Inara: In that case, every well-bred petty crook knows that the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the table setting.

Wash: Got a distress call coming in.  Some folks asking for help

Mal: Really? Folks asking for help from us petty crooks.

Wash: Well…

Mal: Maybe I should take that right away

Wash: Well, it’s for her.

Mal: Huh?

Wash: The call’s for Inara.

Inara: I’ll take it in my shuttle.

Wash: All right.  I’ll send it back there.

Mal: This distress wouldn’t be happen to be taking place in someone’s pants would it?

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle.  I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but…

Nandy: If they got brains and guns at all…

Inara: They’ve got guns.

Inara: I suppose you heard most of that.

Mal: Only because I was eavesdropping.

Jayne: Don’t know these folks.  Don’t much care to.

Mal: They’re whores.

Jayne: I’m in.

Jayne: Hope the whores are prettier than the house.

Mal: Well, any friend of Inara’s is a strictly business-like relationship of mine.  This is my first mate, Zoe.  I’ll introduce you to the rest later.  They’re good folk.

Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?

Mal: Well, that one’s kind of horrific.

Kaylee: Look, they got boy-whores.  Isn’t that thoughtful?

Jayne: Woop!  My John Thomas is about to pop up and fly around the room there’s so much tasty in here.   

Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kayle: Everyone’s got somebody.  Wash, tell me I’m pretty.

Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.

Kaylee: Cause I’m pretty?

Wash: Cause you’re pretty…

Mal: Well, lady, I must say, you’re my kind of stupid.

Book: I’m fair handy with a hammer, Captain.

Mal: That so, shepherd?

Book: Been following the footsteps of a carpenter for some time now.  I think I can do something about our fortifications.

Jayne: Ya’ll are pulling, instead of squeezing, like I said.  Next one that don’t hit that board is giving up the special treat.

Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered?

Simon: As a primary, this’ll be the first.  You?

Inara: My first, too.

River: Mine, too.

Simon: It’s gonna be a long night.

Inara: You’re going great, doctor.

River: Who do you think is in there?

Mal: You are a remarkable woman, if you don’t mind my saying.

Nandy: As long as it’s you saying it and not my fine rice wine.

Mal: Takes more than a few drinks to render my judgement blurry.  What about you?  Am I getting any prettier?

Nandy: By the minute…

Nandy: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.

Mal: I’m just waiting to see if I pass out.  Long story…

Jayne: Now, girl, that is just plain dirty.

Mal: Jayne, you are aware that your radio is transmitting, cause I don’t feel particularly girlish or dirty right now.

Jayne: Mal, it looks like we got some imminent violence!

Petaline: Rance, this is Jonah.  Jonah, say hi to your daddy.  *shoots*  Say good-bye to your daddy.

Mal: Inara, I ain’t looking for anything from you.  I’m just feeling kind of truthsome right now.  Life’s just too damn short for if’s and maybe’s…