Rating: PG-13

Feedback: Yes please. slayage@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Duh

Spoilers: Not much, up to season 5 I guess. Hopefully everyone reading this has see eps up to there, otherwise, that’s kinda sad

Timeline: During season 5, before ‘Into the Woods’

 

I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist instinctively. He buries his face in my hair, and I feel him exhale against the back of my neck. He’s so warm.

I wrap the sheet tighter around my body.

It’s so ironic. The man that’s warm makes me cold, the one that was cold heated me right down to the core. Riley loves me more than anything. I know he does. And on some level, I love him as well. But it’s not the kind of love where I’m suffocating if his hands aren’t touching me, if his lips aren’t pressed against mine. It’s nice when they are, sure, but I think I could survive without them.

That’s how I know I’m not *in* love.

With him - the other him - the slightest brush of our hands would make me shiver, would send a wonderful chill down my spine. But I know that I’ll never have that feeling again, no matter how badly I want it. *He* left *me*, I keep reminding myself. It was his choice. This is what he wanted for me, how he wanted my life. And I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted that my life is with Riley now. That he’s the one I have to pretend owns my heart and soul. I sometimes wonder how long it’ll take him to figure out that I don’t really belong to him, that I never will.

Angel doesn’t need me like I need him. I think that maybe he used to, but not anymore. If he did, he would’ve come back to me. He wouldn’t be able to go on living without me.

I’m not living, not really. On the outside, sure. I laugh, I joke, I kiss Riley’s soft, warm lips and pretend he has this inexplicable effect on me. I put on the façade.

But my heart is cold, and dead. I’m completely numb now. To everything. I must be a really great actress, because no one sees it. Not even Riley. The one who spends the most time with me, the one who’s supposed to know me best...and he doesn’t notice a thing. What does that tell you? I love my friends, and I care about Riley.

But I’ll never fall in love again.

The first step he took away from me on Graduation, he made sure of that. And each step he took after that shattered yet another piece of my heart. I won’t let that happen again, even if it could. But...

There aren’t any pieces left to shatter.

So I’ll keep on this mask, for as long as I possibly can. I’ll deal with the consequences later.

Riley shifts against me, shallowly coming out of his deep sleep. I hear him mumble ‘I love you’ quietly against my hair. Tears form in my eyes as I stare blankly at my bedroom wall.

"I love you, too."

If you can’t be with the one you love…

Love the one you’re with.

FINIS