Summary: A Cordelia-leaving-Sunnydale fic.
Spoilers: Nothing really specific, but I'll say everything just because.
:)
Disclaimer: MINE! MINE!!! These characters are all MINE!!! HAHAHA. Well,
okay, they're not, but I like to pretend sometimes.
Rating: You watch the show, this is fine.
by: Amy
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"My dad has been transferred." Everyone stopped to look at me. I stared at them with a slight smile on my face. "Which means, you won't be able to drag me into your little undead party group anymore." Their faces remained expressionless.
"Well?" I demanded.
After a minute, Buffy sat up straight in her chair and smiled a little. "Well, I'm glad for you, Cordy. Where are you going?" I was surprised. She sounded *sincere.* Even though, honestly, I would have been a little happier if they were more disappointed.
"Los Angeles," I told her, ignoring everyone else. If they didn't care, I didn't. If they *did* care, I didn't, I told myself. Buffy grinned and something passed between us from the first time we met, shoes and friendship. I knew then that Buffy hadn't been the cause of any of my problems. All she had done was save my life a few dozen times. I pushed aside the feelings of shame that were gathering in me for being so malicious to her.
I lifted my eyes from her face to Giles, who was cleaning his glasses. "Ah... When are you leaving?"
"Tomorrow." The word seemed to echo and Xander sat bolt upright. I glared at him and he looked at me sadly before glancing back down at his hands.
"Tomorrow?" he repeated dully. I gave a curt nod.
"Yeah. Not like you would miss me, though," I shot. "What with your little floozy here to comfort you." Willow shifted in her chair and I swallowed, again feeling ashamed of myself. I didn't have to, I told myself. They deserved it. I knew they deserved it.
"I will miss you," Xander whispered so softly that at first I thought I had imagined it. I blinked back stinging tears that suddenly burned behind my eyelids. What the hell was I thinking?
Buffy looked at us nervously and stood, walking over to me. She pulled me into a brief hug and then released me. "Call me if you need any help or just want to talk. You have my number." She nodded at Willow who came over to us and glanced into my eyes for a second.
Willow looked down, sad at what she saw there. For a split second I wondered how I learned to be so unforgiving. "I'm sorry, Cordy." My throat ached with tears again and I bobbed my head automatically. Was I forgiving her? Was that what that was?
She smiled tremulously at me and then hurried out with Buffy. Why were they leaving? Some sort of hazy knowledge passed through my mind, but I couldn't grasp it. Giles approached me before I could examine why.
Holding out his hand, he took mine and shook it warmly, a symbol of our sterile friendship. I smiled at his Britishness and pulled him into a hug. After a second he loosened, hugging me back. "Please, Cordelia, call if there is ever anything we can do for you."
"Okay." He left the library. I was shocked at myself. Saying goodbye so tenderly to these people wasn't what I came here to do, right? I came to let them know that they wouldn't be ruining my life anymore. So why was I sniffing back tears?
I turned, realizing that I was alone with him.
Xander looked at me, still rooted to his chair. I almost smiled at his clothes. I sure had gotten him to dress better. My mind wandered to that day in the quad where he had just gazed at me without saying a word. Like he knew what I was thinking. Like he knew that despite my biting tone, I still cried over him occasionally. Like he knew that I still loved him....
Maybe he did.
Slowly he stood and walked over to me. I willed my feet to move, willed my eyes to glare at him, willed my heart to stop pounding so loudly in my ears, but it didn't work. I stood still, waiting to see what he would do.
He saw me not moving, not running away and he took my hand gently. "You know, Cordy," he murmured, "I never told you, but I always thought you brought out the best in me." I made myself shrug, though all I wanted to do was be held by him. The touch of his hand was so familiar and warm that it sent me into a spiral of memories that I shared with only him.
"At least your fashion sense," I muttered halfheartedly. I suddenly didn't *want* to hurt him. He had betrayed me in the worst way possible and all I wanted was to let him know that I would always love him....
And then he smiled.
It was the secret smile that we had shared on numerous occasions. One that said a hundred different things. Serious things we had told each other when we were alone, jokes he had made me laugh at when I was sad about something, times when we were kissing or silent or talking or doing nothing. I felt the memories flood me and I let go of my tears.
I sobbed as he gathered me into his arms tightly. I didn't want him to let me go. He pulled away slightly and tenderly kissed the tears that streaked down my cheeks, kissed every one like he was afraid that if he missed something, I would cry forever. Maybe I would. I held on to the fabric of his shirt, gripping it under my nails. "I'm so sorry, Cordy." He murmured in my ear.
"I hate you," I gasped through my tears. "I hate that I can't stop thinking about you, and I hate you because I still love you, and I hate that it's getting harder to hate. I love you, Xander."
His eyes were bright and he leaned forward. The moments seemed to pass so slowly, but his lips were finally on mine. For the first time in such a long time. For the last time in maybe forever. I tasted our tears, mingling together. I tasted love and forgiveness and regret in them. Through everything he had done to my heart, I had loved him. Through every word I had spoken to him since, he had loved me.
Finally we pulled away, dazed by the intensity of that kiss, of what we had shared. His eyes leveled on mine.
"I love you too, Cordelia."
Nodding, I gripped his hand and kissed him again, softer this time. "Let me walk you home?" he asked.
"Please."
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I think about that day often now. I've been in LA for three months, and Xander and I talk by phone, but it's not the same. I left part of my heart back there with him, and took part of his. Which I guess equals a whole one, but at times I feel very lonely.
But then I remember him, everything about him that I love so much, and the loneliness eases. I wait by the phone every night for his call, or he does the same for mine, and it gets a little easier.
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.
The End
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