Summary: Xander's pov in WAH.
Spoilers: Wild At Heart.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. It's his cruel way of making sure
that I cry.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yummy.
by: Amy
* * * * * *
I had to remind myself that I had a girlfriend. When that didn't work,
because she's not really my girlfriend-- and used to be a demon anyway--
I
had to keep telling myself that I had no claim on Willow. I haven't for a
long time, if ever. But there she was, acting like she needed my help, so
I
did what I could.
It flashed through my mind, really quickly, to tell her what I thought would
make me happiest. Hearing Willow talk about sex in the first person is sort
of disorienting, not to mention disturbing on the highest level. I thought
about that for a second, wondering if I could really pull it off; wondering
if anything that I said would make her leave Oz and want to be with me.
I guess it's obvious that I'm not really over her.
I don't think it's possible to be over Willow. Not really.
But, she has these eyes. They're big and green, and they make you think of
little kids running up to the ice cream man when she turns them on you. They
even have little flecks of gold, a little bit of sun, dusting them. So it's
hard to lie to her, or say things that you know she doesn't need to hear,
to
say things that would be against what was best for her.
So, I didn't lie. She lowered herself from the side of my fold out bed onto
my mattress, and looked at me like I had every single answer in the world.
I
mean, it's not like I don't claim that anyway, but I never really thought
she'd take me seriously.
I told her to talk to Oz. I sighed and didn't meet those eyes of hers, and
told her what she needed to hear. Because, with Willow, I can't pretend
anymore. I've done that for far too long, and am still doing that in certain
ways, to be good at it when she really needs me. And she smiled, kind of
softly in that way she has, that makes my insides melt, and got up, kissing
me on the mouth quickly.
It was a friend kiss: fast, sweet, grateful. But my stomach still bottomed
out. She's so special, I thought dazedly as she hopped up my steps. And she
doesn't even know it. Everything she does is special.
She's not special like Buffy, like the Chosen One. Buffy's strong and
powerful and can save the world in a single second. In fact, she's done that
quite a few times. And she's beautiful, with huge blue eyes that show
everything she's feeling, even when she's trying to pretend she's feeling
something else.
And she's not special like Cordelia, who is also strong and... fiery. I
loved being with Cordelia. As much as we fought, I loved every single second
with her. I loved besting her in our fights, and I got a kick out of it when
she topped my puns with a killer of her own. She's beautiful too. When she
feels something, she tries to act like it's nothing so she won't get her
heart broken. I guess that's happened too many times. I even did it once,
as ashamed as I am to admit it.
Willow's not special like Anya, either. Anya's sort of innocent, in
everything that she does, even though she's lived for more years than I can
count. But it's cool to be with Anya, when she isn't demanding some sort
of
commitment-- and by that I mean getting engaged or getting married or
something-- from me. She's smart and interesting, and she always surprises
me.
No, Willow's special like Willow. Good. Pure. With loyalty as sharp as...
well, something really, really sharp. She's talented and so smart that I
sometimes feel small when I'm around her; but she somehow makes me like that
feeling. She makes me like who I am, even though I know that there isn't
really a lot of me to like. But Willow manages to see past everything that
everyone else sees, and she finds something that makes me feel as special
as
she really is.
It's her being Willow.
And that's better than anything, or anyone, that I could think of.
So I gave her some advice that I hoped was good enough to give her, and felt
the kiss that made me sit up straight and made my soul do this sort of
throbbing thing, and I watched her go.
It's funny. I've been getting that hollow feeling when she leaves the room
for over a year now. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it.
* * * * * *
The next person I heard from was Buffy, and it was three days later. I don't
know why it didn't pass through my mind to wonder why Willow hadn't called
me
or visited, or why I hadn't seen her or Oz at the Bronze. But then, I
usually don't think about the things that end up mattering until it's too
late.
I was a little hurt that Willow, that no one, had told me what had happened.
But it wasn't really my place, or my right... So I just grabbed my coat when
I heard and took the bus down to the college to see Willow.
No one answered when I knocked on the door, but Buffy had told me to expect
that. I let myself in, and was more than a little disturbed at what I saw.
Willow was all curled up in this little ball under her covers. The top half
of her face was peeking out, and even though her eyes were closed, I could
tell that they were red and puffy with crying. She'd been crying for two
days and no one thought to tell me? She was my best friend, dammit!
Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked at me tearfully.
"He left," she whispered, her words shaking and hollow.
I nodded, not really knowing what to say. I walked over to her slowly and
sat down on the edge of her bed, laying my hand on her shoulder. "I heard,"
I finally whispered back.
Suddenly, being the cool bartender who got to comfort people when they were
down didn't seem so appealing and fun anymore. Not when Willow looked like
this.
She nodded. "Buffy called you, right? ...I thought that maybe if I didn't
tell anyone who didn't already know, he would come back and everything would
be normal."
I swallowed convulsively. Willow, when she was upset, was always almost too
much for me to handle. Did that make me a bad friend, or too good of a
friend? I sighed, rubbing her shoulder again. "Do you think he'll be coming
back soon?"
"I want him to."
As much as I hated seeing her like that, there was an evil little part in
me
that was sort of digging the sadness of Oz leaving. Maybe if he weren't
around, Willow and I could be what we should be. Maybe if he stayed gone,
she would finally come to understand that he wasn't the only one who could
love-- really love-- her.
And then she reached for me.
The hug threw me off at first, but then I regained my balance and hugged
her
back. As I slid my arms around her waist-- she had lost weight, I noticed--
she started crying.
I've seen Willow cry before. Having been friends with her for so long, I've
seen every single emotion she's ever had. Or so I thought. But when she
started crying, something inside of me pulled itself apart and unraveled
really quickly. Now wasn't the time to be hoping for a relationship with
her. I knew suddenly that there might never be a time to do that. Right now
I was there to comfort her, and to be there for her, and to let her cry.
Because that's what best friends do.
Her cheek was pressed against my stomach in that awkward embrace, and I could
feel her tears soak through my shirt as they ran down her face. This was
different. All of it was different. This was a kind of hurt that I hadn't
really experienced.
Something that hurt so deep that she could barely even talk.
"I loved him," she sobbed. I brushed her hair back from her face, and waited
as she continued. "I love him. I love him and he just left me, Xander.
There was nothing else. E-even Buffy... She was good, she was my friend,
but
he was gone and there wasn't anything anymore."
She sucked in her breath and started to go on, but I leaned down until my
mouth was brushing her ear. I didn't think about my words-- I couldn't think
about them-- but instead I just talked, told her the truth.
"He still loves you, Will. No matter what, I'm sure, he'll always love you,"
I said softly. "You can tell by the way you guys look at each other. I've
never had anyone look at me that way, and I've..." ~Only looked at you that
way.~ "Never loved someone like he loves you. He'll come back. And it'll
be rough, and hard, but you'll get through it. You guys can get through
anything."
Her sobs slowly lessened, and then stopped altogether, until the only sound
was her broken breathing. Her arms still clung to me, almost desperately,
but she finally eased her grip too, and pulled away.
She struggled to sit up, and I noticed that her face was more pale than I
had
ever seen it, and that her hair was dirty, and that her eyes were still red.
And she still managed to be the prettiest girl in the world. I touched her
chin; made her meet my eyes.
A smile flickered to her lips. "Do you think so?"
I looked at her for a long moment, wanting to deny it... Wanting to do the
entirely selfish thing and keep her for myself. But I nodded. "I think so,"
I confirmed.
She scooted towards me, to hug me in a more comfortable way. I hugged her
back tightly, my lips pressed against her shoulder, and felt my heart sort
of
melt as she let her tears slip onto my neck and as her hand stroked the back
of my head. "Thank you, Xander," she whispered.
Then she pulled back again, and even though my arms were empty of her, my
heart wasn't. She smiled.
"You know," she started, looking down, "I didn't want anyone to know... I
didn't think it would do any good. So I asked Buffy not to mention anything.
But... You were the exception. I guess she knew that before I did. You
were the only one I wanted to talk to."
I swallowed again, trying not to cry, but I didn't fool her. She touched
my
cheek. "So thank you."
I shook my head. "Thank *you*," I corrected. "I needed that."
For a third time, I was pulled into her arms. I felt her smile against the
side of my face, and had to work to hear what she said. But the strain on
my
ears was worth it.
She breathed, in my ear, and I felt the soft breeze of her breath on my skin
and trembled, still holding her.
"So did I."
The End