Email me: sergiusmagnus@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: All BTVS and Angel characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Kennedy: Hi, I’m Kennedy. But you can call me Patton.
Wood: Right…
Kennedy: Isn’t it fun, how I’m getting the audience to hate me?
Wood: Yeah, but why? Aren’t you afraid they’ll kill you off the show?
Kennedy: Nah. Willow will skin’em all if they try.
Willow: NO, I won’t!
Wood: Oh, hi.
Willow: Um, oops, hi. Um, we’re getting ready for that, um, school dance thing... Bring it on! *chuckle*
Eliza: Note to self: kick Willow’s ass when I return for that inside quip.
Wood: This is getting stranger and stranger…
Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth, bub.
Wood: Can we go see the nice vampire now?
Buffy: Ah, don’t worry. Willow isn’t evil anymore. And anyway, Kennedy wears the combat boots in the relationship.
Willow: BUFFY!!!
Wood: Definitely, let’s go see the nice, regular vampire. I need a break.

Buffy: Spike, you remember Principal Wood… I’m just showing him around the house.
Wood: Boy, it sure is dark down here… Spike, come closer so I can glare at you.
Spike: This close enough? *glare*
Wood: Almost. Come closer so I can feel your fiendish breath and the viewers can get worried about our western-style standoff. *glare glare*
Spike: I don’t breathe. *GLARE*
Wood: Then how come I can smell your breakfast? *GLARE GLARE*
Spike: Not my fault. We were out of Weetabix. Had to have the sardines.
Wood: And you can say that and still pretend to be good?
Spike: Go ahead. Make my day. *harmonica music plays*
Buffy: OK, time to go look at the weapons chest!
Clint Eastwood: Awww, but I’m not finished taking notes!

Wood: Here’s the Emergency Kit.
Dawn: *zip* OK, we have a few stakes, some holy water, a… Stayin’ Alive CD?
Wood: It was 1977. My mother didn’t wanna die. *chortle*
Dawn: Um… disco shoes and an Afro comb?
Wood: Hey, my mother had a keen fashion sense!
Xander: Seems like Slayer “Emergency Kits” don’t change much over the years.
Buffy: I resent that.

Buffy: *tease tease chatter chatter laugh laugh*
Dawn: *chatter chatter tease* GAK!!!
Buffy: *stare*
Kennedy: What’s going on? GAK!!!
Buffy: Dawn, get a knife.
Kennedy: Oh no… You don’t suppose she hung herself because of my evil drill sergeant attitude, do ya?
Chloe/The First: No I didn’t…
Buffy: What. Did. You. Do!
Chloe/The First: We only talked all night, really. I told her what she could expect as the Slayer. Screwing vampires, having your best friend go evil and, worst of all…
Buffy: *shudder*
Chloe/The First: …ending up with mom hair. That’s when she…
Buffy: EVIL!!! GET OUT, NOW!!!

Buffy: Um… hi. I’m Buffy? The Slayer?
Shadow men (translated): We know who you are. And why you’re here.
Buffy: Hey, cool, I can understand Swahili! How come?
Shadow men (translated): Maybe because we’re inside your brain. But also because we have this universal translator we got from Star Trek.
Buffy: Um… cool… I think. Look, I came here for a reason.
Shadow men: We can’t give you more ratings.
Buffy: Awwwww!!!
Shadow men: But we can give you power. It involves being chained in a cave and having to breathe black mist. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Buffy: Uuuhhh, would you settle with giving me First-Slayer dreadlocks instead?
Shadow men: We will clobber you with our staves now.

Buffy: *snap* It’s always the staff.
Shadow man: OK, OK, I’ll give you what you really came for. I’ll show you with this cool mind-meld technique I learned on Star Trek.
Buffy: OK, one more Trek reference and I’m going Klingon on you. What do you want to show me anyway?
Shadow man: It’s our music video.
Buffy: You made a music video?
Shadow man: Yes. What did you think the folkloric costumes were for anyway? We call ourselves the Shadow Men.
Buffy: How very… Giles of you.
Giles: I heard that!
Shadow man: Oh, come on! Let me show you our video, pleeeaaase! It has lots of extras. Maybe Joss will even want to sell it.
Buffy: *groan* Alright, show it to me.
Shadow man: Here goes.
Buffy: GYAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Willow: I’m sorry, it’s just, y’know, the way this thing works. The magics.
Kennedy: Yeah, well. I’m not too sure I like it.
Willow: Is there something I can do to make it better?
Kennedy: Actually, there is.
Willow: Name it. I’ll do it.
Kennedy: Would you… put on the combat boots? Just for me?
Willow: *sigh* Alright. *Lace lace lace* There. Happy? Now what?
Kennedy: DROP TO THE FLOOR AND GIVE ME 20!!!
Willow: *groan* Where’s Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?

Buffy: Willow, what he showed me… I can’t fight it. I just can’t!
Willow: What did he show you?
Buffy: Thousands of Turok-Hans called the BackstUbie Boys dancing and singing “Get Down, Get Down, and Kill it all around.”
Willow: We’re doomed.