Summary: Willow thinks about her life a year ago, and how it's changed
since.
Spoilers: Everything through Amends.
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they
were. <sigh> They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB I have to live with
borrowing them for my stories.
Rating: You watch the show, this is fine.
by: Amy
The day had been perfect. Just Buffy and us, her first Slayerettes. It's one of my favorite memories, that day.
Sometime last year, when things were still good for all of us, and nothing was more complicated than math exams and killing the undead, Xander suggested an outing to a traveling carnival that was in town for the week. Unanimously, Buffy and I accepted, looking for anything to do on a Saturday that was going to be more fun than watching Indian television.
We all got up early, meeting at Xander's house, and all of us willing that nothing was going to happen that would pull us away from our plans. Though, other than the carnival, our plans weren't really set. Xander kept saying that he was just lying about the carnival, that he was really driving us to Mexico so that he could elope with both of us. Trying to point out that bigamy was illegal there, too, was pointless. His objective was to make us laugh. And we did, all day.
Near perfection brought about those smiles that show on the photograph, our only souvenir of that happy day. After riding several dizzying rides, and having Buffy and Xander laugh at me when I turned green, we retired to the park across the street for lunch. Xander hurried to his mom's car and produced a basketful of food-- Oreos and Twinkies being his choice for a nutritious meal. Buffy and I laughed at his hurt look until we cried.
"Hey, you guys never *told* me that you wanted sandwiches or anything. No, you just leave the menu up to me and then get mad when I pick what I think *you'll* like best. Will, look. I brought YooHoos." We giggled hysterically and teased him mercilessly.
Things were simple then.
Finally deciding that we were hungry enough to eat pure junk, I motioned for the basket and took out several snack cakes and cookies. Xander handed me a YooHoo from the cooler. Buffy swallowed hers down in less than a minute, motioning for another. Xander said something funny that, on her second drink, made Buffy spit up all over her black top, making her have to wear her white tank top instead. She didn't mind. From the looks of it, neither did Xander. That was okay with me, though. The day was too wonderful to be upset over anything.
We had to beg a nearby picnic-er to take our picture. Xander grinned widely as Buffy made a silly face. I was going to do something weird for once, like stick out my tongue or make a kissy face, but the camera went off too soon, and I was caught doing what I had been doing when the click was heard.
I had been looking at Xander.
Not just looking, though, studying. Watching. Smiling at his every perfection that made him who he was. Trying to memorize how the sun was catching his face at that moment so that I would never forget. His profile was great that day, it always was. He had a broad, laughing smile across his face that day, and all evidence of the stress of his life had been wiped away. I knew he was in his element, making us laugh, having fun. Being so totally Xander in the way I loved. The way I love him for still.
They caught that in the picture. It's Buffy on the right, smiling widely, Xander in the middle, with a relaxed and utterly happy grin on his lips and me, looking at him, an adoring smile brightening my features, revealing everything secret in me. His arm was warm and heavy against my shoulders, though, and I had no choice to be looking at him like that.
After we had wasted the rest of the film on each other, we hurried in leaving the carnival and getting it developed. I was worried what Xander would say to me when he saw that picture-- He would definitely know. And he did, I think. Buffy certainly saw it. Catching a glimpse over her shoulder, my eyes begged her not to show him, but it was too late. She mouthed "I'm sorry," as Xander laughed and tugged the photos out of her hands.
The picture rested on top. His laughter quieted and his hands stilled as he gazed down at it for a long time. Buffy casually moved towards the car, a few feet away from us. He finally looked up, his eyes breaking and healing something hidden deep inside of me. He spoke.
"Wow." Xander let his eyes dart back to the photo, and then to me, staring at him with a worried expression. I dreaded what he would say. "I just...." he trailed off uncertainly. "I just didn't know how pretty you were before this," he murmured. My heart thumped as we drifted closer to each other. He brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear again, for the second time in a month, and leaned down. I leaned up, closing my eyes. I could smell the warmth of the sun splashing off of him. His eyes were soft.
Suddenly, though, he pulled back, just like he had done the first time. I hid my disappointment as he masked his confused look with a Xander grin and pulled me into a tight hug. He whispered in my ear. "Thanks for looking at me like that, Will. You're my best friend, too." I patted his back uncertainly and he finally released me.
As we headed to the car to leave-- It was getting late in the day-- I noticed Buffy's disappointed look. Stifling a laugh, my wonderful mood was almost fully restored to me.
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I now know what it's like to kiss Xander. Xander, the boy that I've known my entire life, the boy I've loved for all that time. Though I shouldn't know what it's like, I do, and it's as wonderful as I had imagined. Only now, it's not allowed.
More than that, though, I'm not sure what I want anymore. That day, seemingly so long ago, every dream of mine fit into a category, things I wanted for myself, for my future, for Xander. Now there is Oz. And I love him, I honestly do. So I have no idea where to turn with this fear that overwhelms me every night before I fall asleep.
I see Xander looking at me out of the corner of his eye sometimes, and know that he's as confused as I am. The only thing that keeps me from talking to him about it is the temptation to.... Is the temptation. I know he loved Cordelia and it's hurting him to not be with her. I love Oz, and though I'm with him, it's hurting me to not know what I really want for my life. Right now it's him, Oz, for forgiving me the way he did. For loving me the way he does. And maybe because I'm too confused to think past that, past the fact that I love him and he loves me. Past the facts into the scary unknownness of it all.
Every time I look at that picture now, I wish for that day, or a day like it. There was nothing in my life as innocent or carefree. Trying to sleep, I tell myself that I might know tomorrow.
But innocence never comes back.
The End