Disclaimer: All characters and so fourth belong to Joss
Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, UPN, and anything else. I'm using this story for my own
sadistic pleasure, nothing else.

Email: NotGrounded2@aol.com
Rated: PG
Summary- Following the events of the season six finale, Willow
reflects on what she has done and she thinks about Tara.

Note: Never done a Willow fic before, if people like it, a
second
part will follow. This could be a sad fic. I want to thank the Amberholics
for
inspiring me to write this and make me stand up and say, "I am an
Amberholic, and proud!" I also want to thank Amy for this, I didn't think I'd
meet an amberholic as cool as you! This fic is dedicated to you cause you've
been a greater fan then me! Thanks girl! Feedback is welcome! Enjoy!

Part one

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Buffy asks. I know she is
concerned, but I wanted to be left alone. I always wanted to be left alone.
"I'm fine Buffy, thanks though." I say. She looks at me one last time. It was
one of her pity looks. :Poor Willow, you're a mess.: Those eyes say. She
walks out. I sit back on my bed. It had been two weeks since I had lost
myself. But then Xander had saved me. I didn't want to come back to the
way I was. Didn't want to be plain ol' Willow. That was a Willow I never
wanted to be again. But something happened when Xander said he loved me
over and over again. It could have been the magick I had taken from Giles,
or maybe it was the shock of hearing Xander telling me he loved me. How
mad I had been! I had wanted to hurt him for loving me. But I couldn't. It
hurt so bad inside. I broke down. Maddened with grief and anger. Angry at
Xander for loving me. Angry at everyone, but especially Tara. How could I
hate her? She was my light when it was dark. My soul mate. She was a part
of me. When she died, I died too. To live without Tara was to not live at
all.
I hated her for dieing. Hated her for leaving me. God I loved her so much.
When she died, I lost myself. Never wanting to be found. My life was
supposed to be simple. Go to college, help Buffy, try to attain a normal
life.
At the time I thought Tara would always be there with me. And when I had
been so selfish and stupid to do that spell to make her forget we fought,
thing changed. When she moved out, I thought we would never be together
again. But we reconciled, and it was great. That was how my life was
supposed to be. Then she was taken away from me, and I knew then, we
would never be together.

                                               Part two 

I walk downstairs, hoping that no one is around. If they were, they would
bombard me with questions. It's like when Buffy got brought back, it was a
re-run of questions for her. If they did that to me, I don't think how I
would
be able to handle it. Looking around in the living room, I see Dawn sitting
watching TV. I figured Buffy was out patrolling, I don't think she would
have left Dawn alone if she didn't think I was capable of looking after her.
Looking up she sees me and smiles. "Willow, hey!" She says. One thing
about Dawn, she knew if you were upset, it was best not to push it or
bombard the person with questions. She herself had gone through that when
she found out she was the Key, and when Joyce died. "Hey Dawnie. What
are you doing?" I ask, trying to sound like everything was ok. Even though
it really wasn't. "Just scanning. Buffy went out to patrol. She didn't want
to
bug you." She says. I nod and sit down. Sometimes silence is a good thing,
to break it would mean the other person is crazy. Other times, silence is
really bad. There was a knock at the door, I get up and open the door.
Xander is standing there. I look at him, not knowing what to say really.
Things were awkward with us now. Maybe it was because he saved me by
telling me he loved me, or maybe it was because I tried to kill him. "Willow,
hey." He says. I step back to let him in. "Hey Xander, what are you doing
here?" I ask. He steps in the living room, Dawn sees him and smiles.
"Figured I'd watch Dawn, she needs someone fun to hang out with." He
says. He instantly winces. "Man sorry Willow, you know me, can't think
before talking." He says. I shrug it off. He was right, I wasn't fun. Trying
to
kill my friends isn't exactly fun to them. "It's ok Xander. Good you came by,
I wanted to take a walk anyway." He nods and I walk out without so much
as a passing glance.

                                              Part three

Main street. A place to meet friends, hangout, or just sit at the Expresso
Pump and watch people. The Expresso Pump. A wave of memories fill my
head. Could it have been a mere month ago when Tara and I sat there,
having coffee and talking like nothing had happened between us? I had
caught her up and all the Slayerette happenings, and she laughed at most of
the stories. I guess they were kinda funny. Then Anya had to come and ruin
the whole thing. I didn't know it at the time, but she was trying to make us
wish something on Xander. Makes me curse Anya for ruining our moment.
How was I supposed to know that a week later she would get killed? I
wasn't some physic. If I could go back in time and make our moments more
memorable, I would. But I can't. I miss her so much. Everything that I was,
was because of her. She gave my life meaning. I loved her for it. The world
didn't know how special she was to me. But she knew. I order a coffee and
sit down in  the same place I sat at with her a mere month ago. Looking out
across the street, I watch the happy couples walk past hand in hand. They
didn't know how much one thing they did could change their lives forever. I
remember my stupid mistake. My moment of selfishness. It was the right
thing to do, or so I figured.


                                            Part four
We had been fighting about magick. I only wanted to help find Dawn, but
she thought I was abusing the power. When we got home, I knew she was
mad. I didn't want her to be. I found a spell of forgetfulness. I was dumb.

"Im sorry ok?"
"It's not that easy."

Tara takes throw pillows off the bed, we were both wearing pajamas.

"Well, what do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back? Cause I
could probably..."

I laugh. Tara gives me a grim look.

"Joke. I don't think I could really.."
"You know what, can we not do this now? I'm tired."

She gets into bed, clearly pissed.

"Okay. Let's just forget it ever happened."

I go over to a side table, pick up a small piece of herb with a couple of
flowers on it, and held it in my palm.

"Forget."

A flash of light moved across the herb, leaving it dead a wilted.

                                            Part five
Selfish. That's the only word that comes to mind when I think about that
night. Tara was right. She was always right. I was abusing the magick, I
didn't want to see it. Too self absorbed to care, too power hungry to see I
was hurting the ones I loved. But Tara knew. She loved me so much. So she
wanted a break. It was more then a break really, I had to prove my love with
stopping my use of magick. She had found out I did that spell to make her
forget. I don't blame Dawn, she didn't know I did that to Tara. I knew she
was just trying to help me. But in my state then, I didn't care. But I did
care
when she left. I sat there in the bathroom thinking about what I had done. It
was stupid. I thought I had lost her forever. How mad Dawn had been! She
wouldn't even talk to me. But how happy she had been when she saw Tara
and I in the hall. Dawn loved Tara more then her own sister. Tara was
always there when Buffy wasn't. I get up out of my chair, leaving me
undrinken coffee. I would never sit there again, the pain was too great.

                                          Part six
UC Sunnydale. It's funny, part of my plan was to graduate from there. Now
it seemed pointless. Now it has to meaning without her. The halls, cold and
empty. The classes, small and uninteresting. The people, zombies. What was
the point to go back? Go back like nothing had changed. Come back and see
all the happy people that don't have a care in the world. Everyone would tell
me to go back, graduate, make something of myself. They just didn't realize
that without Tara, I was nothing. Just another person in the crowd. Walking
around I'm glad that the people were on vacation. I didn't want to deal with
people at the moment. The people who didn't have to worry about the world
ending, fighting vampires and demons. They just wanted to make it through
college. Walking down the halls was like walking towards my doom in a
way. These halls were filled with too many memories. Good and bad. Happy
moments with Tara, sad moments without her. I approach her dorm room,
get the spare key out of my pocket, and enter the room. This room was full
of memories. Everything I looked at, everything I touched had the memory
of her inbeded in it. And the bed... I smile at all of our moments. Sitting
there talking, doing spells, cuddling. I walk over to her desk, going through
it. Looking for something, a picture maybe. Just something with her
essence. Something catches my eye, it's a poem I got from a book I liked. I
remember I put it there because I was going to give it to Tara. But I forgot
about it.

"She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.
And all that's best of dark and light meet in her aspect and her eyes. Thus
mellowed to that tender light which heaven to gaudy day denies."

Tears well up in my eyes as I finish reading it. Tara was more beautiful then
the sky. Her light surrounded everything she touched. But now that light
was gone, it was dark. Always dark. The light would never be there again. I
know she was in heaven. Of course she was, Tara never harmed a soul.
Always happy, always sweet, always loving, and I loved her for it. Looking
around, I know this will be my last time in here. I can't come back, her
essence will always be here, haunting me until I cannot take it anymore. I
loved her. I loved this place so much, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to
take
comfort in her things. I wanted to hold them, and know things were gonna
be okay because I was here, in her room. The place where I would always
feel safe. But the memories! Oh god the memories! They surrounded me
like clouds! I didn't want to forget this place, because then I would forget
her. I couldn't! I would never forget, never forget her. I loved her too
much.

                                               Part seven
Life wasn't worth living without her, I knew that. It was hard for me to get
up everyday for those two months without her. Now I was supposed to
spend the rest of my life without her. I couldn't do that. When Oz left, I
was
torn apart inside. Didn't think I could live another day without him. But
then
I met Tara and things changed, I changed. Everyday was so perfect with her.
Then Oz came back. Things were so confusing. There was Tara, and then
there was Oz. I loved Oz, but I also loved Tara. More then anything I had
wanted Oz to come back. I had wanted my life to be with him. But then I
realized I loved Tara. I still love Oz, always will, but I loved Tara in a
different way. Our love was special, different then any other love I had
known. Then she was taken away from me by the last person I had expected,
Warren. A nerd. A human. A rage of anger pulsates throughout my body.
Tara wasn't supposed to die like that. If anything she was supposed to die
doing something great like fighting the forces of darkness. And NOT by
getting shot by some nerd. But oh I had made Warren pay. A smile is
brought to my lips as I think about what I did to him. It was wrong to kill
him, yes I knew that. But I by god wasn't going to let Tara's killer run
free,
or get put in jail! He had to pay for destroying my light, my life! And pay
he
did. But that was a me I never wanted to be again, I'd make sure of that.
Tara never would have wanted me to kill someone, but I had to do it. For
her, for me, for us. I loved her too much to do nothing.

                                          Part eight
"Buffy? Dawn? Are you guys home?" I say as I walk in the house. No
answer. I walk over to the coffee table, there's a note on it. "Willow, I'm
out
patrolling with Xander, Dawn is at Janice's. I'll try not to be late.-Buffy"
I
put the note down and walk upstairs, shutting the door behind me. I set the
stuff I had brought back with me and the bed. I had taken a few things from
Tara's room. One of her favorite shirts, a gray one with green and blue
stripes going across it, a necklace I had once given her, an amulet with
sometimes did spells with, the crystal her grandmother had given her and
she tried to give me but I refused, and a picture of her I had taken at her
birthday party last year at the Bronze. It was a really happy night for her,
and I wanted to capture the moment forever. I sit on the bed and spread the
things around me, picking each up, looking at them, setting them down
carefully, missing her more then ever. Right then I wish she was with me, in
my arms, promising her that I would always protect her, always would be
there for her, and I would always find her. I look at the picture, studied
her
face, never wanting to forget what she looked like. Etching her face in my
mind. Her eyes, her lips, her entire being. I miss her so much. My heart
aches for her. More then anything I wanted to be with her. One day I will
though, but not now. Now I must live, for her. Staring at the picture, I
finally realize I'm saying good-bye. The memories would never fade. I won't
let them. I love her still, love her too much to forget. I look at the
picture
once more, missing her more. "Good-bye." I whisper, and I kiss the picture
lightly. I'm over come with a sudden need to sleep. Setting the picture down
by me, I rest my head on my pillow and fall asleep.

                                            Part nine
A light spreads across the room, a distant rumble of earth shaking fills the
silent place. Willow, deep in sleep, does not stir, does not wake. A body
appears and the floor, fully clothed and shaking. It's a girl with long
blonde
hair, and blue eyes. She lifts her head, surveying her surroundings, not
knowing where she is, or how she got there. She gets up shakily. There is
someone asleep on the bed, red hair like fire, cheeks smeared with tears.
Eyes deep in sleep. The girl walks over to the bed, staring at the girl,
fixated. She looks at the girls hand, there's a picture by it, a picture of
her!
She looks at the picture, she must of been happy then. She sits lightly on
the
bed, an odd sense of comfort in this girls presence, like she should be with
her, take her in her arms and tell her its okay. She holds out her arm,
lightly
stroking the girls red like fire hair. Then the girls eyes open and she
stares at
the blonde in disbelief, is she dreaming? The girl withdrawals her hand. The
redhead sits up. "Tara?" She says. The blonde looks at her, coming to the
realization of who this girl is, and a faint sense of who she is. "Willow?"
Willow nods slightly. The girl smiles. "Willow!" Then her eyes go blank
and she falls on the bed.

                                           The End