Mal: (First line, sitting naked in the desert) Yeah, that went well.

Mal: Now wait. Something's different, something is, something is...uh
Monty: Yeah...
Mal: The beard! Oh, you shaved off your soupcatcher. Well, I thought you were going to wear that ugly chinwig to the grave.
Monty: Yeah, so did I, but she didn't much like my whiskers.
Mal: She?
Monty: Hup. Bridget! What am I thinking? I have to introduce you to the missus.
Mal: Monty?!?!?? You have fallen from our noble bachelor ranks?

Monty: I wasn't looking to, but she just sorta swept me off my feet.
Mal: Well, she must be a rare specimen.
Monty: That doesn't begin to cover it. Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.

(Mal and "Bridget" draw guns on each other)

Monty: So, you guys have met?

Monty: (broadcasting from spaceship leaving the surface) Damn you, Bridget. Damn you to Hades. You broke my heart into a million pieces. You made me love you and then you...I shaved off my beard for you, devil-woman.

Mal: You're going to want to pull your claw out of that bag.

Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination if I recall.


Bridget/Saffron: Oh, yeah, just like old times.
Mal: We don't have any old times. I just don't
want you to pull a pistol out of, of anywhere...
Bridget/Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: Can't miss a place you've never been.

Bridget/Saffron: But face it, hubby, I'm really hot.

Jayne: (Looking at Mal with tissue in both nostrils) Whoa, cap! Don't tell me you got into a fight with Monty?
Kaylee: Oh really? But I thought we liked Monty? We love Monty, don't we?
Zoe: Sweetie, he had a tussle with that sasquatch, we'd all be in the dirt right about now, scooping up the Captain's teeth. Ain't that so, sir?
Mal: You know what? I don't particularly want to talk about it.We got work to do. Let's shut up and do it.
Wash: Inara was asking for you wanted..uhh uh uh (shocked). So later with the talking then. (mouths 'What happened?' and motions to face)


Inara: Right, you're a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That was a...
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: They were dolls.
Inara: They were little Geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: Hey, people loved those!

Inara: Since I can't find work as a companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you.
Mal: Petty?
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Swa-shee
Mal: That's Chinese for petty.

Jayne: Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you to run afoul of his blushing psychotic bride. If she figures out who you are, she'll turn you in before you can say "Don't...turn me in...lady."


River: She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl. She starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
Simon: I am trying to think of a way for you to be cruder...it's just...not
coming...


Durin: No, you've done much more than that. You've returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Mal: Well, this..is...a day I'll feel good to be me.

Durin: I appreciate your honesty...not, you know..a lot...but...

Mal: No one's killing any folk here today, on account of we got a really tight schedule, YoSafBridge.

Bridget/Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?

Mal: I saw you without your clothes on once. I never thought I'd see you naked.

Bridget/Saffron: (covered in garbage) What are you doing here?
Inara: Oh, just my part of the job.
Bridget/Saffron: What part of the job?
Inara: You know. I put on the big act, storm away in a huff. Then I fly off, wait for you to double-cross Mal, beat you to the rendevous spot, and grab the loot before you can get to it. (laughing) What, you didn't see it coming?

Simon: (to paralyzed Jayne) How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
Jayne: That's crazy talk.
Simon: Then let's talk crazy. How much?
Jayne: Anybody there? (River peeks in). Anybody else? Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife...again...often, so I want you to understand one thing very clearly. No matter what you do or say or plot. No matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same...cause I don't see this working any other way.
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Mal: (Sitting naked in the desert) Yeah, that went well.
Inara: You call this going well?

Kaylee: Good work, cap'n.
Mal: Thank you, Kaylee. (Stands naked on the port of the ship,
arms behind head). Good day...