What’s My Line (Part One)? I have to ask this now, because soon I’ll be running out of fuel. It seems we’re way past the Checkpoint of all things Buffy-related. What should I say here anymore? How much I love this program? Could I make a lucrative career out of spouting out at the mouth of the “good old days” when Buffy and the Scoobs saved the day? Or maybe I could use this space to preach on about how much my life will never be the same without that healthy dose of weekly viewing. Oh, don’t worry about me, though. I’ll still get along fine way after Hell’s Bells have rung their final tune come May 20, but not without Some Assembly Required in the psychological realm. I’m pretty sure I’ll be in denial for a few years, but all is still good. Soon as our televisions say “Hush” to Buffy and crew, this writer’s career is walking a thin tight-rope, but I’m cool with it. Even so, I still have to ask, after Buffy ends, What’s My Line (Part Two)?

Well, I may not have an answer to that question. Come to think of it, not even the concept of Entropy may have an answer to that. Not that that really even matters. But I do have a wonderful collection of pointless and meaningless ponderance on the subject of a world without Buffy. In fact, I love this show so much I have decided to place each and every single episode title from the seven year series into this article and piece together a tribute to such a remarkable program. Enjoy.
Or don’t enjoy. It’s your choice really.

So, by show of hands, how many here have walked the walk of a Buffy Lover’s Walk? How many here have addicted their Blood Ties with fandom, or even complete strangers on the street? How many of you have come to the point of calling up neighbors halfway around the world just to discuss the latest eppy? And how many of you know in your hearts that “Tabula Rasa” is not the name of an Italian sandwich? For if you are truly a fan, you know all these things. You’ve done it all, seen it all. And by now, more than likely, you’re Seeing Red. The end is in sight. And even realizing that a certain Superstar who will go unnamed truly was indeed The Yoko Factor to the show’s end, Listening To Fear of career decisions, we will still find it in our hearts to forgive. Why? That’s just what fans do.

It doesn’t take much genius to realize that apart from the Weekly Ascension, most every original article written on HellmouthCentral.com is about The End of Days. Sure, it seems like only yesterday Joss Whedon gave to us all a Welcome to the Hellmouth and introduced us into the mystical world of a small town known as Sunnydale, California. We were Chosen for this experience, selected to undergo the amazing voyage that was this timeless treasure. And now it’s all over. It has come to an end. Some of us will be sad, sure...others scared. Personally, I know enough to say that I will indeed be A New Man, regardless of any emotion I choose to associate myself with from this day forward. Who knows? Perhaps I will even begin to understand that inner person that lays dormant in my spleen...The Real Me.

Truth be told, when I first heard of a program called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I thought I would have to be Out Of My Mind to sit down and watch this show...to even give it a fair chance. But then my First Date with Buffy eventually did come. It came with an episode called “Dopplegangland.” Needless to say, it changed my view entirely. With such wit and such style, I found myself Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered by a program known as Buffy...and soon I began to watch it regularly...some would say more than regularly. When compared to the meaningless garbage which flooded networks at the time, one might have made a fair comparison to Beauty and The Beasts, bringing new found energy to what once was a dull hobby.

Yes, Buffy became The Replacement for an hour each week that beforehand had gone to meaningless sitcom viewing. If only I had known then that there would be Consequences for taking on this fandom, though. The most severe being that one day I would have to let it all go and give it up. This struck me as it struck many others through the coming of Revelations that rocked our worlds beginning sometime shortly after the turn of this new year. 2003 proved to be a land mine indeed for our program, and this time it would be a land mine that not even the scoobs could handle or survive. For this time it would be the end. We each knew in our gut that there would be many Phases to our program, and eventually that last phase would be death. The Innocence we once shared was broken, and soon our minds were taking grasp of a new reality. And now that reality has come full circle. And here we are. The end.

Will any of us ever be Normal Again after May 20? Will any of us be the same after Buffy finds refuge with other Dead Things in the Grave that is network extinction? It’s doubtful. But never give up hope. The only thing we have to fear, after all, is Fear, Itself.

Joss proved himself to be the ultimate Storyteller, beginning by taking us all on a simple adventure through The Harvest with Luke (the funky vampire who The Master drew a Triangle on that time), where we learned not only that vampires were scary and vindictive...but they could also be silly. This mostly came out of personal experience with our main characters, all of which have had Conversations with Dead People at this point. These small points of dialogue grew to amazing scripts which were shipped off to be produced and made into full-motion epics.

Joss Whedon proved himself time and time again. If not for Him and his writers, each of whom gave their all with Selfless motivation to Help Get It Done and out the door for production, none of us would have been exposed to this fascinating discovery. I imagine you could split the negotiations he must have made with networks in half, and separate them into Bargaining Part One, getting a show made, and Bargaining Part Two, having it developed into the masterpiece that it is.

Truth is, there were such limited Choices when it came to watching television during the time that this show first aired, but by the time Buffy hit her second season most of us were not only addicted through being Helpless with a lack of other options, but also through the countless amount of Surprise the show offered to us. That’s right. And you know this applies to you all as well. Much like I, As You Were watching one night you became a fan by choice. For nothing was ever predictable with this show, from it’s early start to it’s humble end.

When the show began, we met a cast of characters who shared a tight bond. At first we found ourselves asking “Who Are You?” to these handsome strangers. But then, as the show progressed, we discovered their names as Buffy Anne Summers, Xander LaVelle “The Zeppo” Harris, Rupert “Ripper” Giles, Cordelia Chase, and The Witch, Willow Rosenberg. The Pack known as the Scoobies gave to us a world outside our own, where we could easily sneak away to hide ourselves into the ever-amazing adventures of the Prophecy Girl and her pals. Yes, that’s right. The I in Team did not exist with our heroes. They were a Family, a tight-knit group.

And then, of course, there would come others into our cast. There were some we would love, such as Oz, who was a band member who would sneak off Into The Woods three nights a month wearing The Body of a werewolf. And then there were some we didn’t quite care for as much, such as Riley, the Iowa born Initiative agent. It wasn’t necessarily that Riley was a bad person or anything. It’s just....Well, let’s just say we understood why his hometown was so happy to hear him utter the immortal words of “Goodbye Iowa.”

We learned from this show that vampires could be good, whether through a cursed soul as was in the case of Angel, or by way of a small chip device implanted into a hostile’s head, by way of The Initiative. Really, there’s nothing more effective into ruining a Dead Man’s Party than giving him a behavior modification implant as a gag gift. But either way, we learned that vampires, just as much as humans, could understand the concept of Tough Love...and even they could fall victim to becoming a Fool for Love on occasion.

Joss created a show that captivated raw human emotion, taking us into comedy, drama, horror, action/adventure, and every other known television genre out there to exist. He took us Where the Wild Things Are, helping us to see that we were already Wild At Heart before experiencing the adventures first-hand. He unleashed those emotions which already existed within us all. And by the end, he made us better people for it. He introduced us to both Dirty Girls and Bad Girls, but never to anything that was beyond our comprehension. This Year’s Girl, as well as every year’s girl since 1996, proved to be Buffy Summers. Why? Because of Joss Whedon. Because of the love he put into his creation. But unfortunately, that reign has now come to it’s mortal end.

After decades of dealing with the Pangs of amateur television viewing, Joss gave to us The Gift of seven years of pure entertainment. And though this program is now no longer within Earshot of our virgin ears, there will always be syndications and reruns to enjoy...not to mention amazing DVD sets. But even so, it will be hard not to notice the Empty Places on our television guides where once Buffy the Vampire Slayer took great reign.

It’s true that sometimes I wish The Wish that so many of us have wished. “Lie To Me, Joss,” I would sometimes cry after hearing the final verdict of our show coming to it’s death. The Crush of that news shattering my weak and defenseless ears. “Tell us all that it isn’t so. Never Leave Me!” But those lies would never come. They would never be quite as abundant as the Lies My Parents Told Me, one of which was that one person could make a difference in the world. But can any of us stop this train from Becoming (Part One) Wrecked? Or Becoming (Part Two) Smashed? A Shadow locked away into The Dark Age of television viewing...that immortal After Life where all great shows are Doomed to go after retiring from on air? All The Way into oblivion? Can we stop that? No. Can we try? Desperately. And try we did...but to no avail. For despite any of our efforts of Intervention, on May 21, 2003, the show will still be Gone. It will still be Killed by Death...death in this case being a non-renewed contract.

Those of us captivated by the program grew to have an outstanding Passion for watching this show. In fact, everytime Showtime rolled around, we found ourselves engrossed into the fictional world where everyday worries and troubles seemed to go Out of Sight, Out of Mind, and out the door. While being Flooded with the Weight of the World for every other day of the week, Tuesday nights relieved those Nightmares of life and helped ease our moods into calm and Restless little creatures.

Looking back, I suppose there were many Lessons of Life Serial we each could have taken from this program. Number one, which is first and foremost, you should never attend The Prom or Homecoming without at least packing a few stakes to tag along. Number two, Halloween is the safest time of the year, so go out and have fun...just don’t buy costumes from mysterious British people. Or if you do, just make sure you get a cool costume like Elvira. Number three, Never Kill A Boy On A First Date. This apparently even applies to dating vampires and other such demons. Number four, never tell William the Bloody that he’s Beneath You...he just might cry.

And finally, never forget these untimely and immortal words....

Fire bad, tree pretty.
Beer Bad, milk good (unless you’re an Asian Potential).
And School Hard, Bronze fun.
Remember those, and Buffy shall live on Forever.
So, we’ve grown Older and Far Away from the early start of our program. But just because the series is ending, we should never forget of the many memorable moments in this show’s history. For instance, we’ll never forget Buffy’s many Enemies she’s had to square off against in the past. These Bad Eggs included The Master, Spike, Drusilla, Angelus, Wilkins, Adam, Glory, Willow, the Inca Mummy Girl, Caleb, The First, Ted, Faith, Hope, and Trick and a list full of others. They will always be in our hearts as memorable adversaries. Or who could forget about Buffy vs Dracula? If that wasn’t a match made in heaven I certainly don’t know what is.

Watching these fights against Primeval brought new meaning to the act of being No Place Like Home for new Buffy Tuesday, a soda and evening snack in hand for another thrilling adventure. Or perhaps you’re more of a Gingerbread craver. But regardless of snack choice, we all knew that before The Harsh Light of Day could sweep in through our windows and steal the thunder that was a glorious night of scooby watching, we would each find ourselves truly Touched by the amazing talent on screen for an entire hour’s worth of television. For even after the night’s episode would end, we would still find ourselves in peaceful moods, the Sleeper of a thousand wonderful dreams to come.

But aside from the Villains of the show, we will also have other great memories to reflect upon decades from now. For instance, when Buffy became The Freshman at UC Sunnydale, or when she first took up that job at the Doublemeat Palace. Or maybe we’ll remember more of when the Scoobies organized against the Mayor during high-school Graduation (Part One). There has never been a Graduation (Part Two) in television history quite like it ever since, and I think you’ll all agree (aside from all you 90210 fanfic writers out there).

Shows like Firefly perhaps always regarded Buffy as a sort of Teacher’s Pet to Joss. But even so, when Firefly was canceled Joss was probably feeling Something Blue beyond measure for his lost treasure. And while many of the cast from Firefly would have to Go Fish for new parts after the big budget sci-fi show was canned, Nathan Fillion and Gina Torres would not have their Living Conditions impaired at all. Both would be welcomed into our Buffyverse with open arms and gratitude.

Why? That’s just the type of show Buffy is. Through thick and thin, this show has proved to be the best of the best. Through good times and bad times, we’ve all been there. We stayed with Buffy When She Was Bad with episodes like “Reptile Boy” and we’ve also been there for when she was good with episodes such as “Band Candy.” All the while, we never would leave her side, sticking to our guns and knowing that it would all be for the greater good to watch each and every last episode.

And if I could take Buffy in my arms right now, I would tell her exactly how I feel. I would say to her, “I Was Made To Love You, Buffy, for I Only Have Eyes For You.” Okay, maybe I wouldn’t say that, but I couldn’t think of a better way to group those two episodes in. Really, all I’d have to say to her is, “I Robot, You Jane.” Oh, right. Judge me. But you go and try to fit that bloody title somewhere else into this article and see how well you do.

Anyway, we came to the point of episodes when there were only Two To Go, and now we’re down to one. Tomorrow is the last day of Buffy ever. And though the world surrounding Buffy still has a few good years left in it, we will truly miss this founding member to a select world known simply and methodically as the Buffyverse. The Killer in Me feels as though it is waiting for a Spiral of events to unfold, waiting for a moment to strike and bring back our wonderful series Once More, With Feeling. Even if it is something as hoaky as “Buffy The Puppet Show.” Maybe one day, long from now, we will indeed come to Amends with this final decision which has terminated the perfect television series. But until that day, we shall continue to spout ridiculous poetic imagery like Drusilla.

It’s true that when Tuesdays roll around from this day forward, we may no longer find ourselves shouting for Joss to Bring On the Night. But we will all still be here, regardless...still watching the New Moon Rising even it it isn’t accompanied by a familiar cast of friends. Same Time, Same Place...only different programs...different stories...and a different world. A world without Buffy. Thank you all for living with me there. Enjoy the finale.