Summary: Cordelia after Lover's Walk.
Spoilers: Lover's Walk
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they
were. <sigh > They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB I have to live
with borrowing them for my stories.
Rating: You watch the show, this is fine.
by: Amy
*****
He sat down tentatively in the chair next to my bed, placing a bouquet of beautiful flowers on the little table. When I heard his voice, my heart shuddered in pain and grief. Too much pain... I didn't think it would feel like this. I *never* thought *anything* would feel like this. His voice, the voice I loved and hated, spoke with reverence and sorrow filling his tone.
I turned my head, not wanting to look at him, but needing to, for my own sanity; for my own peace of mind. I said his name. "Xander?"
Sorrow and remorse dripped from his words. "Yeah?" I saw a slight hope flicker in his eyes and I looked at his face. A slight hope for what? What was he hoping for?
I kept my voice steady, and said what I had to say in even, measured tones. "Stay. Away. From me." His eyes immediately dropped to his hands, hands that I had learned to love the feel of in mine, and managed a nod before getting up and leaving the room. He left the stunning bouquet in front of me, for me to look at. I would cry holding them in my arms, later. I wanted to be holding him. My injury hurt. My heart hurt more.
******
I know the exact moment when I fell in love with him. Really, really in love. Most people would say that that's a hard thing to pin down, that it's everything tied together, but it wasn't for me. For the longest time, it *was* just lust between us. Oh, sure, I had felt some sparks before that, and had seen him in sort of a different light, but that's not love. I fell in love with him the second I broke up with him.
His face, in that second, wore the most stunned and horrified expression I had ever seen, and I couldn't understand why I was doing it for a moment. I was still holding that sliver necklace he had given me-- Really, the best Valentines gift I had ever received, because I knew that he had taken time to think about what I would like... What would mean the most. And it did. His eyes filled with tears that he tried to mask, but I saw them. It broke my heart. He has done it again... Only this time, with betrayal.
I remember everything. I know that almost everyone in the group thinks I'm flaky, thinks that I don't feel much of anything. Thinks that I shouldn't even be a part of things. It hurts me so much to know that. I've always been good at hiding anything that hurt me, though. But I remember it all.
The first time Xander and I kissed, I was beyond shock. I swear that I could hear a loud, cheesy crescendo going off in my ears. I always wondered if I had imagined that. But it was so right, and good, and my knees had never felt that weak. His hair was soft under my palms and his hands sweetly rough on my cheeks. I couldn't get enough of that kiss. Or the one after, or the one after that. He was my addiction. And then I fell in love with him.
I had always sworn that I wouldn't fall in love. I wanted men to love me-- I certainly made it possible-- But I knew from looking at my parents what a broken love could do to a person, so I promised I'd never let go like that. It shocked me. He shocked me, in being everything I had wanted. He was good looking and we looked like the best couple ever. He was funny, and nice, and he cared about people. He cared about me. We fought a lot, but I still think that that was mostly because we were both confused about why we cared so much. I got used to ruling his heart. He sure ruled mine.
I thought about him all the time. I would think about him during classes, I would think about him at home. Eating dinner, in the shower, in my dreams. He was everywhere. Xander plagued my mind in the best way possible. In the worst, I know now. He was in my fantasies, the secret ones you don't share with anyone.
He was in my diary. His name filled the pages. "Xander said something to me today that I'll never forget... Xander kissed me on the eyelids last night. It was the most romantic thing, ever... I'm in love with Xander Harris. " I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I looked in the mirror the other day as I was leaving the bathroom. I stopped and stared as I caught my reflection. Then I started laughing. I had been smiling, a huge, happy smile that lit up my entire face. I wondered for a moment at why I had been smiling so broadly, as no one was around, and then I realized who I had been thinking about. Xander. I had been remembering the pier trip.
It had been a hot day, as summers in Southern California were. We all went, just for the day. It was to forget our worries, about Buffy, about vampires, about things that normal teenagers shouldn't have to think about. It was two days before I left for my family vacation, and Xander had wanted to show me a good time.
He was silly, and for the first time, I allowed myself to be really silly with him. We laughed at everything, from the waiters to the tourist signs, we giggled hysterically. Oz and Willow were there, just adding to our happiness. Xander told me that I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen that day. I guess I might have been, but not for the usual work I do on my features. Mostly because... Well, because I was young, and happy, and in love. When the day was coming to an end, we took all took pictures together, trying to salvage some of our lost innocence. We grinned at the cameras and I sat on Xander's lap. His arms were around my waist, hugging me tightly, and I had never felt safer.
When I got the pictures back, I just kept them on my night table for days, so I could look at them before I went to sleep. So that I could remember the look on Xander's face that day, so carefree and content. I made him content. That thought made me content. For the longest time, in my secret thoughts, I didn't think I deserved someone as wonderful as Xander until that day. Then, suddenly, my thinking changed. It changed because I saw that I made him content. I felt so lighthearted, knowing that I was actually doing something for him for a change.
I put them up on my locker, thinking that he might finally know... Thinking that maybe he would say it first. I wanted him to see how much I loved him. I wanted everyone to see. I was ready, finally, for everything in my relationship with Xander.
*******
The phone rang, and startled me out of my memories. I picked it up, wearily, hoping that it wasn't him. Hoping that it was. It wasn't. It was Giles.
"Hello, Cordelia?" He sounded concerned, and I knew right away that it wasn't just my injury. He had somehow heard about... everything.
"Yeah?" My voice scared me. It sounded hollow and empty. My throat was dry, so I picked up the glass of water nest to me and took a sip as I waited for Giles to talk.
"I wanted to give you my wishes for your speedy recovery. And... And I wanted to also tell you that..." He trailed off, probably thinking that he shouldn't even bother. Probably thinking that I wasn't worth the effort. It hurt me, but I kept my mouth shut. I could be as cold as they were.
"That everything will be okay. I- I heard that something rather terrible went on, and I know that this is a hard time for you, but I wanted to give my sympathies and tell you that I was concerned, dear." It was the 'dear' that got me. Giles called me dear. I started crying. Tears streaked down my face and I sobbed into the telephone.
"Th-Thank you, Giles. That means a lot to me..." I sniffled softly, trying to get my massive breakdown under control.
Oh, good Lord, Cordelia, are you all right?" He sounded genuinely worried about me, and that set off another round of tears.
"Yes... Or I will be. Giles, I n-n-never thought any of you cared that much about me." My tears were coming in waves and I couldn't seem to stop them. I cried for my near death, I cried for my lost love, and I cried for the relief I felt at being worried about. Strange how knowing that people care can do that to you.
"Why, of course we care!" He sounded shocked and bewildered. "Buffy was biting her nails in worry until she found out you would be fine. Xander and Willow are guilt ridden, and I know that it might hurt you to hear this right now, but they are truly in pain for what they caused you and Oz." He sounded shocked that he had taken the liberty of saying that to me and I finally smiled, just a little.
"Is Xander there?" The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Yes."
I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't want to see him. I didn't. I didn't love him. I wouldn't ever let him hurt me like that again. "Will you ask him to come back for me?"
Giles drew in his breath. "Are you sure?"
No. "Yes. Please."
"All right, Cordelia. Why don't you rest, and I'll send him on his way." I gave my affirmation and we quickly disconnected.
I just wanted to see him so that I could make him suffer, I told myself. I was lying, and I knew it. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to have him hold me in his arms and I wanted to hear him say that he loved me. I wanted to hear that, though I knew I never would. I reached over to pick up the flowers and held them to my chest and face, letting them muffle my sobs.
******
Xander made it there in record time. He ran into the room and for a moment I just stared at him, my tears blurring my vision. He slowed to a walk and crept cautiously over to my side. His eyes were glassy, also.
He sat down, and I said nothing, I just continued to stare at him. He looked at me, I'm sure wondering what to say or do. I grasped his hand and looked at it, tracing patterns in the back with my thumb. I loved his hands. I needed them in mine.
He broke. Tears slipped out of his eyes and though I knew he hated crying, he didn't let go of my hand to wipe them away. He simply looked at me, with tears coursing down his cheeks. I realized that I must have looked much the same way. With his free hand, he reached up to wipe away tears. Not his, but mine. I sighed a little and leaned against his hand, crying harder.
"Oh, Cordy, I'm so sorry." He tried to continue his apologies but I shook my head. He fell silent and I let go of his hand to look at him.
"Xander, not right now, okay? I know that you're sorry, but I don't want to think about that right now. Let me be hurt, okay? Let me be angry and let me still... Let me still..." I didn't know how to say it. Let me still love you. The thoughts were easy enough to get out, even though they hurt.
He tenderly reached out his hand and stroked my hair. Then he leaned over and kissed my tears, which were still running down my face. He kissed the trails of them, upward, until he reached my eyes. He kissed my eyelids, softly and sweetly.
When he pulled back, I opened my eyes widely and stared at him. He still had the power to move me. I loved him. As much as I didn't want to, I loved this man.
He sounded choked up when he finally broke my awe filled silence. His eyes again dropped to his hands and he whispered. "I love you, Cordy."
I let out a half laugh, half sob. He looked up, a new kind of hope shining in his eyes, mirroring my tear streaked face. "I love you, Cordelia. I'm sorry... I love you."
"I love you, too, Xander." He grinned broadly in relief and I smiled back, a little more gently. His smile softened and I put my fingers to his lips. He looked like he was about to speak. "Don't say anything right now. I just want to think about those words for a little while before I let go of them and be sad again." His eyes got somber. "Xander, it's okay. I will get past it. You will get past it. Willow and Oz will get past it. But don't expect it to not hurt, okay? Just think about my words, and I'll think about yours. That's all." He nodded slowly, accepting whatever it was that I was telling him. I wasn't even sure at that point.
He looked at me, with that look in his eyes, and I nodded. He smiled again, happier, but sadder, too. I felt everything. He leaned over and kissed me.
I felt his mouth against mine and I started weeping again. He melded his lips to my own and soon my tears weren't of sadness, but the sweet things my heart was feeling. The new, confessed love that is born when you admit it out loud.
There would be a lot to deal with in the future, I knew.
There was time.
The End
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