- Things That Are Nice
by Tony
I'm writing this article with one hand. No, not because of that you pervs,
because my hand is injured. If it was because of that, I wouldn't have any hands
left to type at all. Anyway, just so you know how much effort I'm putting in for
you people and for this crappy-ass article that no one wants to read. So, a
little appreciation, people!Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to the topic of the article, which is...uh...music and stuff. I think. This time around I'll be poisoning your impressionable minds with my words on Things That Are Nice. Things That Are Nice is a prototype for a series of articles I'm thinking of trying out called Things That Are Good. The title is pretty self explanitory. I didn't want to start out with such a big whopper like Things That Are Good, so I toned it down a bit to Things That Are only Nice, meaning things I like pretty much, but let's not get nuts here. I will keep my talk to newer things. I find people have too much baggage for older bands, this way I can diss and\or praise whoever I want (I feel like going wild and doing them both for the same bands), and no one gives a flying fuck.
Does a flying fuck need a fly permit? What, you think about these things sometimes!
I will also keep my distance from obscure names and focus more on music more or less everyone knows, so you all can enjoy it equally. Look at me all mission statement-y. Kinda makes me sick.
Anyway...The first band I'm going to talk about is Razorlight. Now, judging solely on Golden Touch, they deserve to be in Things That Are Good. Man, I'm addicted to that song like a rock star to Heroin, or Michael Jackson to mollesting little kids, or Patrick Duffy to a good kick in the balls once every two weeks. But alas, one song isn't enough, and the rest of their stuff is OK. Not J-Lo and not Zeppelin. Somewhere in the middle, in that section of ranking more dreaded than a Spandau Ballet comeback, it's nice. My advice is download Golden Touch (and maybe Rip It Up), or buy the single if you're feeling especially frivilous that morning, and live with the illusion that they're amazing, cause let's face it, being nice is a downer. If you're not nut-grabbing great (also known in some cultures as ball-stretching excellent), at least have the decency to suck.
Another band that falls into the category is The Gorillaz. Now, this band has a clear head start over everyone else. No, I'm not talking about Damon Albarn from Blur as the frontman, and not even about the trendy animation. I'm talking about the Z at the end of their name. I love that. It reminds me of Niggaz With Attitude (the immortal NWA). Now, despite this spelling success, The Gorillaz have managed to be a pretty mediocre band. I mean, who didn't love Clint Eastwood for the first month? And who didn't love the new Feel Good Inc. for the first month? And who didn't love 19-2000...but only in FIFA? The problem is that although their songs seem good at first, every single one of them gets on your nerves pretty quickly when they're not a hyper version in a soccer computer game, and even then their shelf life isn't outstanding. There's also the "Pick A Damn Genre" factor to look at here. Personally, I think the rap is slowing them down. Not necessarily cause it's bad rap, but because it fits as well as Hitler in the Ice Capades. For those of you who didn't get that analogy, I was going for 'doesn't fit' there. Still, The Gorillaz don't suck, but they're...what's that word, people? That's right, nice. Yeah, so is Nelson Mandela, you don't see him controlling the airwaves.
So there it is, the prototype to my Things That Are Good vision, taken down a notch. It's a new thing I'm trying, except it's identical in every way to what I've done before. I wrote it mainly to give you a taste of what you may be forcefed in the near future. Leave your comments here and give your vote whether you want me to continue in this direction, or want to crush my dreams into dust like the sadistic dogs that you are. But remember! Your vote counts for shit! I'll probably do it anyway cause I'm so running out of ideas it's not even funny. Kinda like these articles.
Tony ou--oh, wait, I forgot, just on a side note, I did eventually get the new White Stripes album. It's nice.
NOW Tony out.
