- The Pilot: "The One with Orlando vs. Brad"
by Aeryn & Tiffany -6.17.04

  “HMC asked me to give an introduction for this article series as to why I asked Tiffany and Aeryn to co-write a new series together. Well, to answer the question of ‘why put Tiffany and Aeryn in the same article’ I must first ask, ‘Why ask why?’ I say why not. Hell, if I can get them to do this, there’s no telling what I can get them to do later....Oh shit, are you actually recording this?”*

- Jonathan Riggins,
HMC’s Consigliere

* This message has been paid for by private donations made toward our website. It is made possible by readers like you.

Tiffany: Hello everyone! I'm Tiffany Murdock! Ok so like where do you wanna start cause I am all over the place today. I am so on a high from this weekend. I like partied ALL weekend long at Brianna's summer house. It was amazing! I even borrowed her sandals and then like totally forgot about it so after the party I’m like “oh my god” about it and everything. But I think she completely forgot cause she was so far gone it wasn’t funny. And they are so cute on me anyways. There pink and have this really sexy lizard style slide to them. Anyways I think there probably like two hundred dollars at least. They fit me perfect!

Aeryn: I'm Aeryn and I am an alcoholic, oh wait, wrong crowd. Can someone get me a drink or better yet, some pot?

Tiffany: Umm.. whatever. Ok so like where do you stand on this whole Orlando Bloom issue? I mean seriously cause he is so cute in his new movie about the fall of the aztecs. Cause isn’t that like so sweet of him to do a movie about history? I feel like he so shows character by doing that.

Aeryn: Troy is set in Greece. Aztecs are not, they are across the ocean. Troy is about the Trojan War...You know when the Romans came in with the Trojan Horse because they were fighting over Helen of Troy or something. I like Orlando, but I prefer Brad Pitt, now that is a man that is full of character. Orlando should thank his lucky stars that he got to act with Brad and bask in the glow of Brad Pitt.

Tiffany: Pfft! Please. Bradd Pitt is so taken you hippy. That is like a mortal sin for any Friends fan to even dream of taking Rachel’s husband for herself. God you can be so full of yourself. And Orlando can totally carry a movie on his own anyways so your point totally doesn’t make sense. Just look at the movie he did with Johnny Depp. Depp was creepy but in a good way. Anyways you know way too much about Orlandos new movie. I haven’t even seen it yet so like stop ruining it for me please.

Aeryn: Did I say that I wanted to take Brad Pitt? No, I did not, I said that I prefer him and he is full of character. One of his strong character points is his relationship with Rachel, I mean Jennifer. They have a loving and happy marriage that is second to Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. I think if you stopped trying to impersonate Leia in your hairstyle, then you might hear something. Orlando hasn't carried one movie yet, except maybe that movie he is doing with Heath Ledger, Ned Kelly, haven't seen that so I can't say. Johnny made Pirates, I like Orlando, but Johnny stole that show. Legalos hardly spoke, and when he did it was to flirt with Aragorn. At least the elf had good taste, which by the way, he didn't carry that movie either. See, you prove my point. You rather chatter on and on about things that you don't know about or haven't seen, where I chatter on about things I know about. By the way, weren't we supposed to be talking about Wesley? I only agreed to do this because Jonathan said it was about Wesley.

Tiffany: How could you trade Orlando for Wesley? Ok you write way to much about nothing and that paragraph like totally proves your point was so wrong. You are like such a hypocrite and now the entire world can so see it cause you cant even edit it out since we are writing together. Anyways I am not going to waste my breath on you and rather stick to the topic as REAL journalists do. Ok so are you sure Orlandos movie isn’t about the aztecs cause I heard somewhere it was like based in mexico or some foreign place like that. I remember all about the Aztecs cause my friend who is also a native american told me all about them this one time. Apparently she isn’t Aztec anymore cause she said she was cherokee or something like that. Anyways I think her family was in the tribe from the Kevin Costner movie. Isn’t that like so exciting? It took me like five sittings to see his entire movie but I so did cause people said it was like a classic and I am all about seeing classic movies cause I feel like it totally makes you a better person. Anyways I don’t think that’s true cause his movie wasn’t even that good. It was so slow and boring I wanted to die by the end. Anyways Orlando is going to so beat Costner at the box office.. aztec or not. And I asked you to pick a topic but you so blew me off so stop complaining when I pick one better than yours. I am so all about helping my fellow writers find there real potential in there journalism pursuit or whatever which is why I feel like doing this does that. Isn’t that like so mature of myself? I feel like we’re really accomplishing something here. Troy is a must see!

Aeryn: Oh my god! Will you please go see a doctor? Tiffany you so need ritalin or something to calm you down or at least make you stick to a subject! You ran through a tangential statement that included about 10 topics. This is why I no longer read your stuff, because I can't keep up with the speed and the no direction of your mind. It is like giving a two year old pure sugar. Aztecs were in Central America. Cherokee were in the Smokey Mountains. Kevin Costner was in like the Dakotas. Aztecs are not native americans by definition. Dances with Wolves was pretty good, by the way, but this is so not the point. I would trade Orlando for Wesley any day. And yet, we are back to the hypocrite point. You are such a hypocrite! I picked Wesley as a topic! Yes, go see Troy for the naked chest that is Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt, also staring Angelina Jolie. I admire that lady so much by the way. Also another interesting tidbit is that Brad Pitt is currently filming Oceans 12 with George Clooney and Julia Roberts, who I also admire.

Tiffany: Wow. You are like really cruel. Anyways Angelina Jolie is so manly she would never be a lady. Oh my God I can never tell if she is really a man in drag or just on hormone overdoses. Her movie Tombraider was really stupid and didn’t even make sense. And her accent? Oh my God so horrible. She so needs to change her image or just really lay off the gym every once in a while. Working out is one thing but going Vin Diesel with it is so something else. She seriously needs help. Anyways I am so watching FOX’s new summer line-up. Have you been following it? It is like FOX on a totally cool new path. I so love FOX cause they always have something very interesting on. I was seriously freaking out about it last night.

Aeryn: Fox? What is Fox? OHHHHHH Wait, they are the ones that canceled Wonderfalls.... yea, not interested. I will be watching Friends Season 4 DVDs this summer.

Tiffany: Pfft.. please! You are so still not upset FOX canceled your stupid show. Seriously Aeryn you so need help. Oh my God but season four Friends was so amazingly fun! Ross’s wedding when he called his fiance RACHEL? To die for! And like one of the funniest episodes of the whole series was when the guys went against the girls in that game Ross designed. I mean I am all over laughing just to remember it! I have to still have that on tape somewhere. Oh I am like so watching that once we finish here.

Aeryn: How could you not like Wonderfalls? Wait, I forgot, you are you. That is why. A yarn of twine would keep you entertained. Wonderfalls was a funny show, that only got better with time. I was able to see two unaired episodes and they were really sweet and funny, but alas, I was the only one here who thought the show was quality. Yes, the Rachel moment was very funny and the girls losing their apartment to the guys because they did not know what Chandler did for a living. You have it on tape?!? You don't have the DVD?

Tiffany: Oh my God like what is your negativity problem? You are always lashing out on me. Do you like always throw such nasty verbal abuse? Anyways I didn’t like Wonderfalls cause it had no quality. And it so isn’t just me who feels that way. Just look at the ratings and its like “HELLO!” And the lead character? So icky. And yes I do have the dvd for your information. If you put down your pot for like half a second to do something other than assume and insult maybe you would know something. Anyways I so prefer to watch it on tape cause it still has the commercials on it. And that makes me feel more like I’m watching the show. Its like a spiritual experience. You wouldn’t understand cause your so doped up but I am so into that stuff.

Aeryn: Oh I see, you are an "educated" consumer. I have half the mind to sue you for saying I have a pot problem. Where did you come up with that idea anyways? Do I look like a hippy to you?

Tiffany: Umm.. did you not begin this article by asking where your pot was? Are you like even paying attention to yourself? Are you sober enough to know what your saying right now? Anyways its so obvious in your writing you have like a serious problem with overdosing on something. Reflective hippy rambling without a single point is so not what I call journalism. Ok anyways not the point! Could we please stick to my topic? I was in a good mood before you bashed me for no reason.

Aeryn: I was like asking why you thought that before now. I figured I throw that in because you always say that. I never pay attention to myself, what is the point? Can we please get to a topic? I know.. let's discuss Wesley. What did you think about Wesley's death in Not Fade Away?

Tiffany: God you are so annoying! We had a topic! Hello!! Orlando is really hot and Angelina.. totally needs estrogen. I want to discuss the latest movies cause talking about Wesley dying is like so two weeks ago. It was sad but I got over it.. unlike someone else who doesn’t need naming. Anyways we talked about Troy so lets see what else is playing. I so went to see MeanGirls the other day. Oh my God what a funny movie! It was like written by the girl who does the updates for SNL. And Elf with that funny guy from Saturday Night Live who does all the cheerleading skits? So cute! I so recommend it.

Aeryn: Tiffany! We are columnist for a JossVerse web site, and yet, you don't want to talk about a character from that Verse but about Mean Girls and trashing Angelina. It was 28 days ago for your information. Yes, I am not over it! Wesley was incredibly sad and he was set up by Angel. His death is all Angel's fault. Angel sent him up against this guy that could change the fabric of time and he so knew Wesley wouldn't live. Which by the way brings me to another point. Wesley's journey went full circle. He started out as a watcher to a slayer and ended it as a watcher once again, but this time to Illyria.

Tiffany: Blah blah blah.. ok you are boring. We so get it so like why do you keep talking? Or should I even bother? We should so be discussing Stepford Wives anyways! Its like such a major controversy going on in hollywood right now. I mean can you really streamline a spouse or is that just completely hollywood propaganda? Anyways it so reminds me of when Spice World first came out and everyone suddenly wanted to talk with accents and say phrases like “girl power!!” like they even knew what they were saying. Pfft! Losers. I used to have a friend Stacey who was so a victim of that time. I loved her beyond measure but really! Do you even know what Stepford Wives is or do you like live in some hole somewhere?

Aeryn: Of course I know what a Stepford Wives are. This movie has Nicole Kidman and Bette Midler in it. Women can no longer be forced into complying into chauvinistic stereotypes. This is no longer the fifties. Women do not have to stay at home, while vacuuming in their dress and pearls, waiting for their husbands to return home where they will serve him dinner and brandy. This movie is a statement of women everywhere stating that they will not be forced into any mold. It reminds me a lot of Mona Lisa's Smile.

Tiffany: Umm.. ok. Anyways Christopher Walken is so creepy isn’t he? I so saw him on Regis and Kelly just recently and he was like so funny talking about ping pong! Oh my God I almost died! I so have to see this movie! He is like really old now though and that so only adds to creepiness.

Aeryn: Why does it not surprise me that you watch Regis and Kelly? *Rolls eyes* Christopher Walken was good in Wayne's World 2 and Nick of Time... Hey, that movie starred Johnny Depp!

Tiffany: Nick of time and waynes world? Ok like what is nick of time? Wait don’t answer cause I so don’t care. You like waynes world which is so enough much to know the other must be really stupid. Ok so I am reading RECENT MOVIES so stop with your glory days of film without plots. Anyways Harry Potter is so on top of the box office right now with Vin Diesel and Shrek coming in after it. Other movies playing are Raising Helen and Garfield and the Days after Tomorrow. Garfield so looks like another stupid remake and Days of tomorrow Ok I don’t even know what it is. Raising Helen I saw a preview for and am so there. And a really stupid movie “Saved!” comes out and has that boy from home alone poking fun of catholicism. Pfft! Whatever. Like why is everyone so negative toward religion anyways? Get a clue.

Aeryn: Oh good GOD! I am not even getting paid for this! Harry Potter is good from what I heard, I will see it. I love the romance sparks between Heromine and Ron. Also, I saw Shrek 2. I liked it, Antonio Banderes totally stole the show as Puss in Boots. Also, I enjoyed Rupert Everett's sexy voice as Prince Charming. It had adult humor in it, but children laughed at it anyways. I read an article on Saved. I would see it for Mandy Moore. She was good in A Walk to Remember as well as Chasing Liberty. Chasing Liberty is an excellent movie with a little known actor named Matthew Goode as the guy who gets the girl. Rentable just for him. If you want to watch a positive pro-religion movie, all you have to do is watch Dogma. Now that is a good movie.

Tiffany: Ok I will so agree on shrek and I am all about watching harry potter. And oh my god we like so agree. I feel like we are really connecting. But your other movies I don’t even heard of. Ok so like all the time we have is gone or whatever. To recap everyone should go see Troy and Stepford Wives Mean girls and shrek. I am so out of here and watching Friends. Buh bye everyone!

Aeryn: Geezus, I feel like I been through a tornado. Yes, we finally agreed on something. Big yay for us. To recap, go rent Chasing Liberty, Dogma and In the Nick of Time. Go see Troy, Harry Potter and Shrek. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go re-watch "Not Fade Away." Bye for now.