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Disclaimer: All BTVS and Angel characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Screen: “Conversations with Dead People”
Picard: Data! I need to know the date! What’s today’s date!
Joss: Just look at the screen, bub. It’s flashing on right now.
Screen: “November 12, 2002”
Picard: Dammit, Q! Take me back to my own time!
Screen: “8:01 PM”
Joss: Sorry, Jean-Luc, your 60-second cameo is up. Anyway, this episode is Conversations with Dead People, not Conversations with Dead Shows.

Dawn: Anchovies, anchovies, yummy and delicious, I love you more than all other fishes!
Anchovies’ ghosts: We love you too, Dawnie.
Dawn: Yikes!

Radio: Salsa, salsa, rhumba, rhumba, chaka, chaka…
Dawn: *dance dance dance*
Radio: Salsa, salsa *critch* Welcome to Joyce-FM, the only radio that plays all-dead, all-night commercial-free…
Dawn: Eep.

Cassie: She wants to talk to you. She’s asking…
Willow: What? What is Tara asking???
Cassie: …she’s asking if you remember…
Willow: What? What do I remember???
Cassie: … if you remember that Weeping Willow joke in the Tabula Rasa parody last year. She’s still laughing it, even if you can’t hear her.
Willow: I will tear that smirk off your face with my bare hands.

Holden: Uh… did my face just change?
Buffy: Yup, now you really look dead. Kinda looks good on ya.
Holden: Can we get to the fighting now?

Holden: Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: I think he was referring to Faith, not me. After all, she was the one wearing that trashy Elvira dress.
Faith: Buffy, I’m coming back for a few episodes, and I still know the meaning of payback.
Buffy: Really? You got a dictionary in jail?
Faith: And I had time to learn a thing or two about “alternate sexuality”.
Buffy: Sorry Holden, I have to run for my life now.

Monster (writing): “MOTHER’S MILK IS RED TODAY”
Dawn: Oh yeah? Well, so is the daughter’s whine.
Monster (writing): “WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE DUCT TAPE?”

Jonathan: I ain’t going back to the big house. That place changes a man.
Gay demon from “Seeing Red”: Yes, and I believe you have the butt to show for it, my little man.
Jonathan and Andrew: GYYAAAAAHHHH!!!

Jonathan: Echo 2 to Echo 1, do you read…
Andrew: Echo 1 to Echo 2, go ahead.
Jonathan: Echo 2 to Echo 1, do you think he’s gone?
Gay demon: Echo 3 to Echo 2, the bed is ready and waiting.
Echo 1 and Echo 2: GYYAAAAAHH!!!

Warren: If short round can pull it off, we’ll both become gods.
Andrew: OK, question. If I’m to become a god, can I not look like a two-dimensional cut-out like you do?
Warren: If you dare call me Captain Cardboard, I’ll twist your head off.

Dawn: I cast you out! I cast you out! Get out, get out, GET OUT!!!
Monster: OK, that’s it. I get paid for shattered windows, not shattered eardrums. I’m outta here.

Andrew: Echo 1 to Echo 2 - do you read…
Jonathan: Echo 2 to Echo 1 - go ahead.
Andrew: Echo 1 to Echo 2 - you know that thing about “It eats you starting with your bottom?”
Jonathan: Echo 2 to Echo 1 - yeah, what about it?
Andrew: Echo 1 to Echo 2 - I think our friend Echo 3 out there pretty much solved that mystery.
Jonathan: Echo 2 to Echo 1 - I hate you.

Cassie: You must never, ever do a magic spell again.
Willow: Why? What did you see on my path??? It’s that horrible???
Cassie: Yes, it was. I don’t think the fans can stand to look at that black-haired, Borg Queen look again.
Willow: OK, that’s it. You’re getting a taste of Hecate.
Hecate: Forget it. I’m not talking to you. You bungled that spell on RJ last week, you rank, arrogant amateur.
Willow: AMATEUR? I’ll show you who’s amateur, you stupid goddess!!!
Cassie: Um, hello… evil here…
Willow and Hecate: Shut up!!!

Buffy: I feel like I’m worse than anyone else. I’m beneath them, really. By the way, what’s your fee?
Holden: Two plump teenagers for a one-hour session OK with you?
Buffy: Why do I ask these stupid questions?
Holden: Because you’re worse than anyone else?
Buffy: *WHACK*

Jonathan: It’s here.
Andrew: How do you know it’s here?
Jonathan: Well, didn’t you see that two-dimensional Warren pointing to the ground?
Andrew: *gulp*
Jonathan: Hmmm, that’s strange, though… How could that Warren cutout be here?
Warren: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Joyce: Hello, Dawn.
Dawn: Mom!!! It’s really you!!!
Joyce: Yes, honey. How did you know it was me?
Dawn: Well, I saw your ghost car parked in the driveway.
Joyce: How did you know…
Dawn: Only car with shattered windows. What, they don’t have air conditioning in Heaven?
Joyce: Figures. Listen, Dawn, I’m here to tell you that something’s coming and Buffy won’t be taking your side this time (thank God!). Have fun, kid. Wish I was there. Well, not really, but I gotta sound all nice and angelic.
Dawn: *sigh*

Holden: Spike was the guy that sired me.
Buffy: SPIKE sired you???
Holden: Yup. I really like the guy. I guess you could say I’m his biggest… fang. *chortle*
Buffy: *STAKE*
Holden: Definitely no sense of humor… *poof*

Joyce: Well, I better get going… I have an evil radio station to run and I’m afraid there’s…
Dawn: Oh no, another bad pun coming up!
Joyce: … dead air.
Dawn: I knew it. Say, tell me in advance next time you drop in. I’ll have more time to whip up the exorcism.

Jonathan: We should be close to it now… Hey, who put that cardboard Warren cut-out there?
Andrew: *STAB* *Push*
Warren: Thanks.
Andrew: Don’t mention it.

Dawn: Phew, it’s all over…
Anchovies’ ghosts: That’s what you think.
Dawn: AAAAAA!!!

Willow: Buffy, don’t you find it strange that Xander didn’t get a ghost?
Buffy: Didn’t you see him on the scale earlier? I think he got a visit from all those doughnuts and Ho-Ho’s he ate. *snicker*
Xander: I heard that.
Willow: No, but seriously, Xander, who did you get a visit from?
Larry’s ghost: He’s never telling.
Xander: I’m never telling.