Summary: Xander's leaving for the summer and everyone in the group is taking
it harder than expected.
Spoilers: Through GD2.
Disclaimer: Joss. The song at the end is by the Motels.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yeah! YEAH! ...Sorry. Heehee, got a little carried away. Yes,
please.

Summer Air

by: Amy

* * * * * *


~Willow~

It was the air that did it, I think. The hot, sticky air that had been
lingering over the town for a week. It has a strange effect on people. And,
of course, the life-threatening situation. I still shiver pleasantly,
thinking about that night. One second I was me, and the next, I was not only
me, but him as well. Thinking about it over and over, I still don't
comprehend how close we've become.

It's not like I deserve this happiness, in the midst of the Hellmouth.
Though I must admit that there are some areas in my life that aren't so
happy. Like the one thing that always was before.

I mean, Oz makes me feel so many good things about myself. I'm in love with
him. It's nice to say, and I try to say it as many times as possible, but no
matter how long I love Oz, I'll always love Xander just as much. Maybe not
in the way that I always did before, but love him in a way that's a little
more refined, possibly a little more cautious, and definitely a lot more
mature.

Xander was my everything for so long. It was just him and me, against the
world of neglectful parents and abusive ones. It was right after summer when
we first kissed, too. The air had began to cool, but there was a sway of
heat that remained. Like I said, the air does funny things to you.

Xander has been acting strange lately. I don't know what to do about it.
He's getting ready to leave in two weeks, head off for the Great Unknown, and
he still looks at me like I'm a stranger who stopped him on the street for
the time. Horrible as it sounds, sometimes I wish for the days when we were
sneaking around, just so that I could have *some* measure of closeness with
him again. Even if it was wrong.

No, I don't really wish that. But I wish that I did.

He's leaving, and it's effecting everyone, everything. Maybe it sounds
selfish, but especially me. It's mostly my heart that he'll be taking with
him. It's the sad remnants of my friendship, the friendship that I offered
him for fifteen years, and that he always took without question.

Until now.
* * * * * *

~Buffy~

I've already lost enough. Too much. How much can a person be expected to
give up before her heart finally breaks so much that it can't be taped back
together? It's almost like the whole reason for my life was to lose. Which
is weird, considering my body was built to win.

But not my heart.

I went to Angel's mansion yesterday, and just stood there. Remembering,
cataloguing things in my mind. Good, bad, warmth, sadness, love, hate. It's
hard to say goodbye to love. I've gotten good practice, but for some reason,
it still hurts. The whole concept of never seeing someone you love again...
It's just hard. You have to box up your feelings, make a nice little
package, maybe add a pretty bow and pretend you're okay with the way your
life has turned out. But I'm not. Not by a long shot.

While I was there, I even lit a fire, ignoring the heat. I sat down in front
of it, staring for over an hour into the orange warmth, and the cracks of it
sounded like laughing. Taunting. Joking that I couldn't hold onto
*anything* that was important to me.

Angel's gone. I can't help that. I can't do anything about the fact that I
didn't get to say goodbye. Cordelia's gone with him, which scares me, though
I don't have the right to feel that fear. It's unfair to Angel and to me and
to what we had, and even to Cordelia as my friend. But I know from
experience that people who work closely together can end up with more than
they bargained for.

Willow is with Oz all the time. I don't want to begrudge them happiness, I
really don't; It seems fitting that of all of us, they're the ones who are
happy, but I feel left out, so completely alone. And Xander's leaving too.

Giles is all I have left, I plan to hang onto him dearly.

I just hope that I can.
* * * * * *

~Giles~

Little did she know that I was with her in that mansion. While I went to
celebrate, even to do so subconsciously, she went to mourn, to think about
all she's lost. She thinks I don't know, that I can't understand. I *do*
know. I *do* understand. I understand that while she's accomplished more
than any other Slayer in history, she has also had to make more sacrifices.
She's been the only Slayer to love a vampire. She's been the only Slayer to
defeat so many things.

Sometimes I forget that she's still a child.

She has a child's heart and soul, a love of all things innocent and
beautiful, but her child's eyes are fouled every night by the constant death
heaped upon her deceptively frail shoulders.

So I watched her light a fire in the blazing heat, and watched her stare
forward, into space and nothing. And I couldn't comfort her, because I
didn't even know if I deserved to comfort her. I had come there to rejoice.
In doing so, I was disrespecting all she was, all that meant anything to her.

This isn't to say that I haven't had my share of loss. I shall miss Xander,
too. He's been like the son I never had, the son I always wanted. When he
confided in me, I felt pride, when he did something tactless, he endured my
tongue-lashing. I've been pleased to have him in my life. It's just that I
see what she has to endure. I see that Willow and Oz don't have time for her
now that they've discovered their bodies, and I see that her only other
friend is leaving. I can easily imagine her slipping into the role that all
the other Slayer's had, duty and more duty, piled on top of itself.

I don't want that for her.

But I wonder if I can stop it.
* * * * * *

~Oz~

I could say that I was glad he was leaving, but that'd be a lie, oddly
enough. And I could say that I wanted him to stay, but that wouldn't be true
either. He's going to be gone for a long, long time, and all I can remember
is that time in the library when we were together, and I called her "my
Will." Maybe I did it on purpose, I'm not sure.

But then the strangest thing happened.

He agreed with me.

That wasn't something I expected. Maybe a grunt or an empty denial that said
she belonged to only him, or something else equally idiotic. But he agreed
with me, telling me in a single sentence that he understood, that he forgave,
that he apologized.

I'm not an angry guy by nature. I'm somehow too relaxed for that, it's not
anything that someone could give *me* credit for. It's just the way things
are. Like Xander's friendship with my girlfriend. They've always known each
other. It's how things were meant to be, how they've always been. So after
Willow and I got back together, I tolerated him.

Until that moment.

And now he's leaving.

I'd be lying if I took a side for it.
* * * * * *

~Cordelia~

I don't know if I'm going to see him again. And the worst part is that now I
know that I want to. I hate missing him, but can't help it. The urge to
call him, to hear his voice again, is almost overwhelming, and I have to
battle it every minute. He has such a soothing voice when he wants to.

I spent so much of my energy hating him after we broke up. It was either
hate him or cry so much that all I could do was cry more, so I chose to hate
him. It seemed easier. Now I wonder if it really was.

I've been living in LA for a while now. Nothing is different, and everything
has changed, which I think is just my state of mind. I feel bad now for
treating Xander like I did. I feel like, no matter how much he hurt me, I
took my hurt way too far to make sure he felt some of it back. It wasn't on
purpose, but that's not really an excuse.

Or maybe it is, I don't know.

I had always felt outside of things when I watched Willow and Xander
together. Knowing each other's feelings so intimately, I would wonder if I
would ever know Xander that well, and if he even wanted me to. It might have
been sort of inevitable, though it couldn't have come at a worse time, that
kiss. Those kisses. Whatever.

It still hurts to think about it.

But, just maybe, they needed to kiss. Just to find out, to really know, what
was there. To know if they would ever be able to move out of the will-they,
won't-they category. I guess they did. Willow's with Oz now, and she's
happy. And Xander....

He's alone. I wish he was with me.

I wonder if he'll come back.
* * * * * *

~Angel~

Nothing's the same as it was. That could be a good thing, but I don't feel
it. I don't feel any good in this situation.

This is what I don't miss about being human and young. Perhaps the only
thing. When you're immortal, you have a chance to watch those around you,
understand people as you understand the tides moving in and out by the pull
of the moon. People are like tides. They grow apart from each other. They
grow closer to others. And all the while, things look different but they're
really not.

This is.

I've never liked Xander, that's always been apparent. But I always enjoyed
the way he made Buffy laugh. I enjoyed anything that made her smile, that
cleaned the ghosts from her eyes for even a moment. Sometimes, I got that
privilege. Sometimes, it was him. And I would envy that, but not really.

Really, I just sat back and watched her have the fun she should be allowed.
It was odd how Xander gave her that. Odd how friendships and loves and
alliances are formed. When I first met Xander, I felt his lust for her,
could smell it. He wanted her in a way similar to how I did. Wanted her
skin and hair and lips wrapped around him.

And then the tide moved out, and those feelings might have been present, but
they were dormant. My love for Buffy grew, the lust remained, and things
fell apart. She's all I want, all I could ever want.

And it breaks my heart to feel her heart breaking.

But I do. From the miles that separate us, I do. This connection that we've
formed gives me that. Her heart is breaking with the loss of not only me,
but her best friends. As much as I like Willow, I won't deny that it bothers
me that she isn't paying attention to what's going on in Buffy's mind. But
she has that right, I suppose. The right to be happy that I gave up. And
now Xander.

And now, all I can do is hope for the best from afar.

Much as he may disbelieve me, I do hope that for Xander. I really do.
* * * * * *

~Xander~

I packed last night. It was so simple to do, to pack up my life that way. I
was sort of numb while I did it, pictures of Willow and I in the park in this
box, Sunnydale High yearbook, notes Buffy had written to me in class, papers
Giles had helped me get a better grade on, my burnt diploma. Nice. Neat.
Tidy. Gone.

I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been putting off packing for the trip for the
past two weeks, putting off facing the fact that I was going. Oh, I knew
that I was, I just didn't want to admit it.

I went to the playground that I used to go to when I was little yesterday. I
just sat on the merry-go-round, thinking of the days when things were simple
like that, thinking of the picnics that the Scooby Gang had taken there, the
fun that we had. Things were easier as a kid.

Well, in some ways.

But now it's like boom, I'm eighteen and have to make all these decisions for
myself. So I made one. And I'm leaving. God knows what possessed me to
pick leaving off an entire page of choices. I could be skydiving right now.

It's so hard and so easy at the same time. Weird how things sometimes are
like that. Like how I feel about Cordelia, or Willow and Buffy for that
matter. Things are complicated when you grow up. I'll probably forget that
when I'm forty and my kids are going through some of the same troubles, but
for now I know and that's enough.

I miss only worrying about whether or not I could go swimming at Jesse's
house, or if Willow's and my fort would stand up. For that matter, I miss
the first days of being a Slayerette, the excitement and danger that was new
and enticing. I miss the way Buffy giggles when I tell a joke, the way she
ruffles my hair like I'm a kid. I miss the way Willow sighs, and the little
wink she gives me when one of us has made a private joke, a joke that only
the two of us would understand.

I miss the way Cordelia kisses, hot and wanting and tender, and they way she
yells at me when she doesn't like my shoes. I miss the way Giles clucks his
tongue when he's annoyed, and the long, boring lectures that he gives, and
the way he sometimes rests his hand on my shoulder like he's proud of me.

I even miss Oz, the way he manages never to show any expression on his face.
Strange thing to miss, I know.

And funny, I'm not even gone yet.
* * * * * *

"So... Uh..." Xander shifted his last suitcase from hand to hand, looking at
the others piled in the car.

Buffy bit her lip. "That pretty much sums it up, I guess," she joked weakly.

Willow held Oz's hand tighter and then let go of it, reaching forward to hug
Xander. She held him close for a moment, silently, and then whispered in his
ear. "You're coming back, right? You still owe me a Barbie."

He laughed sadly against her neck and nodded. "You got it." She pulled back
and looked at him for a moment, and he smiled when she winked.

Buffy bounced on the balls of her feet for a moment before slipping into his
arms. "I'm really gonna miss you, Xand. Come back?"

He smoothed her hair back fondly. "I haven't left yet." She giggled and her
hand slipped through his hair, ruffling it. He grinned and nodded. "But
yes."

Oz stared at him, and Xander wondered what the other boy was thinking as he
stuck out his hand. Oz looked at his hand for a moment and then smoothly
took it, shaking it firmly, a smile warming his features. Xander feigned
shock. "Was that a smile?"

"I don't know," Oz deadpanned, "I've never really felt one before."

Then Oz moved away and Giles was standing before him. Giles looked at him
seriously, shoving his glasses up the bridge of his nose. After a long
moment, he smiled and held out his hand as well. Xander took it, pleased.
"We will be needing you in the fall, Xander."

Xander nodded. "You guys always need me," he grinned.

Giles stifled a laugh in his typical way and placed his hand on Xander's
shoulder for a moment, letting the heat of his palm seep through Xander's
shirt. Xander gulped, his throat tight with repressed emotion, and nodded
again.

Looking around, he finally shrugged and started for the car before a loud
squealing made him turn around. A car was zooming right toward him, and he
laughed.

Cordelia.

The car stopped three feet away from the group and Cordelia jumped out and
ran to Xander, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "I'm sorry I'm late,"
she said breathlessly. "You know how traffic can be." She shot a look to
Buffy. "Angel wanted to come, but... you know... day." Buffy lifted her
chin with a sad smile.

"Cordelia," Xander said, amazed, "I didn't even know you were coming."

She shrugged in his arms. "I didn't know I was either."

He placed a soft kiss on her mouth and looked down into her wide brown eyes,
eyes that spoke silently of her forgiveness of him and of her love as well.
"Well, I'm glad you did."

"Anyone would be," she said lightly with a grin. "Xander?"

"Yeah?" he asked roughly.

"I'll be expecting you to drop by LA in your travels." Her eyes flew down to
his feet. "And in another pair of shoes."

"Cordelia," he laughed, "Please don't ever change."

She hugged him again. "Why would I want to?"

With that, they let go of each other and Xander got in his car. With a final
wave out the window, he drove off, not allowing himself to look back for fear
he might turn around.

But something made the group stare after him, until he was long gone.

The summer air made you do strange things.

The End
* * * * * *

It happened one summer, it happened one time
It happened forever, for a short time
A place for a moment, an end to dream
Forever I loved you, forever it seemed

One summer never ends, one summer never began
It keeps me standing still, it takes all my will
And then suddenly last summer

Sometimes I never leave, but sometimes I would
Sometimes I stay too long, sometimes I would
Sometimes it frightens me, sometimes it would
Sometimes I'm all alone and wish that I could

One summer never ends, one summer never begins
It keeps me standing still, it takes all my will
And then suddenly last summer
And then suddenly last summer

One summer never ends, one summer never begins
It keeps me standing still, it takes all my will
And then suddenly last summer
And then suddenly last summer

Until suddenly last summer
And then suddenly last summer
Until suddenly last summer...

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