This week I wanted to spend a little time sharing with you wonderful people about a good friend of mine I’ve happened to have known now for...well...practically my entire life. This friend has been with me now for several years and I just don’t feel enough appreciation is ever offered to show just how much we as a website would be at a loss without them present here. In fact, without this particular friend, this article series would have never even been in existence. That’s right. This particular friend happens to be our good old buddy H2O.

Scientists know this friend of mine by popular (and extended) name of Hydrogen 2 Oxygen. Other, more traditional, households refer to this device as “water”...or clear liquid that make tummy feel yummy. And then there are the teeny boppers who still today refer to my pal as the latest Halloween flick.

Early Western philosopher Thales believed that we as human beings all came from the arche, or first original substance by which all present things in the world come from. This arche, in his view, was to be H2O...or water, for any idiots out there who aren’t paying attention.

Water accounts for the vast majority of our bodies. We can only go a matter of a few days without replenishing ourselves with it. So it makes perfect sense that this was what his view was...as it is mine. I believe in worshipping the all-powerful source of nutrition just like any other blue-blooded American should. In fact, I highly recommend you all stop reading this article right now and head over to your water faucets to get in touch with your hydrogen sides. If we all would only just take a few seconds out of each and every day to thank our simple tap water for the good it does for us...the world would be a better place.

Why? Because we’d all be so fucking loony that nobody would care anymore.
And what the fuck am I smoking?

Okay, okay. Here we go. New topic. Umm...something remotely related to the Buffyverse. Right, right. Let’s see...

Spike and Buffy? Any takers for Spuffy? Oh, good. I see a few hands raised there in the back. That seems appropriate for this week’s topic since I’m not going to have a lot of time to chat about it. After all, who really cares when it comes to these two?

Yes, we can definitely tell that I’m scratching at the bottom of the barrel offering this as a source of journalism. But let’s talk about this coupling for a while. Sure. Why not? It was such an odd pairing, wasn’t it? I think at least everyone who watched the show can agree on that. But I also understand that a lot of my viewers aren’t fully aware of this relationship. In fact, according to a recent poll, nearly 60% of my readers don’t even know who Buffy the Vampire Slayer is. Such as the case, I will give this rundown of events to show the history of Buffy and Spike...and show how Spuffy came into being. For those of you already familiar with this awkward relationship, please feel free to skip the next paragraph and move on to proceed with the rest of the article. Here we go...

Spike came to kill Buffy, Buffy kicked him out of town. Spike came back to kill Buffy, Buffy kicked his ass again. Spike became neutered, Buffy kicked his ass some more. Spike lusted over Buffy, Buffy kicked his ass again. Spike did kind things for Buffy, Buffy proceeded to kick his ass yet again. Spike wanted a piece of metal that looked like Buffy so that he could have sex with it, Buffy thought it was sweet and decided to kiss him. Spike protected Buffy, Buffy got killed. Spike lived (in a matter of speaking), Buffy died. Buffy came back. Spike gave her an open ear, Buffy had sex with him. Spike tried to rape her, Buffy kicked him out of her house. Spike wanted his chip removed, instead got his soul back. Spike told Buffy he really wanted his soul back all along, Buffy believed him but didn’t give sex. Spike moved back in with Buffy, Buffy went on a date with someone else. Spike said it didn’t bother him...then kicked the guy’s ass. Buffy was kicked out of her own home, Spike threw a hissy fit. Spike and Buffy had sex, Spike and Buffy fought an apocalypse. Spike gave his life for her, Buffy said she loved him. Spike saw through the lie, Buffy left his ass to die. Buffy lived, Spike died. Funny story, that. But at least now you are all caught up.

And on we go...

Now this is where I give my overexagerated sigh and wish I had picked a different topic. I know for a fact I’m not going to be able to say anything nice in regards to this pairing. As you can see, there isn’t really much to talk about regarding these two. It’s one of the reasons I’ve avoided writing on the subject for so long. It was a ridiculous relationship, almost as ridiculous as Angel and Buffy, itself...if not more-so (that’s right...I’m not giving a preference). Still, Spuffy wasn’t near as ridiculous as Buffy and Riley as a couple. I will say that. Or if you really wanted to see a nightmare, imagine Buffy with Xander. Horrifying. Oh, Mac is going to kill me for writing that.

But in all fairness...Buffy is just incompatible. I believe that’s what her problem is. You’ve got all these guys who are willing to give their all for her, and she never even once really gave them anything back in return. She possibly abused Spike the most out of any of them...perhaps because he was the only one lacking a soul and therefore she didn’t really view it as “real.” Spike seemingly saw through her from the beginning, noting that she didn’t love him not only in Season Seven...but all the way back in Season Five when this obsession first got itself started.

Ya know, it’s kind of weird...but if I had to choose the two smartest things that have ever passed through Spike’s lips in the series...they would have to have been when he said “I know you’ll never love me” in the Season Five finale and then “No you don’t (love me)” in the Season Seven finale. The fact that he knew these two things from the get-go makes him not only smarter than half the cast of characters...but also half the fans who follow the series.

There are a lot of people who love battling between Angel and Spike when it comes to Buffy’s romances...and I’m glad to say I’m not one of them. I hate all her relationships equally. Well...not true. I really hate Riley more. But we’ll keep that at bay sense it’s not important for this particular article.

Truthfully, I’ve never seen anyone so ungrateful in all my life when it comes to building a relationship than the character of Buffy. And perhaps she had good reason to be ungrateful. She, on countless occasions, reminded us all that she was the chosen one and therefore had to go through with the sacrifices and blah blah blah...it just gets repetitive.

Out of all her relationships, though, she possibly put the most effort in with Angel. I did notice that. I can’t say for certain whether she truly “loved” Angel more than Riley or Spike...but I can say that I did notice more effort during the first season and a half. Not that that really matters in the end. Somewhere in Season Two she sort of lost her way and things started becoming blocked. Buffy put up a wall to block people out...and that didn’t really come down...well...ever.

Possibly this could be best attributed to the fact of Buffy’s first death. No doubt a truly horrifying experience for anyone to go through...especially at sixteen years of age. But the fact that she came back to life and realized she had slipped and died at one point....Perhaps that is what spiraled these events to unfold the way they did. Perhaps that could be why the wall was put up...to protect people from the fact she knew she wouldn’t be around forever. In her case, death was probably right around the corner. And indeed we learned that was factually true.

Whether justified or not, however, the fact still remains the same. Buffy never really loved any of her boyfriends. At least, not in the same way that they loved her. This is why the topic of Buffy in relationships really just makes me scratch my head in bewilderment. As I stated last week, follow Willow’s love life if you want to see “true relationships” in the Buffyverse. Willow is the type of character who knew what love meant. Not Buffy. Buffy understood sacrifice, sure. And that is a branch off of love, definitely. But she did not understand what a true bonding relationship was or entailed...and that is what caused her to miss the point entirely. To me, that remained fairly obvious throughout the series.

The fact that she still kissed Angel everytime he showed back up in Sunnydale told us that in many ways that link to the vampire she once had been with was still there. Why? Possibly because he was the last one she ever really attempted to love. Not saying that she ever actually did, mind you. But the attempt was there. I can’t very well deny that. It was around the time when Buffy was learning to juggle her personal life with her professional one, if memory serves me correctly. And sooner than later she would understand what real sacrifice was all about. And as soon as she understood sacrifice, the walls came back up and the attempt seemed to fade away.

Nobody here is disputing that people loved Buffy. All three of the boytoys from her most famous relationships really did. Hell, even Xander did. But as we saw countless times throughout the series, Buffy never once loved any of them back in return. Not the same way, at least:

Angel, her sworn enemy. Riley, the rebound guy. Spike, her soulless toy.

And that, as we clearly saw from the ending sequences to our series...seems to be exactly what the point of Buffy’s relationships really was. And what is that point you ask?

Exactly. It was pointless. Damn, and I was proven right again. Why does that keep on happening?

As Spike uttered the words “No you don’t (love me)” to Buffy in that last scene of his, perhaps he proved to be wiser than any of her other pairings. He seemed to catch on fairly quickly, himself. In Season Five, he knew she would never love him in return. And he was okay with that. Riley had to ask about a gazillion times before he came to that same conclusion. Poor kid. Meanwhile, Spike loved Buffy because of the way Buffy made him feel. And since Buffy was a person who put up so many walls...perhaps there might have been an ounce of that feeling back in return since she never really pushed him away fully. And there was always that clear sense of hesitation.

Truthfully said, we’ll never know.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is about all I have time to say. Well, I’m off to pack my bags for the big convention. Until next time (whenever next time is), remember to stockpile on your season DVDs and the upcoming video game release. I’m off for now. See ya when I get back.