Buffy: Power. He’s got it, you don’t.
Vampire: Um, excuse me…
Buffy: Besides, you’re a little girl…
Dawn: Woman.
Vampire: Um, hey…
Buffy: For God’s sake, what?
Vampire: I think I’m stuck… My foot’s caught on a root or something.
Buffy: *sigh* *PULL* OK, where was I… Oh, yeah. Not me, you idiot, she’s the one with the stake! Attack!!!
Vampire: Oh, um… do I really have to go after her?
Dawn: Oh great. Here’s me basking in the love.
Vampire: See what I mean?
Buffy: Remember that thing about you having the power and her being a little girl?
Dawn: I’m not a little girl!!! Get out, get out, GET OUT!!!
Vampire: OK, tell you what, you got the power, alright? I’m out of here.
Dawn: I think I’m gonna like this slaying stuff. *grin*
Buffy: *groan*

Willow: It’s all connected. I can feel it… We’re all connected…
Giles: Calm down, Willow. I told you England did have Internet service.

Giles: Do you want to be punished?
Willow: I just want to be W… Wait! Would the punishment involve a spanking? Please, please? Pretty please? A spanking! A spanking!
Giles: Let’s leave Monty Python aside and just stick to being connected.

Principal Wood: The name’s Robin Wood. I’m the new principal.
Buffy: I’m Buffy. And you’re bald.
Principal Wood: Well, at least I don’t have mom hair.
Buffy: *WHACK* Say, the last principal was bald too. And he was eaten. Think it’s a coincidence?

Dawn: I love to dance. I love music. I like Britney Spears’ early work, as well as the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls…
Buffy: DAWN!!! We have to get out of here! It’s not safe!
Dawn: But…
Student: Actually, with that kind of musical tastes, we were thinking we weren’t safe…

Halfrek: The waitress downtown wished her husband was a frog. You made him French!
Anya: He’s smelly! And with the little mustache, he…
Woman guitarist, arguing with male: You jerk! I wish you were a snake, you ugly python!!!
Halfrek: (Here’s your chance, Anyanka…)
Anya: Done.
Male guitarist: Sir Robin ran away, away, Sir Robin ran away…
Halfrek: ANYANKA!!! She asked for a python, not Monty Python!!!
John Cleese: OK, one more pun about us and I’m suing.

Kit: I’m Kit. But you can call me Willow.
Dawn: Huh?
Kit: Don’t you know I was cast as part of you very own Scooby Gang?
Dawn: I have a Scooby Gang? Uh, wait… You want me to call you Willow, and you have black hair… *gulp*
Kit: And I see dead people. Say, let’s leave. Bored now.
Dawn: Oh, look at the nice hole in the floor! *PUSH*

Willow: It’s all connected. I can see the roots… the roots are showing…
Giles: Yes, well, you are sitting beneath a tree.
Willow: I was talking about Spike’s hair. He’s back in Sunnydale.

Carlos: Hi. My name is Carlos, and I love basements. Don’t you?
Dawn: I’d say we found our brand-new Xander.
Xander: Hey! I resent that. Anyway, it was just for a year and a half…
Carlos: You guys hungry? I’ve got some Ho-Ho’s…
Dawn: I rest my case.

Willow: It’s all connected…
Giles: Willow, please cut it out!
Willow: But the earth… I saw its teeth…
Giles: No doubt it’s just sneering at your incoherent babbling
Willow: Babbling!?! OK, let’s see how you prefer this babbling - Hecate, hear my plea, do thy will…
Giles: Alright, alright, so you say it’s all connected…

Dawn: So you and Kit know each other?
Carlos: Oh yeah, we met in kindergarten. Kit cried because she broke the green crayon…
Kit: Did not!
Dawn: This is very scary.

Buffy: So what do you want? Fear? Vengeance? Tasty brains?
Zombie #1: Brains? Really, how shallow of you. Grow up, girl. We zombies don’t eat brains. And actually, we prefer to be called “remotely-operated human remains”, if you don’t mind.
Zombie #2: That’s right. Brains, really! Folk tales, all of it…
Zombie #3: Although we do enjoy eyeballs.
Buffy: *WHACK*

Buffy: Spike, what did you do…?
Spike: I… tried to carve your name in my chest while having the hiccups and sitting on a vibrating bed.
Buffy: Boy, and they say I’m weird.

Dawn: So… are you going to fall in love with me until I hook up with a vampire whom you will hate year after year, suck face with the school floozy and then leave a vengeance demon at the altar?
Carlos: That’s the general plan.
Dawn: Just checking... BUFFY!!!

Buffy: Xander must’ve found the talisman. OK, let’s go back upstairs… Oh, hello, what are you doing here?
Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people…
Kit, Carlos and Dawn: Sorry, kid. Been there, done that.

Spike: I had the speech. I learned it all. Oh God, she won’t understand…
Warren: Of course she won’t understand, Sparky. She’s sugar and spice, useless unless you’re cooking.
Glory: So are you, Warren. De-skinned and de-fatted… now it’s time to meet the skillet. After all… your plan to take over Sunnydale didn’t “pan” out… *snicker snicker*
Mayor Wilkins: Well, gosh, Glory, I don’t see you running around in that Hell dimension of yours. I guess someone locked ya out and threw away the Key, huh?
Glory: Mayor Meat, extra-crispy. You and the skinless guy would go together well with a bottle of red wine. As for me… you know, I don’t think there’s a human word fabulous enough for me…
Adam: How about “skanky”?
Glory: Stay out of this, Tinkertoy. Either that or roast your pals Mayor Meat and Skinless Warren on that skewer of yours.
Adam: Don’t listen to them, Number 17. They are insignificant. Everything is well within parameters.
Master: Oh, why don’t you go shove a can of WD40 up your… uh, parameters? The important thing is, we’re going back to the beginning. Not the Word, not the Bang…
Buffy: Not the Bang? How about the “whack”?
Master: Shut up, little girl. The point is, the coming months are going to be quite a ride. Spike is going to learn he’s a pathetic schmuck, and this guy’s going to write parodies of the show and use us as mouthpieces to make the fans laugh.
Adam: Maybe he’s the true Big Bad, then. We should unite and neutralize him.
Drusilla: No way, Data. And the Master can go… Master-bate.
Spike: You said a bad word! I’m telling!!!
Master: Shut up, Spike. You see, it’s not about right. It’s not about wrong…
Buffy: It’s about time this episode ended. *WHACK*

Grrr… arrgh.