Summary: Xander thinks about the most important person in his life.
Spoilers: Through the fourth season of Buffy.
Disclaimer: Joss created them. I'm using his creations for my own fun.
Rating: G
All my thanks to Tracy for the beta. :)
Fragments
by: Amy
* * * * * *
When I was a child, I fell in love with this beautiful girl playing in a
sandbox. I didn't really know what love was then, not with the way I had
been raised so far, but I sensed something in her, something that could
connect me in a way that I had never been connected before, something that
could... Love me back, I guess.
I'd spent the first three years of my life without her, never imagining that
one day I would meet a person who would eventually become my everything.
Eventually. Not really true. She became my everything in a moment; a split
second where she smiled my way.
It may not sound plausible, falling in love at three, but there it is. The
bare truth. Something I've never told, not that baldly, and will most likely
never tell. Willow has been a part of me since that very first encounter in
the playground. And ever since then, whenever I tell a story, whenever I
have a dream.
She's the part of me that I never let anyone see, the part that strives to do
good, be better, be perfect all for her. She's my conscience and my fantasy.
She keeps me in line when she doesn't even know it. I behave better than I
know I could because I don't want her to see that dark part of me that has
grown up hating the world. That scared boy that I hide that both of us
pretend doesn't exist.
I hide myself from her, but still she always sees me.
That has to be love.
* * * * * *
When I was young, I fell in love with this beautiful girl. We were at the
eighth-grade cotillion and my clip-on tie kept falling off. Willow was
dressed in a dress that was soft and green, her first pair of high-heels and
a pair of sparkling earrings; the clippy kind that girls wear when their ears
aren't pierced.
I was upset about my tie because I knew I looked stupid and I had been trying
to get a pretty blond-- I don't remember her name now-- to notice me all
night. But Willow made it better.
She always made it better.
She took my tie and wrapped it around my neck and then took off one of her
earrings, clipping the tie together with it and hiding the bit of jewelry
under the fabric. I looked at her and she had a big smile on, even though she
loved those earrings, and I fell in love with her.
I stopped trying to get what's-her-name's attention after that. Willow and I
danced the rest of the night while Jesse tried to make time with Cordelia and
we laughed as the teacher-d.j played songs that he thought kids would like.
She kissed my cheek that night when her mom dropped me off.
I still have that earring.
* * * * * *
When I was a teenager, I fell in love with this beautiful girl while she
slept. Her face was pale and her bruises were dark and I held her hand as I
realized she might die. I remembered things I hadn't thought of in years,
cried while I thought of what life would be like without her and touched her
face in the way that I had always secretly wanted to.
That was the first time I admitted my feelings to her, out loud where she
could hear me, hoping desperately that my love would somehow keep her alive,
keep her away from death's door-- from that last breath-- even for just a
second. I don't know how she could have heard how much I needed her, how
much she meant to me, how much I was willing to sacrifice just by my three
words, but maybe she did. Maybe I said them right. She woke up to my words.
But she woke up to his face.
And I tried so hard after that day to pretend it had never happened. I tried
to tell myself that I was just panicking. I went back to being as scared as
I ever had been, not mentioning what had happened, who had actually spoken,
and that my entire life had changed in that instant where her hand squeezed
mine and I knew that she was going to be okay... Knew that she was going to
wake up because somehow she had heard me, had known.
Yeah, I tried to pretend it had never happened but I failed.
Those words haunted me everytime I saw her after that. Every time she walked
into a room, every time she called me on the phone, every time we ate lunch
together or walked together or researched demons together.
Because I didn't just admit that I loved her to her. I admitted it to myself.
* * * * * *
When I was growing up I fell in love with this beautiful girl as we got ready
for the homecoming dance. I tried to teach her how to dance and she was so
soft in my arms as this slow song played on her stereo and she looked up at
me with her big green eyes.
I'll never be sure who started the kiss, but I think it must have been me
because as I heard her breathing become more ragged, felt her body press into
me, I wanted her so badly that I didn't think of the consequences. And then
my mouth was on hers-- she has the softest lips-- and she was holding me
tight like I'd dreamed she would for years but had been too afraid of for
fear of ruining the perfect friendship that we'd already had. Her hair was
silky as it brushed my collar and she smelled so good, like apples and
flowers and the world fell away.
But it didn't stay away long, and that perfect moment was lost forever,
buried in my memory where it should stay. And other things came up, like her
relationship with the other boy that she loved and my relationship with
someone that I loved too. Things like graduation and fears and college.
And I grew even older, falling in love again as she did, with new people.
But I didn't stop loving her. I realized that people were right; life
doesn't always turn out how you plan. Because how can you love someone so
much and know them so well and be with someone else?
I don't know how, but I guess it's possible.
* * * * * *
When I was a young man, I fell in love with this beautiful girl as she cried.
I loved her so strongly then, even as she wept for another man who'd she'd
loved years before. A man who I cared for too, a man who had loved her with
all of his heart before he died.
I held Willow in my arms on that night, the night Devon had told her that Oz
had been killed, and felt her hands grasp weakly at my shirt, felt the hot
tears slide off her cheeks and track down my neck. "Don't ever leave me,"
she had made me promise, and for a moment I let her see something in my eyes
that I had been keeping secret for years and I swore to her that I would
always be with her.
She cried until she threw up, until her stomach could no longer deal with the
heaves of pain and I simply held her hair back, rubbed her shoulders, and was
there for her in every way I knew how to be.
"I'll always be here, Will," I promised again, later, whispering it into her
ear as she finally fell asleep, curled against me and still desperate for
closeness. I smiled and kissed her temple and told her the thing I had told
her on another long-ago night when she had slept and I comforted her.
"I love you."
She woke up to my face that night, my voice filling her mind. Her eyes were
still red with tears, her face pale and sad but as she reached up and stroked
my cheek, she had never looked more beautiful to me. "Was it you?" she asked
softly.
"What?" I stared at her, not willing to admit anything, even though I knew
what she was asking.
"That night. The night Buffy left," she said simply. "Was that you talking
to me?"
I sighed. "It doesn't matter now--"
"No," she agreed. "It doesn't. But I'd like to know."
I held her a little tighter, unsure of how this would turn out. "Yes," I
finally sighed. "It was me. But I didn't... I didn't want anything less for
you than everything you deserved. And I'm just not that."
"Oh, Xander," she breathed. She shook her head slightly, closing her eyes as
if in pain from my confession. "I love you too. I always have."
And then she buried her face in my chest, hugging me close as I inhaled the
scent of her shampoo. We fell asleep like that, coiled around each other.
That was the best night of my life.
But we never said anything about it after that.
Not a whisper or a word.
* * * * * *
On her wedding day, I fell in love with this beautiful girl. She was dressed
all in white, making her eyes shine a little bit greener as we stood alone in
her dressing room before we went out.
She looked so soft and pure, the sunlight through the window falling on her,
making her glow. Willow smiled, put her arms around me and we hugged for a
long time, rocking slowly from side to side. I didn't want to let go of her.
And I think maybe... Just maybe... She didn't want to let go of me either.
But that's just one of a million things I'll never be certain about.
Finally we pulled away and she let out a nervous giggle, spontaneously
twirling for my benefit. "How do I look?"
"Well," I tried to smile, "I think the white might be pushing it, but..."
She laughed-- God, I love her laugh-- and punched me lightly in the middle of
the chest. "Xander! I'm being serious."
I paused and felt my smile fade as I gazed at her, knowing I could never say
all of the things that I'd always want to say. At length I took a deep
breath and shook my head. "You look more beautiful today than I've ever seen
you. And Will, you've always been amazing."
Her lip trembled for a moment as she contemplated my words and what was under
them, what I was really saying. Then she nodded and sniffed and hooked her
arm through mine. "Thanks. Ready to give me away?"
No. "As ready as I'll ever be," I said.
So we walked out of the room and down the aisle towards the man who had
raised us both in a way and it passed through my head that if I thought of
Giles as basically my father then in a matter of moments Willow would be my
step-mom and I bit my lip from to keep from laughing.
Just one of those weird thoughts that passes through your mind before you die.
And I did that day. I watched her promise to love him forever and kiss him,
saw the happiness on her face as they turned to walk back down the aisle,
this time together, and I died.
And I survived it, I guess.
I'll survive for a long time. I'll be with her when she has children, see
the joy Giles will bring her every day and strangely, I'll be happy for that.
I've always wanted her to be happy. That was the most I could wish for.
I'd just hoped it would be with me.
But really life is just made up of fragments, like a jigsaw puzzle. A piece
here and a piece there, added together maybe don't mean anything. But all of
them, in the right order, can be something beautiful. You just have to work
at it, I think.
And be patient.
So I will be. I know she'll love him and know he'll love her and never
begrudge either of them that.
But every day for the rest of my life, I'll fall in love with this beautiful
girl.
The End
Round like a circle in a spiral
like a wheel within a wheel,
never ending or beginning
on an ever-spinning reel.
Like a snowball down a mountain
or a carnival balloon
like a carousel that's burning
running rings around the moon.
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
past the minutes of its face
and the world is like an apple
whirling silently through space.
Like the circles that you find...
In the windmills of your mind.
Like a tunnel that you follow
to a tunnel of its own
down a hollow to a cavern
where the sun has never shone.
Like a door that keeps revolving
in a half-forgotten dream
are the ripples from a pebble
someone tosses in a stream.
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
past the minutes of its face
and the world is like an apple
whirling silently through space.
Like the circles that you find...
In the windmills of your mind.
Keys that jingle in your pocket
words that jangle in your head;
why does summer go so quickly,
was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along the shore,
and view their footprints in the sand,
there's the sound of distant drumming,
just the fingers of your hand.
Pictures hanging in a hallway
and the fragments of this song
half-remembered names and faces,
but to whom doth they belong?
When you knew that it was over,
were you suddenly aware
that the autumn leaves were turning
to the color of her hair?
Like a circle in a spiral
or a wheel within a wheel
never ending or beginning
on an ever spinning reel.
As the images unwind
and the circles that you find
in the windmills of your mind.
Send some feedback
More X/W
Something else