Buffy.FU               News straight from our asses. - Infants Accused of Having Terrorist Names "I'll Jihad after nap time." Detroit - Frequent fliars here at the South Lamden Airport in downtown Detroit were met with an unfortunate revelation last Tuesday morning just before boarding their respective flights for the day. Two infants, identified as D. Thomas and J. Gillis, were transported off of the plane by armed guards when it became known that both infants names bore a remarkable resemblence to possible terrorists working within the United States. "It was just unbelievable," Jed Richie, a passenger on Flight 27, remarked. "I had no idea terrorists were in my hometown. They don't lie when they say this could happen to anyone." The United States government's list of names included a "D Williams" and "J Sanders" which they believed bore too striking a resemblance to "D Thomas" and "J Gillis." Both infants, one as young as 11 months in age, released the following statement in regards to their innocence... ".a8892098a8d907as90df*S()&f90SDf," Gillis wrote us via web messenger. The outrage was apparent, and by no means was the anger lost on the airlines involved, who are now suing the infants for defamation of character. Mickey Jones, who works with us here at Buffy.FU, is an expert on Airport dynamics, having watched all of the Airplane movies and having been an avid viewer of such Airport-related television programs as LAX starring Heather Locklear and "Wings" starring Timothy Daly. "You can't really blame the airport in this instance," Jones tells us. "They are under a lot of pressure to keep passengers safe and who ever said an 11 month old couldn't be scary?" A representative for the airport in question had this to say in agreement: "Okay, so we made a bad call. But who cares? Babies are annoying on flights. Everybody complains about them. People who say otherwise are just lying. We should have babies banned from flights." When asked if the airport was involved in a weird conspiracy to kick all its infants off of flights, the representative declined from answering, taking a Katie Holmes approach to indirect answers. "I love Tom," the representative said. "He is so amazing and I am so in love." While details remain unclear on the true motivation behind the airports unwillingness to speak with us, it is becoming ever-more increasingly evident that this story has gone on for far too long. - Jonathan Riggins