * * * * * *

"Riley, I need to tell you something," Buffy said softly, nudging him on the
shoulder. Riley rolled over, automatically wrapping his arms around her, and
snuggled in, his breath coming slow and steady. Buffy sighed. "Riley,
please, wake up. I need to tell you something."

Her boyfriend's eyes slowly fluttered open, and Buffy found herself looking
into that beautiful, open, blue gaze. He grinned sleepily at her. "
'Morning."

Buffy felt her heart soften. She had to tell him... at least, something. "I
need to talk to you about something," she repeated for the third time.

Riley nodded against her neck, scattering small kisses over her shoulders.
"What's that?"

"No, really," she insisted, weakly pushing at his shoulders, "I've been
putting this off for over a day." Riley leaned up and gave her a long,
delicious kiss on the mouth, cutting off her next words. Buffy gave herself
up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, holding him closer.

~Angel.~ she thought dreamily, and broke off the kiss with a regretful moan.
"Riley!"

"What?" He looked alarmed. "Is it an 'end of the world' type of thing?"

"N- Not really. Maybe a little. I don't know," Buffy muttered, sitting up
and pulling a sheet around her. She looked down at Riley, who was looking at
her seriously, his head propped up against his hand. She rolled her eyes.
"Could you not look so innocent and cute while I do this?"

He laughed, and sat up as well, slinging an arm around her. "Look, whatever
it is, we'll deal with it. It can't be worse than anything we've... or at
least *you've*... faced so far, right?"

"Maybe. It's just... I just..." Buffy took a deep breath. "For a while,
you've asked me what I wasn't telling you. You knew that there was
something. Something big. There is. And I need to tell you now."

"Okay," he said patiently, stroking her arm, "I'm listening."

"There's a bunch of stuff you don't know about me. Things that I've left out
while telling you about my past... The biggest of which is... Angel." Buffy
exhaled.

"Angel?"

"He-- he was my boyfriend. We had a sort of tortured romance," Buffy
confessed, wanting to get the words out to clear her head and conscience.
"He was really special to me, was my first..." Her voice broke. "My first
love. And he's coming into town for a few days."

"All right," Riley said slowly. He smiled, his eyes shining. "Is that it?"

"Well... You know I love you, right?" She blinked back the tears gathering
behind her eyelids.

"I know," he whispered.

"Then..."

Riley caught her mouth in a deep kiss, and Buffy stopped talking, pawing at
his face lightly. ~Maybe I don't need to tell him,~ she thought. ~Maybe he
doesn't really need to know.~

And then, all the words in her mind were swept away.

* * * * * * *

The night was so quiet that everything made noise. Her footsteps, her
breath, her heartbeat. She silently stalked the dark with a stake in her
hand, ready for anything.

A twig snapped behind her, and Buffy whirled around.

Well, almost anything.

Angel smiled sheepishly. "Hi."

Buffy slowly lowered her hand and nodded to him. "Hi. Been following long?"

"A couple of minutes," he answered in a low voice. "I was trying to figure
out the best way to... approach you. I thought I wasn't going to see you
until tomorrow, but I saw you walking from across the street and I figured..."

"That you'd see me now," she finished for him.

"Yeah." A genuine smile slid across his face for a moment. "I didn't want
to make the mistake of not telling that I was here again."

Buffy stared at him, her eyes slowly trailing from his mouth to his eyes.
Her stomach clenched in a delicious pain, her breath coming quicker, her
heart beating faster. "Good call," she finally murmured. "'Cause if you had
done that to me again, I would have kicked your ass."

"And I would have had it coming." Angel spread his hands in a diplomatic
gesture. "Giles told you, then?"

"Yep," she confirmed lightly, pretending that she couldn't feel the
excitement buzzing through her veins at his nearness. "I, um, thought you
were going to call when you got in, though."

"I was. I just got in, maybe twenty minutes ago. Thought I'd take a quick
pass over the town before sunrise."

"Oh." She paused, then closed her eyes. "You know, it really shouldn't be
this awkward."

"It...?" Angel asked.

"This." Buffy waved her hands between the two of them. "Us. Being around
each other. I mean, we've been around each other a lot. We've even seen
each other nak..." A blush suddenly stained her face, and she cleared her
throat. "That's probably not the best example for less of the...
awkwardness."

Angel looked amused, then annoyed with himself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have snuck up on you. I should have just let you do the patrol and... I
guess I was hoping..."

"To see me?" She tried to keep the pleasure at that prospect out of her
voice. "Thanks. I guess."

They fell into silence looking at each other. Angel's eyes devoured Buffy,
wandering over the small scar on her neck to the muted pink polish she wore
on her nails to the curve of her cheek. Memories of the day that never
happened floated through his mind, memories of the kisses that were finally
allowed, the love that finally was safe. He stepped tentatively toward her
without realizing it.

She was so beautiful to him.

Buffy swallowed, seeing him watch her the way he had so many times in the
past. She saw that dark glint in his eye, and against her better judgment,
against everything she had told herself before he had stepped into her view,
she let herself be affected by it. A gentle wind ruffled her hair, and she
saw his gaze rest on her neck, pausing on the scar that only he could leave.

But it wasn't the only scar that he left on her. There were thousands of
them, hidden inside of her heart, her soul, her mind. Thousands of memories
that hurt when she looked at them too closely.

He was everything that she wanted desperately, and everything that she
couldn't have. She wandered closer to him, almost dazedly.

"You look..." Angel's voice was husky. "You look good. Haven't... you know,
seen you in a while."

"You too," she murmured, her eyes finding his and locking there. "You look
the same. ...And different."

"Different?" he asked, mildly curious.

Buffy's voice was hollow, sad. "You look not mine anymore."

Angel shook his head slowly, his gaze remaining on hers. "That's impossible.
You... You left a permanent imprint on me, Buffy. There's nothing about me
now that doesn't belong to you."

He was close, so close. Buffy trembled with anticipation, her voice dreamy.
"I look... Permanent... You left one on me, too."

Her hands crept up to his chest, then to his shoulders. His hands found her
waist. They stared at each other for a second that lasted lifetimes.

And then they kissed.

It was soft at first, the way most first kisses are, and then the familiarity
came back. Angel ravaged her mouth, his hands running up and down her back,
slipping through her hair. Buffy kissed him back with equal ardor, passion
throbbing under her skin. She sank her tongue into his mouth, her hands
holding him tightly to her, her breasts crushed against his chest. Angel
reciprocated, tasting her, licking her, wanting to touch every part of her
with his mouth. Their breath became ragged, their movements, frantic. As
though they couldn't let each other go. As though they had been apart for
more than a summer, more than a year or a hundred years in Hell. As though
eternity was in that single embrace.

"You... I'm on fire when I touch you, see you," he murmured roughly, kissing
the her neck and collarbone and jaw. "You give me a fever."

Buffy nodded, her words breathless. "Fever... Angel... Oh, Angel..." She
lifted his mouth back to hers and kissed him, again and again, losing herself
in him like she had so many times in the past.

And then a voice broke into their thoughts, slicing through their passion.
"Buffy! What the hell is going on here?!"

The Slayer and the vampire broke apart, his lips still burning, her heart
still beating too fast. Buffy spun around to see Riley there. There was one
stunned, confusing moment where she simply didn't recognize him, where her
consciousness was all but lost to her.

And then it flooded back.

"Oh my God." She looked from Riley to Angel, and then back to Riley again,
her heart torn. "You... Riley, it's not what it... Looks like," she finally
got out with difficulty.

"Oh no?" he challenged angrily, but there was hope hidden deep in his eyes.
"Then tell me what it is."

Buffy stepped away from Angel painfully, and stared at her boyfriend, regret
filling her expression. "This is... This is Angel. I'm sorry, Riley.
Things got out of control, and... I let them get there, and... I'm sorry."

"It wasn't her fault," Angel finally spoke up.

Buffy glared at him. "Stay out of this."

"So." Riley looked at the two of them, no longer touching, but still too
close for his comfort. "You told me about him to sort of... get the guilt of
this whole situation off your chest beforehand? That is, if you were telling
me the truth about him just arriving in Sunnydale?"

"I didn't know this was going to happen!" she denied, stricken. "I didn't
mean for it to. I just... I just... I don't know." Tears filled her eyes.

Riley looked at her for a moment longer. His mind whirled back to a time
when he looked at her that way, repentant and sorry, and she had forgiven him
for the indiscretion that he had unknowingly committed. When he spoke again,
his voice was soft. "Can you tell me that it won't happen again? Because I
can forgive one mistake, but I'm not prepared to live with a string of them."

She hesitated only a moment, not daring to look at Angel, who was staring at
the ground. "Yes. It won't."

Riley weighed the sincerity of her words, gazing deeply in her eyes. He
found truth there, and a pain like he had never known. He stepped forward,
grasping her arms. "Then come to my place after you're finished patrolling,"
he said, trusting her. "And we'll talk."

Grateful tears spilled down her cheeks, and she nodded. Riley gave her a
tight smile and nodded back. Then he turned around and in seconds was gone.

Buffy watched him disappear into the trees and sighed after him, an ache
welling in her chest. She wiped at her cheeks slowly, drying her tears off
with the back of her hands. "Angel," she murmured slowly, turning around to
face him, to explain.

But he wasn't there.

* * * * * * * *

Buffy heaved a sigh as she climbed the stairs to Riley's dorm room. Three
vamps dusted in the span of two hours, and she still had plenty of
frustration to go around. Unfortunately, they seemed to be the only vampires
willing to get near her that night, so she decided to pack it in and meet up
with Riley.

Though she wasn't exactly looking forward to the talk they were going to have.

She closed her eyes briefly as she approached his door and shook her head to
clear it of the arguments filtering through. She had no right to argue for
Angel's love, and no right to defend herself in what she had done. This was
between her and Riley, and the lies that she had told. She would hang her
head and explain it all to him and hope that he hadn't been lying when he
said that they could work it out. And if it was too much for him to deal
with, then she wouldn't pressure him into forgiving her, wouldn't force the
issues.

She reached his door and paused, seeing a note taped to the front of it.

"Buffy," she murmured aloud, reading, "Got beeped. Meet you at your
apartment later. Riley."

"Damn," she muttered, and turned away. She began stomping back down the
stairs. Just when she had prepared herself for the inevitable discussion, he
had to go fight monsters. She pulled out a stake, anger at something unknown
pulsing through her veins. "Fine. I can do that too."

Another sigh as she reentered the inky night. "Might take the edge off."

* * * * * * * *

Riley knocked on the door once, and then let himself in. Willow and Xander
looked up from the bed where they were playing Trivial Pursuit. Xander
smiled, a little too warmly. "Riley! My man! You're a pretty smart guy.
You could be on my team."

Riley sat down on Buffy's empty bed and cast them a lopsided smile, noticing
that Willow was winning by five pies to none. He nodded to Xander. "Why did
you let her talk you into playing that?"

Xander grumbled something under his breath and returned to the game. Willow
bit back a grin. "What are you doing here, Riley? I thought you and Buffy
would be at your place."

"We were supposed to." He spread his hands diplomatically. "Change of
plans. Got beeped, so I thought I'd meet her here." He paused. "She didn't
call or anything?"

"Nope," Xander said, his eyes still on the board. "Should she have?"

Worry filled Riley, worry over the mysterious man, and the kiss that he saw
only a moment of, but that looked too intense to have been a mistake, no
matter who Buffy was with. It had looked right, even to him, and that
really....

Pissed him off. He wondered for a moment if she was still with him, and
then pushed the thought away.

"Have you guys ever met Angel?" he asked casually.

Xander coughed, and Willow jumped, accidentally knocking over the box of
question cards. They spilled out onto the ground, but Willow didn't bend
over to retrieve them. She and Xander exchanged a look.

"Um, yes," Willow said slowly. "Why?"

"I met him tonight," Riley answered, his eyes following their nervous
movements. "How well would you say you know him?"

"Too damn well," Xander said with a grimace. Willow reached out and nudged
him painfully in the ribs, and he looked up at her. "Sorry."

"We've known him about as long as Buffy has," Willow said, trying to cover
Xander's rudeness. "So, you met him?"

Riley's voice was curt. "Yeah."

"And Buffy... Introduced you?" Willow tried to keep the surprise out of her
question.

"I guess you could say that," he muttered.

"And you're okay with all of this?" Xander interrupted, shocked. "I would
have thought you'd be all pissed over the whole Slayer-and-Vampire thing,
even if they did break up. I mean I was, and I was never even her
boyfriend." He gave a smug little smile. "Though everyone could tell she
wanted me to be. But the whole situation was wacky. I'm impressed with you,
man."

Willow rolled her eyes at him, and then looked at Riley in concern. The
color was bleeding from his face. "Are you okay?"

He stood, shook his head. "He's a vampire," he said quietly, as if to
confirm it in his mind. "She... And he's a vampire."

Xander's eyes widened in alarm. "You... ah... Didn't know that?"

Riley glared at him for a moment, and then stalked quickly out of the room.
Willow bit her lip, watching him go, and then turned back to Xander
accusingly. Her best friend looked up at her meekly. "How much is Buffy
going to kick my ass?" he wondered in a small voice.

Willow lifted her eyes to the ceiling, then looked back down. The situation
was almost laughable, in a sad, unfunny sort of way. "Oh, lots," she said
casually. She gestured to the game board. "Your turn."

* * * * * * * * *

His mind melted the pieces of information together, everything that had
puzzled him for so long suddenly made sense. Buffy's bite scar, the way she
was vague about her past love life, the way she let that hostile into Giles's
house without killing him. Riley's breath came quickly, his heart beating
faster than it ever had before, unless he was with Buffy.

She had lied to him.

Okay, maybe she didn't really lie, he conceded to himself. But she didn't
tell him, and that was almost the same. An omission of something that needs
to be said can be just as painful as an outright lie. Angel must have had
some sort of hold over her mind, he thought. It's the only way to explain
her behavior, the kiss. It's the only way to understand her having feelings
for him. It's the only way.

He fled out into the night, intent on killing the thing that could slowly
kill her.

* * * * * * * *

"Hey." Buffy tossed her bag on her bed and sat down next to Willow.
"What're you guys playing?"

"Poker," Willow answered, her face blank. "Xander insisted that I was
cheating at Trivial Pursuit."

Buffy nodded. "Um, did Riley show up?"

Willow and Xander looked at each other. Willow nodded firmly at him, her
mouth stretched in a tight line. Xander winced. "Yeah, he sort of did."

"Sort of?" Buffy asked, confused.

"He did," Xander clarified. "And then he left."

"Why?"

Xander looked away. Willow frowned at him. "Tell her. Now."

"But...."

"Tell her!" Willow insisted, her resolve face firmly intact. "You're not
getting out of this one, Xander."

"He asked if we knew him, and I sort of mentioned that he was a vampire,"
Xander blurted, not looking at Buffy.

Buffy stared at him a moment, puzzled, and then his words processed. Her
mouth gaped open. "You told him Angel was a vampire?! You *told* him?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy," Xander said quickly. "I didn't realize that he didn't
know. He was sort of asking questions about Angel, and I figured you had
told him. He said that they met."

Buffy shook her head, her anger slowly dissolving. Not Xander's fault, she
told herself. She should have been more honest with Riley. She should have,
but she hadn't been, so the blame belonged on her. She touched Xander's
shoulder. "It's okay," she said quietly. Then she paused. "He just left?"

"He seemed pretty angry," Willow piped up sympathetically. "And pretty
shocked. We figured he'd gone back to his room."

Buffy nodded, closing her eyes. Her voice was a whisper. "I think you
figured wrong."

* * * * * * * * *

They stood face to face. One breathing heavily, one remaining still. A
golden boy and a mysterious man. A vampire and a human. One of them with
anger leading him, the other only worry over hurting his opponent.

Both of them in love with the same girl.

"I'm going to kill you for what you did to her," Riley said, his voice
guttural.

Angel sighed. "Put down your stake and go home. Let Buffy explain things to
you. I was on patrol hunting demons. I have no intention of fighting you."

"Have Buffy *explain* it to me?" Riley shot back angrily. "You've got her
mind warped! You're a vampire, she's the Slayer! You've done something to
her! Whatever she says to me about you is going to be some evil version of
the truth, something that you cooked up to brainwash her."

"I don't really feel like killing you," Angel said patiently. "I don't do
that anymore. So unless you feel like being killed, and not by me, you'd
better get out of these woods. It's not safe for a human here."

Riley's mouth was tight, his throat aching painfully. He raised his stake.
"When you die, she'll be fine. I've killed vampires before."

Angel looked at him calmly. "Look..." He paused, trying to remember the
boy's name. "Riley. Things aren't as they seem. You might want to think
about this, and talk to Buffy..."

"Buffy's going to be..."

"You don't believe in her enough to know that she's strong enough to fight
off something like brainwashing?" Angel suddenly interrupted, yelling. "You
don't know her at all. You don't know anything about her. You don't deserve
her. No one does, but at least *I* tried, damnit!"

Riley charged the vampire, his stake aimed. Angel easily dodged, knocking
him aside. Riley landed hard on his back, and glared up at Angel with
undisguised hatred gleaming in his eyes. He groaned, and Angel considered
helping him up when the younger man reached into his jacket.

And pulled out a taser gun.

Riley aimed and fired, hitting Angel squarely in the chest. Angel was
knocked over with the force of the electricity, spinning in the air and
landing on his stomach. Riley stood up and brushed himself up, slowly
walking over to Angel and aiming the gun at his head. He fired again, and
watched numbly as the back of Angel's neck began to burn from the continued
electrical flame. The smell of burning skin suddenly filled his nostrils,
and Riley stumbled back, coughing.

The vampire was down. Now, only one thing left to do.

He raised the stake again and stared at Angel for a moment. His hand began a
downward arch.

A voice pierced the night. "Riley!"

Buffy ran, faster than she could ever remember. Riley didn't seem like he
could hear her. Her legs pumped furiously, her heart pounding. Her eyes
watered as the wind whipped her face. She reached the small clearing in the
woods, seeing her boyfriend slash downward with one of the only things that
could kill her....

Angel.

She bolted in between them, tumbling on top of the unconscious vampire, and
vaguely felt the stake pierce her shoulder. Her lungs stung, her vision was
blurred, her heart ached. The run had hurt her. The conflict between Angel
and Riley had hurt her. The wood slipped easily into her skin, and she could
barely feel it.

"Angel," she wept, smoothing back his hair. Angel's eyes fluttered, but
didn't open.

Buffy looked up at Riley, who seemed to be waking up from some sort of
trance. His eyes were fastened on her bloody wound, his face slack.
"Buffy," he whispered hoarsely. "Are you okay?"

Buffy glanced away from his gaze, uneasy with the intimacy with which she was
holding Angel. Angel remained still and silent, however, so she continued to
hold onto him as if for dear life. Her hands stroked his face tenderly.

Finally she answered her boyfriend quietly, sadly. "Just go, Riley."

"What?!" He was upset, confused, furious, and worried for her. "You want me
to leave you alone with this... What are you doing? What are you thinking?
*What* is going on?!"

The tears brimmed on her lashes, and she prayed they wouldn't fall. "Just
*go*!" she repeated, her voice rising.

Riley looked at her for a moment longer. Buffy could feel his eyes on her
body, concerned and angry, not knowing whether to tend to her wound or to his
own heart. She knew that he couldn't fathom what Angel meant to her, and she
also knew that it was her fault that he couldn't fathom it. Finally he
exhaled loudly and stalked off into the night, leaving her there.

Buffy looked down at Angel's face, her fingers pawing at his cheeks lightly,
her hand carefully examining the injury on the back of his neck. He flinched
in her arms, and she was overwhelmed with love for him, and hate for herself.


Who was she supposed to be loyal to? Who was she supposed to care more
about, give more of herself to, love most? Who was she supposed to spend the
most time with, to want to the most, to smile the most with, to weep the most
over?

She didn't know.

An inappropriate laugh bubbled up in her, and Buffy was startled when it
echoed through the woods. She shook her head in disbelief.

It was turning out to be a hell of a weekend.

* * * * * *

"Angel," she whispered again, the sound almost being lost as the wind swept
it away. But he heard her.

He would always hear her.

"Buffy?" he murmured weakly, finally opening his eyes.

She let out a sob of relief, touching his eyelids, his cheeks, her hand
slipping back around to the burn on his neck. She leaned close; so close
that their eyelashes grazed each other's. "Are you okay?"

"You're bleeding," he answered, struggling to get up.

Until that moment, until his words, the pain didn't register. Suddenly it
slammed into her shoulder ferociously. She cringed, trying to shrug off the
feeling. "Yeah. I'll be fine, though. Are you okay?" she repeated.

"I think... What *was* that thing?" There was annoyance in his voice, and
Buffy smiled.

"A... It's a long story. Come on." She slowly helped him get up, and let
him lean against her as they began walking through the woods, knowing that
the sun would rise very soon. Her shoulder throbbed. So did her heart.
"I'll take you... home?"

"The mansion," he clarified, knowing exactly what she was asking him. She
sighed and her breath settled against his shirt, warming it. "It's not that
far."

"Barely a block," she acknowledged.

"Buffy?"

She paused. Likewise, she knew what he was going to say to her, knew it
intuitively, from somewhere deep inside of her, the way only two of the
closest souls can identify with each other. Buffy reached up and touched his
mouth. "Shush. We'll talk about it later."

* * * * * * * * *

She laid him in bed, and in moments he was silent and still. Buffy watched
him for a moment, surprised at her surprise over his lack of breathing. It's
not as though she hadn't seen him sleep before, she reminded herself. But,
being without him for so long... Sometimes the small things drifted away.

Even though the small things could be twice as important as the rest.

After she had bandaged them both up, Buffy lit a fire in the fireplace and
then walked back over to him where he rested. She sat down next to him on
the mattress. Her voice was quiet and pain-filled, but resigned. Her hand
held his. "I love you, Angel. I'm not going to ever stop. I loved you when
I first met you... God, you annoyed me." The ghost of a smile slipped over
her face and then vanished. "I loved you then, and I loved you when we first
kissed, and when we made love. I loved you when you were gone from me, and
when the demon that stole your face was torturing my friends. I dreamed
about you every night, woke up every morning with a tear-soaked pillow. I
loved you every time Angelus and I fought."

She stopped for a moment, her tears spilling off of her lashes. "I loved
your strength and beauty. I loved you for your passion and your soul and
your sorrow and the way you smiled, even though that was rare. I loved you
for how much you loved me, for the way you kissed, for the way you could make
*me* smile... For the way you danced, and the way you held me in your arms.
And I loved you when I killed you, Angel. I never felt a love like that,
before or since. I loved you when you came back to me, when we shared the
dreams, when the snow saved your life. I loved you when you pretended to be
Angelus, when you kissed Faith. ...I loved you when you drank from me. I
loved you when you left me. I loved you while you were gone, every second,
and when I saw you for five minutes in LA, I loved you even more than I
thought was possible because I hadn't seen you in so long."

The tears streaked down her cheeks, falling off her chin and landing on their
hands, woven together. Buffy cried silently for a minute, searching her mind
for the right thing to say, to tell him.

Her voice was soft. "I loved you when I saw you last night, when you kissed
me, for the way we can't seem to control ourselves when we get around each
other. And... And I love you today, Angel."

"I'm always going to love you," she said haltingly. "Because now you're part
of me. Maybe if we had stopped it after that first kiss, or before, or if we
had never met, or never had made love or fought or touched or looked at each
other... Maybe then I wouldn't love you forever, like I know I'm going to
now. But all of those things happened. I see you almost every time I close
my eyes. You're the biggest part of me, the part I love best about myself.
...But I have to make this choice."

His hand tightened around hers, but his eyes didn't open. Still, Buffy knew
that he was awake and listening, and that he knew that if he looked at her,
everything she was about to say would be lost. "Yes," he whispered, telling
her with that single word to continue.

"You left so that I could make it," she nodded. "You left so that I could be
happy. And as happy as I am with you, Angel... As happy as you make me just
by being here when I need you, just by everything I've said to you just now,
it can't be. But I *can* be with Riley. And I do..." Her chin trembled and
she closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to look at Angel's face as she
said the next words. "I do love him."

Finally Angel's eyes opened, and he looked at her with eyes full of pain and
acceptance, love and torture, eyes full of everything he felt for her, baring
it all, holding nothing back. His mouth opened silently, and he worded out,
"I love you," with no voice. She whimpered softly as he lifted himself up,
pulling her close in his arms. Buffy hugged him back, as tightly as she
could, not wanting to let go for anyone, not even Riley.

But she knew she had to let go for herself.

And for Angel.

Angel's hand held the back of her head, cradling it, as he felt her hot tears
land on his shoulder. She sniffled against him, her hands feeling the tight,
tense muscles under his back, knowing how much that single embrace was
costing him. At length he pulled back, and looked her deeply in the eyes
again. He leaned forward, kissing her softly on the mouth.

The kiss was full of meaning, and sweet and far too short, but it was the
only way to kiss someone who....

Who you were saying goodbye to for the final time.

Buffy wouldn't see him again, and he wouldn't see her.

The kiss ended, and Buffy slowly stood up, their hands linked. She began to
move away, looking anywhere but at Angel, and their hands slowly slipped from
each other's grasp until only their fingertips were touching.

And then she was gone.

* * * * * * * *

"Riley." Buffy stepped into his room and closed the door softly behind her.
Riley looked up at her from his place on the small couch, not surprised, and
then looked away, his mouth tight, his eyes angry. Buffy switched on a lamp,
lighting up the room. He had been sitting in the dark, alone.

Maybe I shouldn't have waited until night to come and talk to him, she
thought briefly. It doesn't look like he's cooled down.

"Buffy," he greeted in a hard voice.

"Riley, there's a lot you don't understand," she started quietly, sinking
into a chair across from him.

"Then explain it to me!" he burst out. "That's all I ever wanted you to do;
I just wanted you to tell me what was going on, to share things with me.
I've compromised myself so many times with the Initiative-- for you-- that
it's surprising that I haven't been fired. Or something worse. I did it
because you were important to me." He looked down at his hands bitterly. "I
guess I'm not as important to you."

"Riley," she repeated gently. "It's not that. It's just... It hurts me when
I talk about him. There are so many things that I can't even tell you,
because I can't tell myself."

He finally looked her in the eyes, his expression pleading. "Then tell me
what you can."

Buffy nodded with a sigh, and leaned back in the chair wearily. After a
moment, she began. "Angel was made a vampire a long time ago. He's about
two hundred and forty-five years old. He was like all of them, for over a
hundred years, and then he fed on the wrong girl. A gypsy. As penance, the
clan cursed him with a soul."

Riley looked at her in confusion, and she elaborated, telling him what Angel
had told her years ago. "When a human becomes a vampire, the demon gets your
body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone somewhere. You don't feel
remorse or compassion or anything but... There's just evil inside of you. So
when he got his soul back, he felt about two lifetimes of guilt hanging over
his head."

"And you bought this?" Riley asked incredulously.

"I didn't have a reason not to," Buffy said honestly. "And a lot of reasons
to believe."

"Like what?"

"Well, he saved my life... so many times. And we fell in love," she said
simply, surprised that the words came out so easily. "And then, on the night
of my seventeenth birthday... On the night of my seventeenth birthday..."
Buffy trailed off, blinking away the tears that were gathering in her eyes.

His voice a bit more gentle, noting the break in her words. "On the night of
your seventeenth birthday...?" he prompted.

"We made love." She swallowed hard. "And... It was taken away from him."

"What?"

"His soul," she confessed softly, feeling the pain of the experience, as
though it were still happening to her. "The gypsies had put in a clause,
that if he ever achieved perfect happiness, if there was ever a single moment
in which he forgot and didn't feel guilty for everything he had done, he
would lose his soul. And he became Angelus again."

Riley raised his head slowly, shock and regret filling his expression.
"Buffy..."

She shook her head. "I fought him. For months, I fought him. But I still
loved him, you see, so I wasn't strong enough to... kill him. And then he
killed one of my friends, someone that had been really close to us...
Especially to Giles. Her name was Jenny Calendar. He killed her, and *then*
I was strong enough. There was a demon a while after that. Acathla. Angel
was trying to raise him. He would suck the world into Hell. And I was told
that the only way to stop the world from going up in flames was to kill
Angel. I was told that killing him would send them both back to Hell. And
we fought." She gave a sad, broken laugh, brushing away a few stray tears.
"Big old sword fight ensued. But what I didn't know was that Willow...
Willow was doing the spell to re-curse him." Her voice was a whisper. "And
it worked."

Riley's eyebrows drew together. "It worked," he echoed, confused for the
moment at her tears.

"But the porthole was already opened," Buffy said softly. "And I had to kill
him anyway. I had to kill Angel, the vampire that I loved, to save the
world. So we kissed, and I told him that I loved him, and then I stabbed
him. And I left." She nodded. "Life pretty much sucked for a long time
after that. I ran away, didn't tell anyone what had happened... I was alone
for a long time. But I came back... And so did Angel."

"From Hell?"

"We don't really know how it happened," Buffy said, answering the bewildered
tone in his voice. "But it did. For a while, we tried to stay away from
each other... Sort of. I mean, he was healing and I was helping him, but
other than that, I was getting on with my life. Or trying to. But it didn't
work for long. And we sort of fell deeper than ever. There are a lot of
things that I could tell you about what happened last year. The snow, the
dreams Angel and I shared, the three or four times we broke up. That's one
of the reasons that I was so vague about the things that Faith had done. She
had tried to make him lose his soul again, tried to take him away from..."
She shrugged. "From the good guys, I guess. From me."

"So that's why you hate Faith," Riley stated.

"I don't hate her," Buffy disagreed. "I hurt for her. And I'm angry with
her. And I'll kill her if I have to. But I don't hate her."

"Why not...?"

"Because I can't. Because we're two sides of the same coin, the only two
girls in the world capable of what we can do." Buffy shook her head. "But
this isn't about Faith. Riley, last year, Angel told me he was leaving.
After the ascension; you remember what I told you about that?"

He nodded.

"Well, Faith wanted the ascension to go smoothly, so she tried to take me out
of the running. By hurting Angel. She hit him with a poisoned dart, and
thought she had won. But there was a cure." Buffy swallowed again. "The
blood of a Slayer. So I tracked her, and ended up putting her in a coma...
But she got away from me before I could bring her to Angel, so...."

"So you fed him," Riley stated, already knowing the answer.

"Yes. Rather than let him die, I fed him from myself. He drank from me and,
Riley, I still don't regret it. I would probably do it over again if I had
to." She exhaled. "After he was healed, and after I was healed... And after
the ascension... He left. For LA. He runs a detective agency now. And I
said goodbye to him this morning."

"You said goodbye?"

"I love him, and I always will, for a million reasons. But I love you too.
And that's not changing, even with how deeply I feel about Angel," Buffy
said, looking away from her boyfriend. "It wasn't that you weren't important
enough for me to tell you all these things... It was that you were so
important that I didn't want to lose you once I told."

"Buffy," Riley said hoarsely. She looked up at him, her eyes shimmering.
"You're not going to lose me."

A strangled sob burst out of her throat, and Buffy launched herself into his
arms. They fell back on the bed together. "Thank you," she whispered
fervently, shaking her head against his chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured, kissing her hair and cheek and neck. "And I
couldn't leave you, even if I wanted to. But I don't. That's what love is,
isn't it?"

A smile broke over her face. "I think that's obsession," she laughed.

Riley smiled. "That too." He kissed her mouth hotly, his hands holding her
close. Buffy giggled against him, opening her mouth under his, as pliant as
a rag doll in his arms. Maybe the bad is gone for good, she thought. Just
like that.

"It is," Riley murmured against her mouth, and Buffy realized that she had
been talking out loud. "Just like that. Because we love each other."

Buffy nodded, and kissed him again, warm and laughing and happy in his
embrace. Something tickled the back of her mind, and her heart froze for a
moment, reaching out. It quickly melted, finding nothing but love and
acceptance and warmth towards her, and Buffy reached out and switched the
light back off, content in her boyfriend's room and life and heart.

And Angel looked up at the room, saw the light go off, and sighed, feeling
Buffy's heart search for his and find it, feeling her goodbye. He would
always love her too. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

So he let her go.

And as he walked into the night, a content feeling settled in his stomach,
contentment for Buffy, and for himself. It was a hard sacrifice, but they
made it for each other. He smiled.

That's what love was all about.

The End


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