Spike: Ah, yeah. Thanks, but not really my type, Harry. So be a good lad. Push off. . . . What are you gawkin’ at?
Lindsay: Guy like you. Whiling away his time at some cheesy downtown strip dive. Look like someone who’s feeling kind a lost.
Spike: Is that right? Cause, funny, I thought I knew exactly where I was. Place called the ‘Peppermint Stick.’ Prima ballerina up there’s Sunshine, but I’m fairly certain that’s not her real name.

Lindsay: Hey. Spike. Get any interesting mail lately?
Spike: Just who the bloody hell are you, anyway?
Lindsay: Your new best friend.

Wes: We’re talking about an evil warlock here. The longer we wait the more powerful he becomes.
Gunn: I don’t plan on waiting.
Wes: Really? What is your plan?
Gunn: We open a can of Machiavelli on his ass.
Harmony: It’s Machabelli. And, son? It doesn’t come in a can.

Angel: So are we doing this because it’s right or because it’s cost effective?
Gunn: Ah, well. A little of both actually.
Wes: Yes, oddly once again we find ourselves in a bit of a grey
Angel: DON’T!
Wes: area.
Angel: say that.

Lindsay: Look. I’m just a guy, a nobody, a drifter. I was minding my own business and then one day WHAM! I started having these visions.
Spike: Visions?
Lindsay: Yeah. Like brain pictures but they hurt. Like when you eat ice cream too fast.

Alley Chick: Thank you, thank you. That guy was going to kill me.
Spike: Well what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood. Got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit.
Alley Chick: What?!?
Spike: I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley? Take two steps, break your bloody ankle.
Alley Chick: I was just trying to get home.
Spike: Take a cab, you moron. And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don’t get in the van! Stupid cow.

Lindsay: You just saved a girl’s life. It’s nothing to laugh off. Though you could try being a bit nicer next time, you almost made her cry.
Spike: Next time?

Wes: Harmony? I need you to run these to Accounting. Tell them it’s about the warlock situation.
Harmony: I’m not allowed to talk to Accounting without Angel’s approval. I *accidentally* authorized a few ‘Bath of the Month’ subscriptions. On accident.

Harmony: Any business with the senior partners, I’m supposed to tell Angel immediately.
Wes: I’ll take care of it, Harmony.
Harmony: Also, any time something comes in with runes on it, I’m supposed to tell Angel immediately. And, not try and read the runes myself. Cause that can cause a fire.

(One of Angel’s dreams)
Fred: Angel? You look terrible.
Angel: Fred? I think something’s wrong.
Fred: Ok. Ok, don’t worry. I know what to do. [snaps on a pair of doctor’s examination gloves] Let’s take a look under the hood.
Angel: What? Fred? What are you doing?
Fred: It’s ok.
Angel: [as Fred starts to make an incision in Angel’s chest] Please! Ah, ah! Ow!
Fred: Huh. There. That wasn’t so bad, was it? Ok, let’s get these out of the way. . . . There’s your liver. . . . There’s your kidneys. . . .Don’t worry. You’re a vampire. You don’t need this stuff anyway. Probably should have had it removed a long time ago. Oh! Ah! There’s your heart. Hey! Whaddaya know? It *is* a dried up little walnut. So far, so good. Let’s see. [pulls a string of pearls out of Angel’s chest and puts them on]. . . Raisins [and eats them]. . . . [pulls a bent up, rusted license plate out of Angel’s chest] Hmmm. Came up the Gulf Stream, huh? Hang on. [pulls a goldfish bowl out of Angel’s chest] There’s your soul! Ooh! We’re gonna have to flush this. [hands the bowl to a bear] Thank you, bear.

Gunn: You guys are gonna wanna see this. Been getting reports of a vigilante prowling the streets last night. A vampire, apparently.
Wes: Angel never left his penthouse. [reads the report] “Vigilante reportedly killed two vampires at a gas station and then asked the women he saved if they’d like to get a bottle of hooch and listen to some Sex Pistols records with him.”
Fred: Are we sure Angel’s just tired and not, um, crazy?

Spike: You call that a bed?
Lindsay: Well it’s not like you’re going to be sharing it with anyone any time soon.

(One of Angel’s dreams)
Gunn: And now, it’s time for your reward.
Wes: Yes! Your reward!
Spike: But I didn’t do this for a reward.
Gunn: Well, that’s why you’re getting one.
Wes: After all, anyone who saves the universe from eternal bloodshed, horror, and misery deserves to get what they’ve always wanted.
Fred: Deserves to become a real boy.
Blue Fairy: And so you shall.
Spike: My heart! It’s, it’s beating again! Listen!
Fred: You’re human, Spike! You’re alive!
Gunn: Oooh! I wanna hear!

Eve: Fine. Let’s talk more. How’s our blonde crusader? Is he buying into it?
Lindsay: So far. I mean he hasn’t sewn a big, red “S” on his chest yet, but he’s getting there.

Fred: Hey! Did you talk to Spike?
Wes: We did.
Fred: What did he say?
Gunn: You know, stuff.
Fred: Like what?
Wes: Apparently we’re not good enough for him.
Gunn: Thinks we sold out.
Fred: We didn’t sell out. We’re changing the system from within.
Gunn: You know, when you say it out loud it sounds really naive.

Fred: Hey, Harmony. Um, any word from Angel?
Harmony: Haven’t heard a peep.
Fred: Maybe we should call him. Check in?
Harmony: Act like we care? Good plan.

Lindsay: Are you this prickly with all your friends?
Spike: I’m soft on the inside.

[Spike rips the sulventh parasite off Angel’s abdomen and throws it against a wall.]
Spike: That’ll be a bitch of a clean-up.
Angel: Spike.
Spike: No need to thank me. Just helping the helpless.