Summary: W/X!! Muhahaha!! Amy has gone on a rampage. Xander comes back
from his little "road trip" a few years in the future, and works things out
with Willow.
Spoilers: Mild through GD2.
Disclaimer: They're mine! MINE ALL MINE!!! Okay, I'm a big liar. They're
Joss's. The song at the end is by Naked Eyes.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: I'd love a slice!
For Serendipity

I walked through the dark streets, shuffling my feet slightly against the
pavement. Outside the place she used to live, I looked up calmly at a lit
window where I could see her parents sitting down to dinner in the dining
room and I sighed, overcome with a memory of childhood when Willow and I used
to sit at that table and kick each other underneath it. Then another memory
invaded my mind and there I was, eighteen, playing footsies with her in study
hall.

I sat down on the curb across the street from her house and placed my face in
my palms, exhaling loudly. I had been watching her house for over a year
now, every night, knowing that one day she would come home and see her
family, now that almost all our friends had died. And maybe, just maybe, she
would forgive me for leaving all those years ago, maybe her eyes would light
up like they used to as she saw my face and she would touch my hair a little
uncertainly, like she still does in my dreams.

I'm so filled with memories of her. I'm sure now that she's not the same
person as when she was when I left eight years ago, but if there's even a
spark of what we felt for each other for a few, precious, secret months then
I'll be content. I'll be more than content, I'll be happy.

I haven't been happy very often lately. I miss her too much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I traveled all over the country. I had slept in places fit for a king, and
in places not fit for any humans at all. All because I was trying to find
myself.

So many things changed before I left.

I started looking at my best friend with new eyes, but with a sense that had
been there ever since our first meeting. When I started lying to myself, I
got good at it... But then it was impossible to lie anymore, because of that
one, simple, explosive kiss.

It was everything I had wanted to avoid, because it was everything I wanted
so badly.

I kept in frequent touch with Willow and Giles and Buffy through the years,
until Buffy died and I didn't attend the funeral. After that, my shame made
my letters to Willow grow briefer and more sparse. Finally I stopped writing
to her completely, because I could hear the sadness in her words as well as
if she had been speaking in my ear, and it hurt me so badly. Giles and I
continued to write, and it was three years later when I found out about his
death through a contact in Sunnydale, because he hadn't written me in over a
month. I missed his funeral, too.

When you're young, like I was, you don't realize how much you're going to
miss your youth when it's gone. I miss Buffy's shining blue eyes, and the
way she blew her hair off of her forehead. I miss Giles looking at me with a
stifled smile when I cracked a joke, and the smell of books that always
surrounded him. I miss Cordelia's spicy perfume, and the way that she always
had something to say back to me, how she always said what was on her mind. I
miss Oz, how well he treated the woman that I love. In some ways, I even
miss Angel, because he had a strange way of representing all of those nights
as we Slayed and researched and talked in this town.

But mostly, of course, I miss Willow.

I miss her with an aching loneliness that resides in the pit of my stomach as
soon as I wake up and get out of bed. I miss her nervous laugh and the way
she rambles on nervously when she's embarrassed. I miss the way she blushes,
and the scent of her hair, the soft feel of her warm hands in mine as
children. I miss talking to her about everything, anything, just so that I
could talk to her. I miss the way she used to lower her lashes sleepily,
fighting to stay awake after researching all night, and I miss the sound of
her fingers flying over the keys on the computer, that rapid clicking that
used to fill my ears.

Sometimes I still hear it in my head, and I glance over my shoulder as if I'm
still in high school and am about to rest my eyes on a petite redhead who is
biting her lip in concentration, whose eyes are glittering with rapture. But
she's never there, and I look away as soon as I realize it, because it hurts
too much to want her like I do and not be able to have her.

I'm almost twenty-six years old, and I've behaved just like my dad always
said I would. I lost the girl, lost the life, and lost all the friends that
I had when I was young. How I do so love fatherly advice.

I tried calling her parents a few months ago, to ask for her address. Her
mother picked up the phone and I panicked, slamming the phone back in its
cradle. Why would Willow want to hear from me? All I ever did was give her
pain and sadness, and she deserves so much more that that. So much more.
She deserves more than me.

But in everything I see, she's there-- Every memory I have, she's a part of.
Walking in the old park holding her hand, forcing her to kiss me when we were
little, crying when we were thirteen and she bandaged one of my skinned knees
before kissing it better. Any small woman with red hair, I stare at until I
realize it's not her, any girl with green eyes and a pretty smile, I have to
study. Anytime I see a computer, even if it's in a store, I look around to
find her.

Anytime someone touches me warmly, I feel her hand on my arm. The
disappointment is overwhelming when I look up and find out that it's not her
arm, that it's not her touch.

But, one day, I'm going to feel that touch again. Even if it's for the last
time, even if she's telling me that she never wants to see me or hear from me
again because of the way I treated her, I'll feel her hand on my arm and hear
her soft voice once more. I know it. I know her.

At least, I hope I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The light went out and I recognized that I had been sitting there for hours,
just thinking about my life as it used to be, and how I wanted it to be
again. With a sigh, I lifted myself up and stared at the house for a moment
longer. The light went on in the upstairs and I looked at the drawn curtains
for a full minute before I realized that it was Willow's room that was lit
up. After hesitating a second, I crossed the street and started up the tree
that was so familiar to me. It was the tree that Willow and Jesse and I had
our first clubhouse in, the tree that Willow used to climb out of and run to
my house when she was upset, the tree that I would run to and climb up when I
needed her. The very same tree. Only older and stronger and more firmly
planted.

My feet pushed me up and steadied me as I braced myself against it and then
started crawling on the limb that would reach her balcony. Rolling my eyes,
I wondered for a minute if her parents could just be having guests and then I
managed a shrug without falling out. If they were, then I was really going
to be surprising someone. The light went out ahead of me as I tumbled onto
her balcony and took a minute to straighten my rumpled clothes and pull
little sticks and leaves out of my hair.

As I reached the door, a smile lifted my face-- I could smell her, that
Willowy scent that wafted over the air just slightly. I didn't know how I
missed her when I was watching, but I knew she was there now. Taking my
chances, I turned the knob and was more than pleased to find it unlocked,
even as I silently berated Willow for being so careless in this town. I
opened it quietly and stepped inside, stopping cold with what I saw there.

Willow was two feet in front of me. Waiting.

She raised her eyebrows and my breath caught. "I knew that was you!" she
exclaimed smugly, her eyes darkening with something I didn't understand.

I shifted my feet awkwardly. "Uh... Hey, Will."

Her eyebrows arched farther. "That's all?" she asked in disbelief.

I offered a weak smile. "I missed you."

Her stare softened slightly and she stepped forward hesitantly. "Are you...
Are you here to stay, Xander?"

"If you want me to," I replied honestly, holding nothing back in my eyes,
offering myself to her in a way that I was sure I would never get the chance
to.

Her eyes filled with tears. "That's all I've ever wanted, Xander."

I looked at her face and realized that she *was* the same person I knew and
have always known. Her face was smoother and she'd lost the remaining baby
fat in her cheeks, and her eyes seemed to be a lot sadder than they've ever
been before. Her hair was falling passed her shoulders in waves, as if she's
just taken it out from being braided, and the nightgown she was wearing was
clinging to her soft curves and my pulse began to race.

She stepped closer, almost uncertainly and I took her hand gently in my own,
marveling at how different it felt, and how the same. Her fingers laced
through mine and I tugged her even closer, folding my arms around her warm
body. She curled herself around me and I rested my chin on her head,
inhaling her sweet, warm smell. Her fingers found their way up and she clung
to my shirt in an almost desperate fashion.

"Did you think about me?" she asked tearfully.

I tilted my head and placed my cheek against her hair. "Every second. I
couldn't stop, not in the years that I was gone. You know that, right?"

"Yes," she murmured, "But it felt wonderful to hear."

I pulled my head away from hers and tilted her chin up so that our eyes were
locked. "Listen to me," I said firmly, "I know that I've done a lot of wrong
to you, Willow, and I can probably never make up for any of it. But you have
to know that I love you. In everything I ever thought or did or saw, you
were there. You're in all of my memories of the past few years, because you
somehow followed me silently." I stroked her cheek and she trembled.

"I forgive you, Xander," she whispered. "It's enough that you're finally
back. *You* know how much *I* love you, don't you?"

I smiled. "Well, I was hoping before, but now I do."

Her eyelids lowered and she tilted her chin up further, inviting what I was
wishing for at that moment, because she knew my heart as well as I knew hers.
Obligingly, I lowered my head to hers, catching her lips in a kiss.

I started it slowly, giving her every opportunity to pull away if she saw
fit, but then pulled her tighter to me when her mouth opened under mine. Her
tongue flicked mine and her fingers wound themselves through my hair,
scratching my scalp lightly with her fingernails. I groaned and half lifted
her into the air so that her bare feet were dangling as my hands ran down her
frame and then settled on the small of her back firmly. She wriggled against
me hotly, and I felt my body respond, and I grinned into the kiss.

She pulled back, flushed, her eyes twinkling. "Isn't it about time we kissed
the way it should be done?"

I was confused. "I thought we did it pretty well the last few times."

Willow laughed lightly. "No... I mean... Without the guilt, without the
lies, without..."

"The unrequited love?" I suggested.

She nodded vehemently and led me over to her bed, where we laid down
together, still tangled around one another. She pulled me down over her and
kissed me again, longer, as firmly as I kissed her back, determined to not
let her get away.

And then I realized that I had finally found what I had been looking for all
those years.

Because when I found her, I found myself.

The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me,
and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be.
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
Always something there to remind me.
As shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night.
And I can't help recalling how it how it felt to kiss and hold you tight

Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
Always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.

If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share.
Just go back to the places where we used to go, and I'll be there
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
Always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free
You'll always be a part of me.
'cause there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.~~

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