Summary: Set about six years in the future, Buffy and Riley are living in New
York and she gets a heartbreaking phone call. The companion piece to "A Sin
And A Lie."
Spoilers: Minor through the forth season.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to make them cry.
Rating: PG
Distribution: Just ask. I'll say yes.
Feedback: It's a perfect yum.
Thanks Trace! You rock. :)
Author's Note: My apologies to the WatcherGirls for sending this onto your
list, but I hope that because it's a companion piece to a Buffy/Giles
(father/daughter) type story, and that Giles is in it some, I might be
forgiven. :)

* * * * * * * *
"How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry.
Come let me hold you, and I will try...
How can I help you to say goodbye?"
--Patty Loveless

* * * * * * * *

Buffy's hand hurt. That was the first sensation that seeped back into her
body. She looked down and saw bloody nail imprints in her palm, and she
winced. Her eyes welled, and for a moment, she didn't know why. "What?" she
muttered, barely loud enough for herself to hear.

On the other end of the line, Willow sucked in her breath. "I'm sorry,
Buffy. I really am... I don't know what to say."

The tears finally fell, spilling down her cheeks numbly. "But, what did you
say? I don't..." Her voice was choked. "I don't remember."

Willow sounded near tears herself. "Angel's dead, Buffy."

Buffy nodded, though her friend couldn't see her. "How do you know? I mean,
how are you sure? It could have just been someone who... who looked like
him, or someone... Did anyone actually *see* him get staked?"

"Cordelia did," Willow responded softly. "It was during a fight. It was
two days ago. Cordelia barely escaped with her life."

"Oh." Everything sounded slow. Was everything being *said* slowly?, Buffy
wondered. "Okay."

"I've already booked you a plane ticket back here... We thought it would be
right to have a memorial service for him," Willow informed her gently. "Your
ticket is waiting at the counter of the JFK airport. You'll be on the six
o'clock plane."

"Oh, okay," Buffy repeated. "Bye."

She hung up the phone quickly, sinking down onto her couch. Her throat ached
and burned. The phone rang again, suddenly. Buffy listened to it ring,
knowing that it was Willow calling back to see if she was all right. She
laid her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes.

Maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was just a bad dream.
* * * * * * * *

"Honey... Buffy, wake up." Riley shook her shoulder gently. Buffy shifted,
and then her eyes fluttered open sleepily to see the face of her worried
husband. He smiled in concern. "Are you all right?"

She sat up, pulling away from him, and nodded. His eyebrows knitted, and he
leaned forward to brush away the tear tracks from her cheeks. She had been
crying in her sleep.

Buffy licked her lips, feeling that something wasn't right, and then looked
back up at Riley. He smiled encouragingly at her, and suddenly she knew.
She knew what wasn't right, what couldn't ever be right again. Angel had
died.

It wasn't a dream.

"What's happened?" he asked, softer this time, rubbing her shoulder.

"I, uh..." Her voice was raspy, so she cleared her throat and started again.
"I need to go home... To Sunnydale. Someone died."

"Who?"

Buffy was already off the couch and on her way to their room to pack when she
answered. "Angel."
* * * * * * * * *

Riley looked hesitant, and a little nervous. He touched her shoulder. "Do
you want me to come with you?" he offered. "I can be packed and ready to
leave in five minutes."

Buffy met his eyes, gave him a tiny smile. "No, thanks. I'll call you when
I get there, though."

"Okay." He nodded, then paused. "Buffy... I know that this isn't fair of me
to ask, especially right after... This happened, but...." He gulped.

She shook her head, reaching up to touch his cheek tenderly. "I love you as
much as I always have, Riley," she explained softly. "I don't mean to hurt
you with this. But, Angel... He held so much of me for so long... And still
does in some ways, I guess. A piece of me is always going to feel something
for him, something important. Because he was important in my life." She
leaned up and gave him a slow kiss on the mouth before drawing away to look
into his eyes again. "You're my husband. I won't go if you ask me not to."

Riley licked his lips, realizing that he could taste the tears she was trying
so hard to hide from him. He shook his head with a smile. "You should do
what makes you feel right. And if saying goodbye to him, if going to him, is
what you need, then I want you to do that."

Buffy nodded, hearing the truth in his words, and then heard the taxi honk
outside. "That's my ride."

"Yeah."

She turned for the door and then turned back to him, dropping her overnight
bag and running into his arms. He held her tightly for a moment, kissing her
shoulder, her neck, and finally her mouth, feeling her arms tighten around
him. She sniffled, loving him for forgiving what she needed to do, and then
pulled herself out of his embrace. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too." He smiled gently, holding onto her arms, his forehead
touching hers. "I'll be waiting for your call."

Buffy lifted her head and then bit her lip, turning away and leaving the
warmth of the apartment and his arms.
* * * * * * * * *

Her heart was hurting again.

She looked around the terminal, not able to remember who had offered to pick
her up. Her eyes caught a flash of red, and she followed it, recognizing
Willow right away. Her mouth suddenly went dry with happiness to see her
friend. Buffy didn't realize she was running until she was in front of
Willow, her chest stinging and her eyes watering. Willow looked at her in
surprise.

"Wow. Seventy feet in five seconds," Willow smiled, leaning in to hug Buffy.

Buffy hugged her back, hard, and buried her face in Willow's shoulder. "I
missed you. I missed everything about you. And..." Her voice cracked and
she trailed off, wanting to block the tears and hurt, wanting to just revel
in the joy of seeing her best friend again.

Willow shook her head. "Shh... I know." She petted Buffy's hair back, and
Buffy looked down, holding it all in.

She heard a throat clear, and looked up in surprise to see Giles standing
next to Willow. "Giles! I didn't even... I didn't know you were coming."

"At the last minute, I decided to. I'm sorry that there wasn't enough time
to call you. You were already on your plane," he told her.

Buffy shook her head, ignoring his apology, and slipped into his arms, her
face against his chest. She breathed in the scent of him that was so purely
Giles-- tea and dusty leather books and mints-- and smiled against his shirt.
She was home. After so long, she was with her best friend and her Watcher,
and she didn't have to love them from afar anymore. At least not for that
moment. It was a wonderful feeling, to have them there to hold onto.

"I love you, Giles. I missed you."

His eyes softened, and he held her close, resting his cheek against the top
of her head. "I missed you too, Buffy. I'm... sorry... for what happened."

"I know you are," she nodded. "And it helps."

"Come now, then." He smiled down at her, and took her bag, letting her loop
her arm through his. Willow smiled and took hold of Buffy's other arm, and
the small group made their way through the airport terminal. "The service is
tomorrow. I didn't know what... Would be easiest for you... So there will be
no speakers. Just a small group of people who knew him. But, if you'd like
to say a few words..."

"No," she said quickly. "I... Giles, how hard would it be to call the thing
off?"

"Not very," he replied, confused. "There would really only be a few of us
attending. Why? Would you like me to?"

"I just don't know if I could... If I could..."

"All right." He patted her hand. "I'll make a few phone calls."

Her eyes shimmered with tears. "Thank you."
* * * * * * * *

The wind howled in the cemetery, and Buffy stared up at the night sky, trying
to figure out which star Angel was on. It was an old game that she used to
play when she was little, a game that her mother taught her when her
grandfather died.

"If you look up at the stars and try to find which star Grandpa is living on,
you won't be so lonely for him. Then when you find the star, you'll always
know where he is, and you'll be able to talk to him anytime you want to,"
Joyce had said so long ago.

Had it really been twenty years?

Buffy finally tore her eyes away from the glittering sky and settled them
back on the ground. She lowered herself down to the grass and sat in front
of Angel's grave marking, letting her hands wander over the engraved words.
"A guardian angel to all who knew him. He saved us all. May God bless his
soul," she read aloud, softly, tears welling in her eyes.

"I miss you, Angel. I never thought that I would live longer than you," she
told him quietly. "I'm only twenty-five. I guess I always thought... I love
my husband. He makes me happier than I would have ever thought it was
possible to be. For a while there, I thought the Fates were against me. And
then Riley came along. But... I always sort of hoped that there was a way
for us," she admitted. "Maybe that's wrong of me, but you were my heart.
You were everything I fought for, everything I relied on, everything that I
wanted and needed and prayed for and.... Loved. And still are, in a lot of
ways. Did you know that?"

She paused, her hands playing with the soft blades of grass, then took a deep
breath. "Did my getting married to Riley hurt you as much as I feared it
would? Because you always told me that... You wanted me to be happy. And I
was happy with him, so I went for it. But there was always you. Couldn't
you feel that I loved you still, even from so far away? Couldn't you..." Her
voice broke. "Couldn't you have stayed alive, for me?"

Still, she tried to keep the tears in check. Buffy finally fell silent, and
looked up at the sky again, and breathed in deeply. Her eyes darted from
star to star. A voice startled her suddenly.

"If you look up at the stars and try to find which star Angel is living on,
you won't be so lonely for him. Then, when you find the star, you'll always
know where he is, and you'll be able to talk to him anytime you want to."

Buffy spun around, her eyes locking on her mother. A sob tore at her chest,
and she flung herself into Joyce's arms. "I didn't think it would hurt this
bad," she wept, clinging to her mom. "I didn't think anything could hurt me
this bad. I thought I had felt it all before, but... How did you find me?"

"Giles told me. He loves you a lot, you know. And it's going to be okay,
baby," Joyce soothed, holding her close. "Just cry for him, and say goodbye
to him. He loved you, I know. I know you loved him. I'm... so sorry."

Buffy's voice was choked and trembling. "It's just... I don't know how..."

"It's okay to hurt, Buffy," Joyce whispered into her daughter's hair. "It's
okay to feel so badly inside that you think you might not make it. That's
how you know that you can heal; if you can feel it, you can move on. And if
you can move on, it won't hurt forever."

"I didn't want to cry," Buffy sobbed. "I didn't want to really let go... I
wanted it not to be true. But then.... You were the only one I wanted to
see, the only one I wanted to talk to, Mom, and I didn't even know it."

Joyce's eyes glimmered with sudden tears. "I love you, Baby. Don't worry.
It'll get better. It'll be okay."

"Do you promise?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Yes." Joyce smiled. "I promise. Now come let me hold you, and you can cry
with me. And maybe that can help. Maybe... Maybe how much I love you will
make how much it hurts better, some."

Buffy hugged Joyce tighter, so tight that she could hear her heartbeat. She
smiled tearfully, feeling safe in her mother's embrace. Her words were
quiet, but Joyce heard them.

"It already has."

The End


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