Buffy : Hey, a demon! You wouldn't have happened to see three nerds, would ya?
Demon : Yes, but I'm not supposed to tell you.
Buffy : All right, then I guess we'll have to fight.
Demon : That's what I get paid for.
Buffy : Not enough, obviously. You're in need of some serious makeup foundation.
Demon : I resent that.
Buffy : Watcha gonna do about it?
Demon : Could you turn your arm this way a bit?
Buffy : What for? OW!
Demon : Sorry kid. It's in my contract. Have fun at the funny farm... Hey, fun at the funny farm! I made a word pun!

  Buffy : Aieeeeee!
Nurse : It's OK, Buffy, it's OK...
Buffy : No! No! Please, no more bad word puns!

  Xander : Hey guys, I'm back.
Willow : So, I guess you didn't find your long-lost Faith in that motel room?
Xander : Um... no. Did Anya say anything before she obviously left?
Buffy : She mentioned something about going with Halfrek to purchase some Spanish Inquisition equipment.
Xander : Oh, no!
Willow : Buffy, we weren't supposed to tell! It was gonna be a surprise!

  Buffy : Oh look. Spike with groceries. You didn't buy some Weetabix, did you?
Spike : No, actually went with oatmeal this time. I'm going to make me a nice batch of haggis.
Buffy : And here I thought you weren't evil anymore. That's it, I'm staking you!

  Doctor : Hello there, Buffy. Welcome to my asylum. I'm a doctor, even though I look like Benjamin Sisko. Actually, I'm him.
Buffy : Can I have another doctor?

  Buffy : Mom?
Joyce : Hey, sweetie...
Buffy : How can you be here? You're dead!
Joyce : You flooded my house, broke my furniture and thought I wouldn't take revenge?
Buffy : What are you going to do to me?
Joyce : Nothing, really. Just introduce you to your real father.
Principal Snyder : Hello, Buffy. Welcome back.
Buffy : Aieeeeee!  

Benjamin Sisko : She's created this world where she's a superhero, fighting all kinds of evil. But lately, it's been coming apart. Since the Cardassian Empire fell...
Buffy : Cardassian Empire? Where do you think you are, Deep Space Nine or something?
Benjamin Sisko : Play nice, girl. Or I'll stun you with my phaser.  

Willow : Buffy, you've never been in an institution...
Buffy : Yes I have.
Willow : But Sunnydale High doesn't count...
Buffy : Then how come Principal Snyder is my dad in that other reality?
Willow : Xander, get that antidote! Get it NOW!  

Spike : Hah! I know that demon's name! I could beat you at Scrabble with that demon's name!
Xander : You keep getting on my nerves, the only thing you're ever gonna be able to beat me at is Scrabble.

  Buffy : I should be taller than you.
Dawn : Maybe you're not done growing. What made me tall is all that...
Buffy : Dawn, don't say it!!!
Dawn : ... Weetabix.
Buffy : That does it! I'm moving to the other reality!

  Willow : There you go, Buffy. A cup of gooey antidote. Spike, make sure she drinks it.
Spike : Don't worry, luv. I made it all tasty. Added some spicy haggis to it...
Buffy : *cough* *spill*  

Doctor : You can get rid of the madness. You did it last summer, when you had that three-month flu...
Buffy : Flu? I thought I was dead!
Doctor : Dead? Nah. It was just... a coffin spell. *chuckle*
Buffy : Really, any other doctor will do. Pleeease...  

Buffy : Hey Will, wanna go to the kitchen so I can clobber you and get healthy again?
Willow : You know, when I wanna get healthy I usually go for veggies. Or smart drinks. Or even Weetabix...
*CLOBBER*  

Buffy : A girl who sleeps with a vampire she hates? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dawn : Sure it does. You're the Slayer. You have to relax sometimes... Especially when there's a lot at... stake.
Buffy : That's it. I'm gonna give a whole new meaning to the expression «Throw away the Key»

  Buffy : Hmmm. Let's see what happens if I free Mr. Waxy Demon here.
Dawn : Maybe now would be a good time to try my famous Exorcist shriek? Get out, get out, GET OUT!!!
Demon : Sorry kid. Wax in my ears.
Dawn : Drats! Mmmph.
Buffy : Duct tape. Just two bucks at the cornerstore, and it should get me a fan appreciation award.  

Buffy : WILLOW!!!
Joyce : It's OK, Buffy. It's all in your mind...
Buffy : That's my favorite shirt she's wearing! The demon just tore it to pieces!
Joyce : OK, time for your medication.  

Buffy : I'm so sorry...
Dawn : Get out, get out, GET OUT!!!
Buffy : Then again... where's that duct tape?  

Doctor : Nope. No reaction. We"ve lost her.
Joyce : Isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor : Sure. We'll run an encephalogram on her and wait to see if there's a... Spike. Teehee...
Joyce : Oh, look, what's that she's holding in her hand? Duct tape!
Doctor : Mmmmph!