Summary: Xander comes to Willow's door and they work some things out. (For
the avid W/X haters, yes, it's one of *those* fics.)
Spoilers: Through the third season.
Disclaimer: Give me a J! Give me an O! ...Okay, I got tired of that.
They're Joss's. The song at the end belongs to Peter Cetera.
Rating: PG13
The fic is for Laura, who is at the height of cool, and many thanks to Tracy.

A knock brought me to the door and I opened it, standing shocked when I saw
Xander there. I wasn't surprised that he was soaked in the rain that was
pouring down or that he was shivering or even that he was there.

I was surprised because he was crying.

With any other person, I would have had trouble being sure of that, because
his face was wet with the rain, but I knew immediately and ushered him
inside. His head ducked and he followed me up to my room. I started to
scurry around to find blankets but he just shook his head and sat down
heavily on my mattress. Not knowing what to do-- the last time that I had
seen him cry like that was when we were ten and his father told him that he
was a mistake-- I slowly walked over and sat down next to him, placing a
tentative hand on his back.

The small, comforting gesture was all he needed and he bent over me and
buried his face in my lap. As he sobbed harshly, I was at a total loss. I
smoothed back his wet hair with shaky hands, rubbing his back softly. "Shh,
Xander, it's okay... It's okay. Tell me what's wrong."

He shook his face against my thighs and groped for my hands blindly. I
thrust them into his, and he took them, squeezing them tightly. He seemed to
draw strength from them and slowly his shuddering chest slowed and then
finally stopped. His breaths calmed and he stopped gasping and I took my
hands out of his to rub his back some more.

At length, he pulled away from me and fell back against the mattress. I
laid down on my side, facing him, and traced his red, swollen eyes with my
fingertips. Grabbing my hand again, he pulled it down and kissed my fingers
soundly and I trembled with sadness and something else. "Xander," I pressed
softly again, "What is it?"

He met my eyes. "My father kicked me out of the house." His voice was
shaking. "He told me... He told me that I would never amount to anything,
that nobody would ever love me again..." He shut his eyes tightly against
the pain, and I touched his eyelids soothingly. After a moment, he
continued, whispering. "And I have no one. No one who loves me like I love
them. Buffy... She doesn't know about my father, and Cordelia is gone.
You're the only one that I... And not even you--"

I cut him off gently. "I do, though, Xander. I do. I always have, I always
will. You're my best friend, don't you see? You're part of me." I touched
his eyelids again and he opened them, listening to my silent request.
Searchingly, I looked at him, trying to comfort, and at the same time trying
to deny something that dawned on me in that moment. I repeated myself, my
voice muted. "You're part of me..."

His eyes lit dimly and his hand reached up to touch my hair, wandering over
it lightly. I shivered as the sensations that I didn't want ran through me.
His lips parted and he licked them.

"No," he denied. "He's part of you."

I sat upright, pulling away. "Xander," I warned. "I want to help you, but
if you're going to be like that, I can't. You both are. Both of you." I
glanced away.

He sat up too and looked at me intently. Taking my chin in his hands, he
turned my face back towards his and stared into my eyes for so long that I
felt like my heart was going to break out through my chest. Finally, his
eyes widened and he took his hand away from my face, running it through his
hair.

"No," he replied again, sounding shocked. "Not both of us. You still...
You still love me, Willow. I can see it in your face."

I froze, staring at his hazel eyes, not knowing how to respond. Then I threw
myself off the bed violently and shouted at him. "I don't! I don't love you
like that, Xander! You don't know what you're talking about, and you're just
hurting both of us trying to figure something out!" My lips were trembling
and slowly he stood, walking over to me. I shrank away from him, my eyes
darting back and forth for a way out, a place to run.

He took my face in both of his palms, his hands tucking my hair behind my
ears. "I was thinking that I would never really know if," his voice broke.
"If you loved me. If you ever had. And then my dad went and told me that..."

I looked up at him and his eyes slid away guiltily. "What did he tell you,
Xander?"

"I didn't tell you all of it before." His body pressed softly, undemandingly
against mine and I sighed shakily. "He walked into my room to find me
looking at a picture of you... thinking of you. He broke it, told me that I
was just a lucky fool you had taken pity on one day and that my luck had run
out. Told me that I never really mattered to you."

Xander released my face and I sighed again, whether out of relief or
disappointment, I couldn't tell. He began to pace. "I knew he was wrong, I
yelled at him that he was. I told him that you were my best friend and that
you loved me. That I was in..." He shook his head. "And he laughed, he
said that you would never want me again, that he knew, all of everything and
even though the asshole is a drunken idiot, it scared me more than I had ever
been. He-- he hit me and told me to find another place and to not come
back." He stopped pacing and stood perfectly still, three feet away from me,
and caught my eyes. "I was so afraid he was right, so afraid that... But you
love me, I saw it. I know it."

I shook my head again, turning away from him. "Not like that, Xander. Never
like that again. It hurts too much whenever I love you like that."

I heard him walk quickly up behind me, and he spun me around to face him.
His hands were on my arms and he left them there, firmly, not wanting me to
struggle away as I was planning on doing. His voice came out in a growl.

"Not this time."

And then his lips descended on mine and I arched myself against him, weakly
pushing at his shoulders. He deepened the kiss and I finally sagged in his
arms, beginning to tug him to me. My hands sought his back, grasped handfuls
of his shirt under my nails, and his hands wound themselves roughly through
my hair. Our tongues battled hotly and again I arched into him. His fingers
traced down my spine and stopped on the small of my back, moving in small
circles there.

I broke of the kiss with a cry.

"Xander, this isn't..." I bit my lip, still tangled in his arms, with
nothing to say.

"Isn't right?" he suggested. I nodded quickly, but he didn't let go of me.
Kissing my lips again, softly and then firmer, he pulled away and pressed his
forehead against mine. "How wrong did that feel?"

I regarded him seriously. "It didn't," I whispered, stifling a smile that I
didn't deserve when he grinned at me. "But, Oz. I love Oz. I do."

"You're only convincing yourself by saying that, and you're not even doing it
well," he said, still grinning.

"Xander..."

"Just sleep with me, Will," he pleaded softly. My startled eyes flew to his
and he reddened. "Sleep. Next to me. And tell me what you decide in the
morning. Whatever you choose to tell yourself, to believe, I'll trust you.
It might break my heart, but I'll go with you and won't push you and maybe in
time we'll both forget how much I'm in love with you."

My heart began to race and my face flushed. Hearing those words from
Xander's mouth, after so many years imagining them, made me feel dizzy and I
steadied myself in his arms. Finally, I nodded.

I'd always had trouble refusing him anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up long before Xander did and smiled as I realized that we were in a
little spooning position. His arms were wrapped around my waist, his hands
pressed against my stomach, and his chin rested on the top of my head. I
slowly disengaged myself to turn and look at him. His eyes fluttered, but
didn't open and I felt, suddenly, overwhelmed with feelings I had thought I
had forgotten.

He was smiling in his sleep, his lips sleep-warmed and soft, and I couldn't
resist pressing mine to them for a second. He still didn't stir, and I was
grateful beyond belief, because I knew that if he had, I wouldn't have been
able to think rationally. I decided to think it over in my head calmly.

Oz loved me. He told me at least once a day, sometimes ten times a day. He
had that quirky smile and that adorably dry sense of humor. He was beyond
cool. I loved kissing him, I felt safe in his arms. I felt treasured. I
trusted him with my heart. I would always be comfortable with him. He would
always be with me if he knew that's what I wanted, he would give me space
when I needed it, he would soothe me when I was crying. I loved him.

Xander had never told me that he loved me before the previous night. He'd
broken my heart on at least a dozen memorable occasions. Wanting Buffy for
so long, kissing Cordelia, and sleeping with Faith to mention only a few. I
didn't trust my heart with him yet-- how could I?-- but I did feel safe in
his arms. I did feel treasured, special, beautiful. I shook my head, trying
to force my thoughts in the right direction.

He laughed at the stupidest things, but somehow always got me to laugh with
him. He ate such unhealthy foods and ate a lot of them, but somehow managed
to keep fit and handsome with great hair and skin. Xander was kind of goofy,
but who said I never was? He had always stood by me, I knew his face as well
as, if not better than, my own. I could remember times in our childhood,
when we were barely old enough to understand the bad things that happened to
us. Cordelia or someone else would say something hurtful and I would cry,
and Xander would stick up for me, defend me. He would hurt them back, or, if
he couldn't, he would come over to me and hug me really hard. "S'okay,
Wills. They don't matter. You matter, you's all that matters," he would
say. He was always my savior, my knight in shining armor.

When I kissed him, I saw stars. When his hand touched mine, even innocently,
I trembled. I was scared to love him.

...But I did.

I watched as he mumbled my name in his sleep and my eyes filled with tears.
I loved him so much. Either way I went, I was not only going to be breaking
one of their hearts, but mine as well. But whatever had brought Xander to my
door, whether it was something as simple as his father, or greater than that
had wanted me to choose between them, had brought me to a place where my
heart needed to.

And then Xander opened his eyes.

Sleepy hazel irises smiled up into my face and Xander pulled me down into a
kiss, longer, slower, completely seductive. My eyes stayed open and I
watched his face as we kissed. His lashes were barely grazing his cheek, his
hair was rumpled like a little boy, the little boy that I had known and could
still remember.

And I chose, as simple as that.

I pulled back and looked into Xander's eyes intently. He furrowed his brow
and I smiled, reaching up to touch his lips. "Willow?" he asked softly.

I shook my head. "You."

"What?" His eyes filled with a hope that was almost painful to see, but he
guarded it carefully, not wanting to be hurt if I was going to say what he
most didn't want to hear.

"You," I repeated patiently. "You, Xander. I choose you."

"Why?" He sounded truly confused and I laughed, remembering how certain he
had been the previous night.

"Because I love you," I said simply. "I always have."

"For how long?"

"For always, if that's okay with you," I whispered, loving him so much that
it hurt. Loving the boy he had been and the friend that I had known and the
man he now was. Loving the way he looked at me, the way he laughed and
smiled, the strange way he danced and his odd clothes. Loving that he loved
me, no matter how long it had taken him to get to that point. We were there
now, and that was all that mattered.

I would tell Oz and I would cry, knowing that I was hurting him, and he would
be hurt but understand, knowing like he always had that my heart was reserved
for someone else. He would hug me and kiss me for the last time, and he
would ask to not see me for a while, but one day things would be okay again.
I had faith.

Xander's face turned into a soft, sexy smile and I loved that, too, smiling
back at him. My hair fell over his face, creating a neat little red curtain
that shielded our faces from the light of the window. He leaned up and
kissed my chin. "It's more than okay with me," he said. "It's perfect with
me. I love you, you know that?"

I nodded, kissing his mouth again, knowing that I would never want to stop
kissing him or touching him or looking at him, or hearing him say that to me.
Our mouths met sweetly and then broke off again.

"Yes," I replied truthfully. "I finally do."

The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tonight it's very clear as we're both lyin' here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you, I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you cryin'
I don't wanna lose you, I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreamin' of
We'll live forever, knowin' together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall, you help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you, I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you been dreamin' of
We'll live forever, knowin' together
That we did it all for the glory of love

Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreamin' of
Gonna live forever, knowin' together
That we did it all for the glory of love

We'll live forever, knowin' together
That we did it all for the glory of love

We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love

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