Excuses To Cry

by: Amy

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I keep telling myself that this isn't possible. I keep thinking "No." Just like that, that one little word. No. It's not happening, it's not possible. There was too much love. I loved him so much.

And the worst part is, I'm being selfish. I know the others feel bad, and are even grieving in their own ways, but I'm the one who's hurting the most. And I can't even let it out, I can't even tell anyone how much I want to be gone with him. I'm supposed to be the strong one. But he was never supposed to leave. So, since he broke his promises, does that mean I can break mine?

I'm seriously considering it.

And for what? To unburden my wasteful heart? To allow myself relief against the nightmares, the torments of my every waking thought? I had known that if it were to happen, it would hurt. It would be insane if it didn't. But I don't think I've ever felt something like this. Of course, it was different with Angel.

The funny thing is, with Angel, I felt like I had someone to fall back on. Someone who would catch my shoulders if I fainted, someone who would feed my stomach if I was hungry or feed my soul if I was lonely. Company, compassion, warmth, humor, he belonged to all of them. Intelligence, kindness. And he must have loved me too.

He was my Watcher. How am I supposed to live without him?

Even losing Merrick didn't hurt this badly. It hurt, a lot, but I had only known him a short time before he died. Giles was here for me through everything. I behaved stupidly, he cautioned me. I was sad, he comforted me. I was a childish brat, he forgave me. How many grudges did I hold on to? How many things have I never forgiven people for? Well, they're all forgiven. Right now, just like that. Gone, poof, they never existed for me. Life is too short to not be with those you love over something petty. Or even something not so petty. I hate what made me learn this.

I hate myself most of all. I see Willow crying, Cordelia crying. I see Xander trying to be brave and hold back his tears. I see Oz holding Willow and I see the hollow look that seeps into his eyes. He was our father. He took care of us in a way that we didn't realize we needed. Orphans, all of us.

Oz's father died. Xander's father was an abusive drunk. Cordelia's father was more interested in making money. Willow's father barely knew she existed. And mine... Mine didn't *care* that I existed, at least not after I started making "trouble." Giles was my dad. Giles was the guy who all the kids dream about having for a parent. Kind of stuffy, but all parents are. I used to imagine him with a kid on his knee at Christmas or something, bouncing them, making them squeal laughter.

He could have had that if it weren't for me. A normal life. A happy family. Not death and pain through the people he cared about. The people he would have cared about wouldn't have been able to cause him any pain. Not like me.

But the problem was, I fell in love with him. Not romantically, but I was in love with how much he loved all of us, how gentle he could be, how naive and how wise. I fell in love with having someone who cared *so much* that they would die for me.

I never thought of that as literally.

And now I can see us, the Slayerettes, scattering to the winds. No one to tie us together anymore. Friendship a bond that broke the instant he died for me. They all blame me. And I don't blame them for doing so. I blame me too. I'm the one who should have died.

And even though I can see the blame in their eyes, they try to comfort me. It's ironic, how the only one who would have been able to make me feel better after a loss like this is the one I lost. Their sad smiles and tentative hugs do little. I don't want connections. I'm not going to lose my heart to friendship any longer.

I'll finish crying this last time and never do it again. I'll never let anyone know that I can be hurt. I'll never let anyone see the mark of grief coat my face.

And I'll never cry again, I tell myself as the tears slide down my face. I'll never cry again.

The End

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