- Green Beans are Better than Ships
by Vibes -7.16.04

  They liked me!! They really really liked me!! I have always wanted to say that. Well, with the exception of Tiffany. Am I the only one who just finds her so damn cute? Do you think she will go on a date with me? I like, think she is, like, super cute and stuff. Makes me all silly when I think about her RAAARRRR. BUT. Getting away from my Tiffany obsession for a moment. I truly would like to thank all those who left feedback; I really do appreciate anything, good or bad, that you may have to say. So once again thank you from Caleb (that was just for you Tiffy baby, smooches!!).

So I haven't been around lately, and I know all of you have been waiting on pins and needles for my next article. I wish I had some good excuse like I was working or my fish died but, I don’t. I have been at the beach. But, I am here now so dry your sweet beautiful eyes.

Today my lovelies we are going to discuss the rather tattered and old topic of Ships and Shippers. Hold your bitching please. Yes, I know it is an old topic that has been beat like a dead horse but, I would like to kick the shit out of the horse just one more time for good measure. If you liked me before I can guarantee some of you wont have such kind words for me after this article. Yet, I will always love you, I'm just that kind of guy.

Moving along, I have formed the opinion that Ship Wars are perhaps the most ridiculous form of message board fandom I have ever seen. Yet, I have to read them. I compare it to watching a car accident. You know what you are going to see but, yet, like a dumbass you watch, or read in this case, anyway. They are damn entertaining I’m man enough to admit that.

But, here’s the real question. Am I the only one who reads these threads and is reminded of a late night animal documentary? You know the type, where they show the animals going after each other trying to rip each other throats out.  The Spangels on one side and the Spuffys on the other, natural born Buffy world enemies tearing after each other for board dominance.

In a controlled environment like the HMC we can watch these two packs interact with each other. The smaller numbered Spangels roaming the great wide threads of the message board cunningly spreading the word of Angel and Buffy. While the larger Spuffy pack bluntly shouts their love for Spike and Buffy from whatever thread rooftop they can find. Usually these shipper packs stay in their own corners of the message board world but when they clash, you can smell the cyber blood from threads away. Regular posters hiding behind the trees of lurkdom just to watch the carnage. While Mods, aka the zookeepers, wake up ready to put everyone back in their cages if the battle gets too out of hand (FYI I have been told tranquilizers work as well).

The battle for shipper dominance starts off slow, both sides going into this war of the words knowing no views will be changed but, can't help but to start sharpening their nails and gathering their thoughts ready to deal whatever deadly blow they can come up with to the other side. It all begins with a one on one encounter, Spuffy VS. Spangel debating, striking, dodging each other’s comments. Meanwhile, both respective packs regroup ready to contribute to their kin in whatever way they can. The Spuffys circling around the lonely Spangel darting comments at every which direction until the rest of the Spangels catch wind of the attack. But, usually by then intellectual blood of the brave lonely little Spangel already covers the dusty thread floor and the only thing left for the late arriving pack to do is save face and seek retribution for their beaten little trooper. With Spangel numbers mounting towards the fight the terrifying Spuffys never back down and just seem to triple and number. Now, boys and girls, this is when the true shipper war begins. It will get nasty, it will get personal, and no views will ever change. The only thing that ever comes of these Shipper battles is the weaker of both groups falling and the stronger gnashing their teeth in revenge. That, and me being completely entertained behind the safety of my lurking tree.

Hence, the reason why, my personal belief is; Green beans are better then Ships. They are green, tasty, and don’t give those around you gas. Take that with you, it will serve you well in life.

PEACE..I’m outta here!!!