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Disclaimer: All BTVS and Angel characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Giles: Keep up, Chao-Ann… Yes, I believe I defeated the Bringer by years of training, and instinct…
Spike: *tackle*
Giles: AAAAHHH!!!
Spike: *Feel feel feel*
Chao-Ann (translated): Are you people all opium addicts?

Giles: Oh, hello. We went shopping for clothes and other items for Chao-Ann.
Chao-Ann (subtitled): If you don’t return that “made in Taiwan” stake to the store this instant, I will hurt you. Bad.
Buffy: What’s she saying?
Giles: Ah, um, she’s saying that she looks forward to using all her new “made in Taiwan” weapons. I thought she might appreciate a little touch of home.
Chao-Ann (nodding and grinning, untitled): Yes, you’d better return them. I know Chinese tortures that you’ve never even imagined.

Buffy: Now where would a principal keep something evil… Oh, hello, wall cabinet!
Wall cabinet: Don’t open me. I’m evil.
Buffy: Evil? How can a wall cabinet be evil?
Wall cabinet: My whiteboard can’t be erased except by holy water.
Buffy: I knew it!!!

Lyssa: It’s hot coco!
Xander: Well, sometimes I have trouble sleeping.
Lyssa: Not after tonight you won’t.
Xander: *gulp*
Lyssa: Waiter, I’ll have a red eye.
Xander: *You* are having a red eye?
Lyssa: Yes. Consider it… an appetizer. *snicker*
Xander: *GULP*

Willow: You SHOWED her these???
Giles: Well, they’re, um, educational.
Dawn: HOLY CRAP!!!
Giles: Ah yes. The Turok Han breaking Buffy in half.
Dawn: Hey, there’s one I can’t figure out – she has black hair and she’s holding something.
Giles: Um… it’s…
Kennedy: Well, what is it?
Dawn: Omigod, it’s a skin!!!
Willow: GILES!!!

Dawn: So what did Chao-Ann do when she saw the flashcards?
Giles: Um, she just smiled at me and went upstairs to read a book. Confucius, I believe.
(Upstairs)
Chao-Ann (translated): *flip* Hu Yi’s water-drop torture… *flip* Lao Min’s heart-attack-from-pleasure torture…

Buffy: A back alley? You’re taking me to dinner in a back alley?
Wood: Hey, it’s Sunnydale’s best kept secret! And it’s the only one that boasts the Principal-with-something-to-hide special.
Buffy: Anything else you wanna tell me?
Wood: Just wait till you try the dead-Slayer-mother soufflé.

Xander: I KNEW it! And you didn’t even finish your red eye before going evil!
Lyssa: Who needs a red eye when I can have a red body?
Xander: *GULP* Say, I did tell you that I know absolutely nothing about ropes, right?
Lyssa: Don’t worry, I didn’t follow your advice.
Xander: You didn’t? *Phew*
Lyssa: Actually I bought them an inch bigger.
Xander: Bummer.

Buffy: Mmm, this is the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth!
Wood: They soak the pears directly in vengeful-son brandy.
Buffy: Um, Spike? What’re you doing here?
Spike: It’s Xander.
Wood: I’ll get a doggie bag for the secretely-buried-Jonathan vanilla rolls.

Buffy: Do we have to do this scene in your SUV?
Wood: Hey, do you know how much I paid for this beauty? And besides, we have to show that *some* people on this show make money.
Buffy: I want a raise. Now.
Wood: Hee hee hee!
Buffy: *WHACK*
Wood: You’re serious, aren’t you?
Buffy: *Glare*
Wood: Um… I’ll think about it. Spike, what do you think?
Spike: Uh, nice anti-reflection rearview mirror you have there.

Xander: OK, that’s it. I’m going gay. Willow, gay me up!
Willow: What???
Xander: Gay me up!
Larry’s Ghost: Yeah, gay him up already!
Buffy: Oh no, the First!
Larry’s Ghost: I wanted to be the first, but Xander wouldn’t. *snicker* He had Cordelia instead.
Xander: Oh, uh, eh… Well, you heard the man! Gay me up! I’m mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now.
Andrew: Mmm, Captain Archer…

Meanwhile on Enterprise…
Captain Archer: Uh oh… Trip, we need warp speed NOW!
Subcommander T’Pol: Captain, may I point out that this is an opportunity for first contact…
Archer: Not the kind of first contact I had in mind. Lieutenant Reed, load all weapons!
Reed: Torpedoes, sir?
Archer: Nothing less than phase cannons will do, Lieutenant.